elderly golfer blithers about a giant faucet in Canada

it’s so easy to solve the world’s problems when you have no fucking clue what you’re talking about

campaign season in America is off-the-charts insane right now. this is just how crazy the news has been: the debate was just last week — but it already feels like it happened years ago.

here’s just a brief slice of what’s been going on since then.

Donny held a hate-rally where he repeated the racist lie that Haitians were EATING THE DAWGS. Donny fist-bumped and clapped his hands at a 9/11 memorial. Proud Boys and neo-Nazis roamed through Springfield, Ohio as migrants huddled in their homes. Donny publicly proclaimed his hatred for Taylor Swift, which is a super-mature thing for a 78-year-old man to do. Couchfuck McGee accidentally confessed to making up all the lies he told about Haitian migrants. Donny’s new girlfriend Laura Loopy put out a video in which she swears she isn’t sucking Donny’s dick. too much information, weirdo!

then, as if all that weren’t enough, the Secret Service caught some numb-nuts with an assault weapon prowling around one of Donny’s golf hovels, and every Republican lost their fucking minds. the Space Nazi quote-unquote “joked” about why isn’t anyone assassinating Kamala Harris already. Terminally Concussed Tommy Tuberville called for a Seal Team to cradle Dear Leader in their loving and protective arms. the entire wingnut outrage-industrial complex fell all over their fainting couches and hypocritically lectured the Democrats about dangerous rhetoric in politics.

but though all that noise and chaos, one fact remained rock-solid and immutable: Donny Convict is a low-wattage imbecile who doesn’t know shit about shit.

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last week, Donny held a press conference at one of his California golf motels — mainly so he could lie about Democrats and brag about his own amazing imaginary accomplishments.

the crowning moment of batshit was Donny’s answer to a question about water management in California. strap in, folks, and get ready for the verbal roller coaster ride of your life.

“and the reason you have no water, you have the canals, the reason you have no water is because Gavin ‘Newscomb’ didn’t want to do it. I had it all done. I had the Department of Commerce at the time, believe it or not, they’re the ones that rule on this particular issue. so you have millions of gallons of water pouring down from the north, with the snow caps in Canada, and it all pouring down. and they have essentially a very large faucet. and you turn the faucet, and it takes a day to turn it. it takes one day to turn it, it’s massive. it’s as big as the wall of that building right there behind you. and you turn that, and all of the water goes into the— aimlessly into the Pacific. and if they turned it back, all of that water would come right down here and right into Los Angeles. they wouldn’t have to have people not use more than 30 gallons and 32 gallons. they want to do that, you know. they’re trying to do that. and you have so much water. and all those fields that are right now barren, the farmers would have all the water they needed. and you could revert water up into the hills, where you have all the dead forests, where the forests are so brittle.”

it’s so easy to solve the world’s problems when you have no fucking clue what you’re talking about.

there’s no doubt that years ago, some hapless administrator at the Commerce Department was explaining to Donny all about California’s complex system of rivers, aqueducts and reservoirs — and at some point along the way, described water management as “think of it as a big faucet.” but whoever that was forgot about the part where Donny is a fucking idiot who has no idea what metaphors are.

so in Donny’s mind, there’s a literal faucet in — I don’t know, Canada maybe — and it’s huge, and it takes an entire day to turn. and of course, Donny knows more about water management than all the water managers, so he’s got the solution to no one else is smart enough to come up with: just turn that big fucker in the other direction — and then sit back as all the big, strong water managers, their massive arms (because you need big muscles to turn that goddamn enormous faucet) tanned and glistening in the golden California sunshine, come up to Donny with tears of gratitude in their eyes, saying sir! sir! ‘just turn it in the other direction.’ we turned the shit out of it, sir, and now California has all the water it needs! sir, how do you do it?

seriously, if someone in your own family started blithering about a “big faucet in Canada,” you’d be all come on, grandpa, we’re going for a ride and you’d bundle the old duffer off to a good memory-care facility, post haste.

so you can add “turn the big-ass faucet” to “rake the forest,” “water-bomb the cathedral,” “nuke the hurricane” and all the other crazypants fever-swamp notions that sluice about in the rancid gray goo inside Donny’s thick skull.

and now, there are millions of gullible MAGA cultists out there who believe there’s a big fucking Canadian mega-faucet, and it’s chained shut and there’s a sign taped to it that says “fuck off, no water for you” and it’s signed, “love and kisses, Gavin Newsom.”

