this year in stupid: 2025 — part 3
a three-part look back at an entire year’s worth of dumbfuckery
as another stupid year comes to a close in America, let’s remember some of the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
note: this is a long post. some email apps — gmail in particular — may truncate it. if this happens to you, click “view entire message” or “view in browser” or go here to see the entire post.
September 8: I meant to do that
folks, if you’re MAGA, and you’re determined to mace the shit out of protestors who showed up to an anti-ICE demonstration, it helps to know which end of the doohickey the spray comes out of.
spoiler alert: yup, she maced herself — and not in the performative Nancy-Mace-beclowning-herself-in-front-of-a-unisex-bathroom way.
she did it in the very, very bad oh-my-god-my-eyes-my-eyes way.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR LACK OF ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER, UNKNOWN MAGA DIPSHIT.
you helped our post get off to a great start. ten out of ten. no notes.
September 15: peak Kirk
in the wake of Charlie Kirk’s murder, big strong conservatives, tears in their eyes, have been falling all the fuck over each other in a mad dash to lionize Charlie as a great man. one of the greatest men. a man like no one’s ever seen before. a man like no one thought possible. possibly the greatest man of all time.
folks, get ready — because the canonization of Charlie Kirk has reached Peak Stupid.
Texas Rep. Troy Nehls: “Charlie Kirk was a man of faith, first and foremost. he loved his Lord Jesus, he loved his family, beautiful wife, beautiful children. just a remarkable, honorable man that was silenced with this assassin’s bullet. I would say if Charlie Kirk lived in the biblical times, he’d have been the 13th disciple.”
I’m going to have to disagree with Rep. Nehls, because I’m pretty sure that had the Kirkster lived in biblical times, he’d have been one of the Four Horsemen of the Shitpocalypse. Grumpy, Dopey, Sleepy, and Charlie.
but that’s just, like, my opinion, man.
nonetheless, get ready to rejoice — because right now, Charlie Kirk is up in Heaven, fronting a band that I certainly hope is called Jesus and the 13 Apostles.
it must be pointed out that the creator of this nightmare fuel, Simon Hedges, is most certainly not a wingnut, and produced that image as a goof. however, that didn’t stop the internet from doing what the internet does best: fail to recognize a joke.
by the way, after I’m finished writing today’s post, I will be sending an angry email to myself demanding that I fire me for being insufficiently respectful to Charlie Kirk.
September 18: I never forget a face
it’s easy to forget, given the firehose of fucknuttery that is our current timeline, that DOGE is still a thing — and that a certain three-toed freak of nature chairs an entire House subcommittee about it.
that’s right, Congresswoman Sporkfoot is still holding pointless hearings, where she drags in some poor unfortunate expert and harangues them about whatever batshit is seeping from her head.
Marjorie Taylor Greene: “did man create the Ice Age?”
witness: “no”
Greene: “right. so none of were alive back then to know for sure.”
Congresswoman, are we sure about that, that none of us were alive back then? I’m asking because the Museum of Confluences in Lyon, France, features an exhibit on Neanderthals —
and there’s a woman in that exhibition who looks pretty goddamn familiar.
so I want to ask you again, Congresswoman, are you sure none of us were alive back then?
remember, you’re under oath.
October 1: give that skateboard the Nobel Peace Prize
this was one of the shittiest years ever, so let’s just enjoy Fox News’ own dunk-tank clown, Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand, flipping a skateboard into his own nuts, on live TV.
oy my god, that sure looks like it hurt like fuck — so let’s savor the moment, and gif that shit for all eternity.
chef’s kiss! let’s zoom in.
suck it up, Warrior Boy.
and mad props to the kid behind Kegstand, who absolutely could not give one shit that the Secretary of Self-Owns just neutered himself.
October 10: the sounds of silence
now let’s enjoy six-hundred-and-forty-nine-year-old Chuck Grassley forgetting how electricity works.
[ten seconds of silence, as Grassley’s mouth moves, after which Lindsey Graham reaches over and turn on his mic] “I forgot to turn on my microphone. let me start again.”
I know, that’s pretty fucking funny — but let’s cut Chuckie Gee a break. as you know, he was first elected to the Senate in 1782 — and the US Capitol building wasn’t electrified until 1910. you know what they say about old dogs learning new tricks.
I gotta tell you, though: those ten seconds, when Chuckles was flapping his ancient gums and no sounds was coming out — those were the most peaceful ten seconds of my entire life.
October 20: hey Donny, I can see the Epstein Ballroom from up here
oh, how cuuuuute! someone strapped Secretary of Defense Flippy McCrushnuts into the child seat of a fighter jet, and took him for a joyride.
let’s be crystal fucking clear about this: Pete Kegstand was a passenger. no way was he flying the plane — not with his blood-alcohol level.
of course, the Department of Defense went out of their way to crop that video in a way that implied Piss-Drunk Pete was piloting that jet — because that’s what you do when your SecDef is a banty rooster with a paper-thin ego in need of constant affirmation that he’s something other than a two-bit Fox News weekend chat-show dunk-tank clown.
Bob Clendenin, can you please explain to the nice people why no one with a functioning brain should be impressed by this ridiculous public relations stunt?
sure, but you know doesn’t have a functioning brain? MAGA, that’s who. those dumbfucks immediately started punching the air and going ‘Kegstand, fuck yeah!’
Community Notes, could you please explain to MAGA what they’re too dim to grasp on their own?
coolest SecDef ever? absolutely not. drunkest, maybe.
October 29: blessed are the joyless scolds
here’s a grand October tradition: Christian evangelicals shitting all over Halloween.
