Tucker Carlson’s been a bad girl, and he’s ready for his spanking

and the cultists wonder why we call them weird

soft, pampered frozen-fish-stick heir Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson has some pretty ahem unconventional ideas about what it takes to be a manly man.

for one, roast your ballsack. just shove those sweet danglers into the nearest NutToaster5000™, and reap the benefits of who the fuck even knows.

but if you really want to be the manliest of manly man-men, Fishstick McBallroaster-style, there’s really only one true way forward: you have to let Dear Leader spank you like the naughty little girl you are.

“there has to be a point at which dad comes home. dad comes home and he’s pissed. he’s not vengeful, he loves his children. disobedient as they may be, he loves them … and when dad gets home, you know what he says? you’ve been a bad girl. you’ve been a bad little girl and you’re getting a vigorous spanking right now. and no, it’s not going to hurt me more than it hurts you. no, it’s not. I’m not going to lie. it’s going to hurt you a lot more than it hurts me. and you earned this. you’re getting a vigorous spanking because you’ve been a bad girl, and it has to be this way.”

that was Tuckums, two nights ago at a hate-rally in Duluth, Georgia, warming up the crowd for Donny Convict.

now, I can hear you saying, please, Uncle Jeff — tell us what happened next. please tell us that the crowd sat in confused silence. that you could hear a pin drop, and then a voice rang out as clear as a bell:

“what the fuck is wrong with you?”

sorry, no. that ain’t how that shit went down. Donny’s deranged cultists gobbled it up.

Clearly this struck a chord with the crowd. Later, when Trump came on stage, they screamed “Daddy’s home” and “Daddy Don.” Sigmund Freud almost rose from his grave.

no one could have predicted that the cultists who prance about in adult diapers — worn outside their clothing — would be totally up for a vigorous spanking from Dear Leader.

and they wonder why we call them weird as fuck.

what the hell did these people’s parents do to them?

it’s been well documented how Donny’s parents fucked him up. his mother, in poor health, was emotionally unavailable.

also — a bad role model for hair

his tyrant Klansman father never stopped telling Donny that he was a stinking piece of shit who would always be a failure.

thank the gods that Donny was able to shake that dysfunction off, and grow up to be a normal, well-adjusted adult, right? seriously, imagine what a better world this would be if old Fred Senior had — even just once — put his arm around Donny and said “son, I’m proud of you.”

parents, make sure your children understand that you love them, so they don’t grow up to be Donny Convict — or Tucker Carlson.

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speaking of Donny, he’s been throwing a weeks-long shit-fit over how 60 Minutes edited Kamala Harris’s answer to one of their questions.

“When we edit any interview, whether a politician, an athlete, or movie star, we strive to be clear, accurate and on point. The portion of her answer on ’60 Minutes’ was more succinct, which allows time for other subjects in a wide ranging 21-minute-long segment.”

it’s a nothingburger of an issue. editing happens all the time. a news outlet spends a hour — or more — with a subject, and then they cut it down to make it fit the allotted running time.

but of course to Donny, this is the worst thing that’s ever happened. it’s election interference — because of course it is. he’s been threatening to sue CBS. he’s vowing to pull their broadcast license and throw them all into prison, once he ascends to the throne as King Fuckface the First.

all of which is preamble to remind you — once again — that with Donny, every accusation is actually a confession.

last week, Donny waddled into a Bronx barbershop, accompanied by a Fox film crew. the idea, of course, was to make it look man-of-the-people Donny popped in unannounced, just to shoot the shit with the common man. y’know, as one does when one lives in a golden tower, surrounded by private bodyguards and a phalanx of Secret Service agents.

you’ll be shocked to learn that what tumbled out of Donny’s rancid anus-mouth was his usual incoherent litany of fantasies, outright lies, and fever-swamp hallucinations.

now, I hope you’re sitting down, because you’ll be even more shocked to learn that Fox News sanewashed the shit out of Donny — because there’s no fucking way they’d let him gibber like a stark barking lunatic in front of their viewers.

CNN reviewed a more complete video of the barbershop visit that was uploaded to Instagram on the day of Trump’s appearance in the Bronx and compared it to the segments that were shown on “Fox & Friends” on Monday.

Fox’s edits omitted numerous Trump tangents and exaggerations.

One of the most telling parts of the dialogue began when an audience member asked Trump about finding a way to eliminate federal taxes in the future. On Fox, Trump was shown immediately answering affirmatively: “There is a way.”

But that response from Trump actually came more than seven minutes later, after Trump (and Jones) brought up other topics, including inheritances, the Keystone Pipeline, Ronald Reagan, Russia, and transgender sports players. Trump had to be nudged back on track several times by the unnamed audience member, who kept circling back, apologetically, and said “I wasn’t able to finish my question.” After he repeated his tax inquiry yet again, Trump said “there is a way.”

no, Fox, no — you can’t edit all that out. that’s Donny’s weave. Donny’s proud of that shit. he thinks pinballing from one disconnected subject to the next makes him sound like some kind of freakin’ rocket scientist.

I call it ‘the weave. And some people think it’s so genius. But the bad people, what they say is, ‘You know, he was rambling.’ That’s not a ramble. There’s no rambling. This is a weave. I call it the weave. You need an extraordinary memory because you have to come back to where you started.

here’s another famous Trump weave

so, Fox — now that you’ve been caught with your pants down, what do you have to say for yourselves?

A Fox News spokeswoman said every one of Jones’ barbershop segments are pretaped and edited. The Bronx edition ran for nearly an hour and was cut for time and clarity, the network said.

what’s that? you cut everything down for time and clarity? you mean just like 60 Minutes does?

knock me over with a fucking feather.

of course, this isn’t the first time that Fox has had to heavily edit Dear Leader. back in June, Donny did a pre-taped Fox & Friends interview where he babbled so incoherently that they had to edit Donny mid-sentence.

it happened again days later, when Dr. Phil aired a heavily-fucked-with interview, again having to edit Donny, pasting together at least three disconnected sentences into one.

seriously, what the fuck was that?

gee, who to vote for? the woman whose clear, coherent answers run so long that they have to be cut down?

or the moon-howling imbecile who blithers incomprehensibly about how Hannibal Lecter wants to have you for dinner, but don’t drive to his house in an hydrogen car or you’ll get exploded all to hell.

it’s a fucking conundrum, that’s for sure.

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today’s final word goes to the email lady herself.

Kaitlan Collins: “what do you think Kamala Harris has to do to avoid a repeat of 2016?”

Hillary Clinton: “well first of all, I don’t think she has Jim Comey in the wings waiting to kneecap her, so that’s good.”

truer words.

eleven days to the election. if we vote, we win.