this week in stupid: April 5 edition
Donny Convict walks to it, Mike Lindell talks to it, and so much more...
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: running on empty
oh look, it’s bankrupt purveyor of chopped foam pillows and all-around crazier-than-a-shithouse-rat nutjob, Mike Lindell.
that’s me!
it’s been a while, Mike. whatcha been up to?
I’m gearing up to run against Tim Walz for Governor of Minnesota.
you’re fucking kidding us, right?
I’m dead serious.
you’re running against Tim Walz, one of the most popular governors in America?
absolutely.
you’re running against America’s Uncle Tim, the guy who will personally come over to your house and teach you to gap the spark plugs on your car?
why not?
but are Minnesota’s voters ready to elect a former crackhead who pushes batshit conspiracy theories about voting machines controlled by Italian satellites?
I don’t see a problem with that.
okay Mike, but what about the part where you’re a total fucking idiot?
so what? look at Donald Trump, Louie Gohmert, Tommy Tuberville, Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene. they’re all total fucking idiots, and they keep getting reelected.
fair point, Mike. best of luck.
tuesday: notable quotable
the Republican Party continues to have a wee bit of a Nazi problem.
here’s Texas Rep. Keith Self, going there.
“I’ll leave you, and I’ll yield back a little bit of my time, a direct quote from Joseph Goebbels. ‘it is the absolute right of the state to supervise the formation of a public opinion,’ and I think that may be what we’re discussing here and yield back.”
of all people to quote, this guy picks Hitler’s propaganda minister. how fucking stupid is that? why would you voluntarily go there? it’s not like there aren’t literally billions of quotable people who aren’t Nazis to choose from.
the worst people in the world — including Keith himself — immediately rose to his defense, because apparently there’s now a positive way to quote Nazis.
maybe it’s just me, but that seems like saying there’s a positive way to sieg heil. oh wait, the worst people in the world are making that argument, too.
here’s a fun fact: this isn’t Keith Self’s first time having to dig himself out from under a shitpile for quoting Nazis.
pro tip: if you have a fifteen-year history of having to defend your constant quoting of Joseph Goebbels, you’re doing it wrong.
wednesday: at least he didn’t quote a Nazi
now let’s all sit back and gaze in awe as United States Senator Jim Banks of Indiana teaches a master class in how to be a complete piece of shit.
former federal employee: “I was a worker at HHS. I was fired illegally on February 14th. there are many people who are not getting social service programs, especially people with disabilities. are you going to do anything to stop what’s happening?”
Jim Banks: “you probably deserved it.”
former federal employee: “I deserved it? wow, that’s great to hear. why did I deserve it?”
Jim Banks: “because you seem like a clown.”
Jim, can we talk? everyone has a camera now, Jim, and everyone is recording everyone at all times. you’re a public figure. you should know this. never forget the prime directive: “each day on [the intenet] there is one main character. the goal is to never be it” — because congratulations, Jim, you’ve just assholed yourself into being the internet’s main character.
thursday: how obsequious is this?
here’s what happens when you take Graham Allen, a rando MAGA podcaster, and give him a job as the Department of Defense’s ‘digital media director’:
“How AMAZING is this?!? President Trump just stepped off Marine One and got into a golf cart at the LIV Golf League tournament.”
Graham, I’ve got North Korean State TV on the phone. they’re saying to tone it down, your praise of Dear Leader is waaaaaaay too over the top.
but please, riddle me this: what the fuck is so amazing? is it that Donny didn’t waddle about with toilet paper stuck to his shoe? (October 4, 2018)
is it that a furious Melania didn’t jump into the cart in before Donny could, and make him take the next one? (January 20, 2024)
is it that Donny didn’t get lost on his way to the cart, and have to be guided back to it by a secret service agent? (July 6, 2017)
or is it just amazing that this dilapidated old toad —
— was able to walk twenty feet without his heart exploding?
opinion among the commenters under that not-tweet, by the way, was split between yes this is amazing and Dear Leader isn’t being fascist enough.
friday: life with father
hey, Larry Kudlow. people are terrified as they watch the stock market implode. perhaps you can share some soothing words of wisdom?
“buying cheap goods is not a real prosperity, and we don't have to accept that. so you lay the law down, that’s all. look, all the badly behaving children in Asia and elsewhere are coming home to papa. they’re all on the phone begging for mercy.”
okay, let’s leave aside the fact that the latest Republican talking point seems to be ‘stop whining that you can’t afford to buy things,’ and let’s also leave aside the fact that Kudlow is lying about Asian countries ‘begging for mercy.’ they’re not.
let’s focus instead on the unresolved daddy fixations that every Republican apparently suffers from — because once again, they’re framing an issue as ‘here comes daddy to discipline you unruly brats.’
what the fuck is wrong with these people? what father-shaped hole in their childhood brought them to this pathetic point?
look at the rogue’s gallery of naughty boys pining for Dear Leader’s firm hand.
antisemitic has-been Mel Gibson: ‘I’m glad Trump is here. it’s like daddy arrived and he’s taking his belt off.’
frozen fish-stick heir Tucker Carlson: ‘you’re getting a vigorous spanking because you’ve been a bad girl, and it has to be this way.’
misshapen garden gnome Charlie Kirk: ‘dad is home.’
could you broken-inside freaks just hire a dominatrix already to give you the vigorous hide-tanning you so desperately desire? she’ll probably agree to wear a Trump mask, if you pay enough.
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
do you have a nomination for This Week in Stupid? email me at jefftiedrich@gmail.com. thanks!
here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
hey, everyone who's protesting today: check in with us and send back reports.
Good luck to everyone protesting today for Hands Off!! 👍🇺🇸💙
There are multiple protests in and around my MAGAt Red City. 👏👏👏👏👏