this week in stupid: January 25 edition
Boebert blunders, Watters wonders, and so much more...
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.
monday: the what now?
banning TikTok was bad enough, but now these puritanical fucksnoots have gone way too far.
tuesday: instant karma’s gonna get you
let’s say you’re one of the insurrectionist thugs who got pardoned by Donny Convict on Monday. so, what do you do for an encore?
if you’re Daniel Ball, you get your violent ass re-arrested on Tuesday.
A Jan. 6 defendant whose felony assault charges were dismissed a day earlier was arrested Wednesday on federal gun charges that have been pending for nearly two years in Florida.
imagine being such a menace to society that one day after you’re released from jail, Donny’s own DOJ says ‘yeah, we gotta get this asshole off the streets, pronto.’
Daniel seems nice.
According to that indictment, Ball has previously been convicted of domestic violence battery by strangulation in June 2017, resisting law enforcement with violence and battery of a law enforcement officer in October 2021.
so now Ball’s back behind bars, where he belongs.
over to you, John Lennon —
wednesday: the undersea adventures of Spongetim Squarehead
how weird is it that maddeningly-unindicted sex pest Matt Gaetz is now the host of a fringe-channel tv show? not as weird, apparently, as the clownfuckingly bizarre notions that rattle around inside Tennessee Rep. Tim Burchett’s head. here’s a thing Tim actually believes: that space aliens live under the ocean — and the government is hiding this from us.
Burchett: “I’ve talked to people that are sonar people, and the way they hide it from us, Matt, they say it’s because our sonar — I believe, I haven’t been briefed on this, this is just from what I’m putting together — but we have some secret sonar. but what’s so crazy about it, like we’re hiding it from the Chinese … but when they tell me something’s moving at hundreds of miles an hour, underwater … this one, it was larger than a football field, underwater. and this was a document case, and I have an admiral telling me this stuff.”
Gaetz: “so that’s where you think the bases are, is underwater then.”
Burchett: “I do, I do. I think, traveling light years, I think it happens, I think it’s possible.”
ohhhh-kaaaaaay. where do you even start with this gibberish? I’m really fucking tempted to ask, “Tim, all these space aliens and sonar experts and this admiral, are they in the room with us right now?” but I’m afraid Tim’s answer would be “yes, they are.”
people of Tennessee’s 2nd district, this is your elected official: a guy who when confronted — on live TV — with evidence of insurrectionists clubbing the shit out of cops on Jan 6, refused to believe it. but space aliens zipping through the oceans at hundreds of miles an hour? absolutely.
thursday: on today’s episode of Capitol Hill Crotchsniffers…
whenever Republicans start in with their tiresome bleating about how ‘we have to ban the transgenders from bathrooms,’ I always ask: who is going to enforce these asinine rules? well, it looks like we got our answer: performative-nonsense fuckfaces with way too much free time.
lap-hockey enthusiast Handy Oakley made herself the center of attention on Thursday when she somehow became convinced that there was a random penis in a House women’s bathroom. never one to let a trouser trout go unexamined, Handy ran right in to confront the owner of the alleged appendage.
“I bear witness: Rep. Lauren Boebert bursting out of the House Women’s restroom during this afternoon’s vote series, complaining to security personnel stationed in the nearby Speakers Lobby of ‘a guy’ inside the bathroom…”
after failing to sniff out this supposed one-eyed pantsmonster, a disappointed Handy fetched up that other expert in All Matters Crotch, the Scarlet Moron.
“Intrigued, I stuck around to see who would emerge from the bathroom...and saw just 4 other people leave, all women. Within minutes, however, Boebert was storming back from the House floor into the restroom — reinforced by Rep. Nancy Mace in tow ...”
but alas, there were no baloney ponies to be found.
“Who would dare leave this scene now? Not me. Mace is author of the resolution prohibiting transgender women in the chamber from using the women’s restroom. But alas, just seconds after this duo entered the bathroom, they come back out — and went back quietly to the floor.”
false alarm, this time. but I’m glad that Handy Oakley’s on the job — because she’s so good at, y’know, getting to the root of things.
friday: who raised these weirdos?
Alexa, show me an example of way too much information.
Mel Gibson: “I’m glad Trump is here. It’s like daddy arrived and he’s taking his belt off.”
what is it with these toxic spank-me bros? we’ve already heard from deviants like roasted ballsack aficionado Tucker Carlson and misshapen garden gnome Charlie Kirk about how much they want to be paddled by big daddy Donny — and now we can add Mel Gibson to the roster of naughty boys pining for Dear Leader’s firm hand.
you have to ask: who the fuck raised these people?
well, in Mel’s case, we already know: some god-mad antisemitic conspiracy loon.
but oh look, we have a Stupid Friday Twofer — because Jesse Watters also let his toxic masculinity freak flag fly.
“what kind of husband goes grocery shopping with his wife?”
normal husbands, Jesse. that’s who.
is it any wonder that Jesse’s the latest in a long line of Fox News blowhards who are already on their second — or third — wives?
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
TITKOK. I'm choking on my coffee cake, dude. 😂😂😂
Is that the best Tennessee can send...Tim is certifiable. 🤦♀️
Capitol Hill Crotchsniffers for the WIN!!!!
This summary made me feel better. Have a great weekend, everybody!
Lord God Almighty.
BTW, Watters, MY DAD, an actual alpha, went grocery shopping with his wife. And kids. Kids would be sent to acquire various items, he'd wander off and come back with ten cans of smoked fish. Or weird crackers. My mom: "Jesus Christ, Skip, you're worse than the kids." Anyone else have a dad like that?