holy fuck, Republican dipshittery is out of control
lecterns and backpacks and campaign funds, oh my
welcome to Day One of the Trump Gag Order Violation Watch.
and, quite possibly, Day One of Holy Shit, the Rape-Enabling Insurrectionist Is Actually Speaker of the House.
ugh.
while we’ve been focused on these two unpleasant stories, there’s been a fuck-ton of Republican batshittery going on in the margins. let’s have a look.
the wonderful world of lecterngate
every now and then, I remember that noted cosmetics influencer Sarah Huckabee Sanders is actually the governor of Arkansas, and my brain starts to hurt. how the fuck did this happen? how did a mediocre press secretary with a penchant for lying and practically nothing else on her resume get herself elected governor of an entire state — and then the veins in my head start to throb and I have to go lie down in a dark room.
Shuckabee’s governorship so far has been boilerplate Republifascist rule — book bans, transgender fearmongering, getting rid of those pesky child labor laws — but it wouldn’t be a truly Republican administration if there weren’t also a shitload of clumsy corruption going as well.
welcome to lecterngate. it goes like this:
Sarah, using state funds, spent $19,000 on a lectern. that’s a lot of money, so you might be asking yourself: what’s so special about this lectern? is it magical? does it shit rainbows?
no, it doesn’t do anything. it’s just a lectern. it just stands there being very lectern-like. here it is:
and here’s a sample of bullshit Sarah vomits out when questioned about her excellent purchase.
When asked about the price of the Falcon-style lectern, with its hourglass-like shape and large reading desk, Sanders said it came equipped with “a number of features,” though she didn’t give specifics.
“I’m happy to connect you with the vendor that builds and puts these together, but it’s not really my area of specialty,” she told reporters at a news conference last month. “I’m focused on things I’m good at. Building podiums is probably not one of them.”
let’s look at some of those “features” Sarah’s been touting.
feature number one: the lectern’s seller is Virginia Beckett, a close friend of Shuckerbee.
feature number two: the actual value of the lectern is closer ... well, Amazon sells one that looks a lot like it for $771.
feature number three: after the sale, Virginia Beckett partied with Sarah in Paris.
good fucking lord, they don’t even try to hide it these days, do they.
another fun policy idea from Area Psychopath Ron DeSantis
hey, remember when Ron DeSantis was a candidate for president? technically he still is, but these days he’s been polling lower than scrotum cancer.
Ron has been forced to find ever-more-incendiary ways to call attention to himself. this past Sunday he showed up on Face the Nation with a brilliant new policy idea: shoot every migrant wearing a backpack. because fentanyl, you understand.
host Margaret Brennan was aghast, and pressed Ron for details.
“can you explain how that would work? would a soldier have to ask his commanding officer for permission before he shoots anyone wearing a backpack or is this just a blanket ‘shoot anyone with a backpack’?”
Ron tried to deflect, babbling some nonsense about cartels and fentanyl and how we need to get tough. Margaret refused to be derailed. again she asked,
“how would you differentiate who’s a threat? how would you shoot people wearing backpacks?”
Ron tries to filibuster again, and gets cut off.
“but how do you know what’s in the backpack?”
Ron: “you have to make those judgements.”
great plan, Ronny. yeah, let’s make the extra-judicial murder of migrants the judgement call of some hapless soldier.
it’s hard to believe that this guy liked to sit in on Gitmo torture sessions, and laugh.
Lauren Boebert is as corrupt as she is sleazy, because of course she is
the highjinks never end with noted snake charmer Lauren Boebert.
here’s what Diarrhea Slider Barbie has been up to:
Well before Rep. Lauren Boebert and her date got thrown out of a local theater showing of Beetlejuice for being disruptive and frisky, her campaign spent hundreds of dollars at his bar.
The Colorado congresswoman’s campaign put down $317.48 in late July at Hooch Craft Cocktail Bar in Aspen, Co., according to her most recent campaign finance filings. That’s the same bar co-owned by Quinn Gallagher, the man who accompanied Boebert to the theater that fateful September night.
wait, it was only $317.38? come on Lauren, that’s so fucking penny-ante. you can do better than that. I hear there’s a brisk business to be done in the aftermarket lectern sector. I can hook you up.
meanwhile, today is Jim Jordan’s Big Fascist Power Grab and also Trump’s return to his Fuckery Fraud Trial, so I’m sure there were be no shortage of stupid bullshit to write about tomorrow.
thank you to everyone who participated in the Smirking Chimp Fall Fund Drive — we reached our goal! no more appeals for donations for the rest of the year, I promise.
I took the damp washcloth off my eyelids for a minute to read this. It's great. But now I'm going back to bed.
Thank you for using DIPSHITTERY, because that is the only noun one can use in this case. As a verb, might I suggest, "Once again, Republicans are dipshitting Americans." Or adjective, "With Jordan bullying his colleagues for the role of Speaker, everything is going even more dippshitterly than expected." And that lectern, it knows dipshits very well. Only the best dipshits will be dipshitting on and around that poor piece of furniture.