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yesterday, Donny held a hate-rally disguised as a “town hall” in Michigan — and for some weird-ass reason, Sarah Huckabee Sanders was the moderator.

why Sarah, of all people? what’s her connection to Michigan?

is there like a giant Wheel of Rando at Donny’s campaign headquarters, and they spun it and it landed on Smokey Eyes Sarah? because that’s the only explanation that makes sense.

Schmuckabee wasn’t just the moderator. she also played rodeo clown to warm up the audience. check out this cheap shot at Kamala — and by extension, all childless women.

“so my kids keep me humble. unfortunately Kamala Harris doesn’t have anything keeping her humble.”

boo-yah, Kamala. unlike me, you don’t have any kids of your own. ha ha, stew on that, you barren harridan.

fuck all the way off, Smokey Eyes. did your kids keep you humble while you were funneling nineteen thousand dollars to a political crony by buying a lectern worth five hundred bucks from her, which you used once and never again?

is this a winning strategy for Republicans, to mock women who have never given birth?

hey, here’s a fun thing the GOP did yesterday.

that’s right, for the fourth time this year, Senate Republicans were all fuck you, ladies.

so, this is apparently their plan: to outlaw IVF (as detailed in Project 2025), and then to ostracize women who can’t have children the old-fashioned way.

how fucked up is that?

Senator Couchfuck, by the way, skipped out on the vote — he was nowhere to be found — so he wouldn’t have to answer any uncomfortable questions about why he voted against it. big profile in courage from the sofa molester.

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back to Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants and his so-called “town hall.” there’s no way to paper over the fact that the guy is just fucking losing it.

climate change, how does it work?

“nuclear power. and when I hear these people talking about global warming, that’s the global warming you have to worry about, not that the ocean’s gonna rise in 400 years, and eighth of an inch, and you’ll have more seafront property, right, if that happens.”

did you know that Afghanistan’s Bagram Airbase has been magically moved to Alaska?

“we’re energy independent. we’re soon going to be energy dominant. we could have been now having so much money coming out of the energy w— we just have the best. we have Bagram in Alaska. they say it might be as big, might be bigger, than all of Saudi Arabia.”

now check out Donny’s answer to some fawning stooge who asked a question that Team Trump obviously wrote for him: “what’s the biggest threat to manufacturing in Michigan?”

“to me we really have one major threat: nuclear weapons.”

oh-kay, grandpa, whatever you say. hey, get your coat, we’re going for a ride.

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so, if you’re one of the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled media, how do you sanewash that grab-bag of lunacy?

well, if you’re CBS News, you don’t even try. you just talk about how amazing Brave Sir Donny is for coming out of his hidey hole.

Flint, Michigan – Former President Donald Trump returned to the campaign trail Tuesday evening in his first public appearance since the second assassination attempt on his life.

“It’s a dangerous business, however, being president,” Trump said while sitting alongside Arkansas Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders, his former White House press secretary, at the Dort Financial Center in Flint, Michigan. “It’s a little bit dangerous. It's, you know, they think race car driving is dangerous? No. They think bull riding, that's pretty scary, right? No. This is a dangerous business, and we have to keep it safe.” 

sir! sir! how do you do it? no one else has ever shown their face in public after someone got caught prowling on the 15th green. sir!

it’s 47 days to the election. buckle up, because it’s going to get weirder before it gets sane.