Amanda Grace: “so, I want to speak to these people that want to take part in these ceremonies today. that want to take part in horrific wickedness today. you are nothing more than a slave to Satan and his kingdom. he hates you, he cannot stand you, because whether you like it or not, you’re made in the image of God. and you are just a means to his end. you are a slave to his exploits. you are in bondage to do his bidding.”
lighten the fuck up, Francis.
holy shit, lady. I just wanted to dole out some candy to kids.
I’m pretty sure Satan has more important stuff on his plate right now, what with an entire White House to run.
seriously, could evangelicals please shut the fuck up already and let the rest of us have our fun? it’s not our fault that you can’t find joy in anything, so stop shitting all over ours.
November 13: first they came for whatever the fuck this is
Florida Rep. An Appalling Lunatic went on Newsmax and — [taps earpiece] hold on, I’m being informed that the Florida rep’s name is actually Anna Paulina Luna. goddammit, I keep making this mistake. sorry about that, Anna. let me start over.
Florida Rep. Anna Paulina Luna went on Newsmax and did what she does best: blithered like an appalling lunatic.
Newsmax: “you’re on the record talking about, quote ‘non-human life-forms that could be interdimensional beings who are visiting us.’ can you just explain more, so people at home might know what that means.”
Lunatic: “yes, so that’s definitely a mouthful, but that is directly based on information that we received from witnesses. also information that we have obtained and witnessed via our investigations. there is some stuff that I can’t disclose what I have immediately seen in some of these SCIFs, but what I will tell you is, this is not some crazy conspiracy theory.”
spoiler alert: yes is it. it’s a crazy conspiracy theory.
I’d like to ask Anna if these interdimensional beings are in the room with us right now, but I’m afraid that she’d respond ‘yes, they are. duh. can’t you see them?’
this is why An Appalling Lunatic got herself elected to office — not to help her constituents, or to make anyone’s life better — but, apparently, to get to the bottom of whatever the fuck this is.
November 20: as what’s-his-face is my witness
holy moly. according to ‘prophetess’ Kat Kerr, God is using her as a vessel, and literally speaking through her right now. you can tell, because she’s doing her best to lower her voice and get all projecty and stuff.
“and I sit as the high judge. NO ONE CAN IMPEACH ME. AND NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO IMPEACH TRUMP. I HAVE APPOINTED HIM— ANOINTED HIM. HE IS MY PRESIDENT FOR AMERICA, AND WILL BE SO UNTIL I AM FINISHED WITH HIS ASSIGNMENT.”
I’m kinda skeptical. if the Omnipotent Big Guy in the Sky were actually speaking through Kat, I’m pretty sure he’d know the difference between ‘appointed’ and ‘anointed.’
hey, I can also pretend that God is speaking through me. all I have to do is type in all caps. watch: HEY KAT, SHUT THE FUCK UP.
November 26: u wanna b what?
folks, please meet the Department of Homeland Security’s acting chief security officer, Iwona B. Horyn.
yes, that’s really her name.
she’s right there on the DHS web site.
and please, let’s not mock Iwona for it. she didn’t choose her name, and there’s no doubt in my mind that she’s already endured a lifetime of teasing.
but there is one thing I’d like to ask Ms. Horyn’s parents.
WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?
why didn’t the person filling out the birth certificate snatch the baby out of Mother Horyn’s hands and say ‘you can have her back when you come to your senses.’
we don’t know how Iwona feels about any of this. she’s not saying. neither is her husband, Hugh G. Rection.
December 2: blessed are the gullible
podcast bro Joe Rogan’s whole deal is that he’s a credulous meathead. he’ll sit there like a lump as some raving conspiracy loon barks out the batshittiest fever-swamp hallucinations imaginable — after which Joe will nod his head, take a long drag off a joint, and go ‘huh. I didn’t know that.’
but Joe’s not above making his own nonsensical high-as-fuck pronouncements.
“Jesus was born out of a virgin mother. what’s more virgin than a computer? if Jesus does return, even if Jesus was a physical person in the past, you don’t think he could return as artificial intelligence? artificial intelligence could absolutely return as Jesus.”
I think it’s high time (see what I did there?) for Joe Rogan to put down the joint — because I’m pretty sure he meant ‘Jesus could absolutely return as AI.’
this unknown twitterer says it far better than I ever could.
as someone who attended high school in the early 1970s and had many friends with older brothers, I can confirm that this is 100% true.
December 22: always be grifting
we should check in with Erika Kirk, the widow of misshapen garden gnome Charlie Kirk. she’s been though some shit lately. what’s that, Erika? you’ve got a ‘holiday season message’ for us?
“HOLIDAY MESSAGE: @MrsErikaKirk shares her — and what would have been Charlie’s — holiday season message: ‘Just rest...Love on your babies. Love on your family members. Life is short.’ Find Charlie Kirk’s final work, ‘Stop, in the Name of God,’ at http://45Books.com.”
hang on, did Erika actually end that message with a book plug? oh yes, she fucking well did!
so, apparently, the five stages of MAGA grief are denial, anger, podcasting, publicly making out with JD Vance, and selling merch.
just in case Erika Kirk profiting off her husband’s murder doesn’t creep you out enough, here’s another fun thing the Garden Gnomists™ have done.
yup, they’ve recreated the tent where the misshapen gnome was assassinated — and the cultists are all invited to take selfies in it. how fucktacularly ghoulish is that?
you know where they got this brilliant idea to fetishize tragedy, don’t you? from Dear Leader, who has turned an entire wall at the White House into a shrine to his Miracle Ear Nicking.
who the fuck does that?
that puts a wrap on 2025, folks. have a non-stupid New Year’s Eve!
here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
947 / 1036
The video of Pete KegStand is even better than the GIF, because it shows his swagger leading up to his castration. I had to watch it three times to fully take in the glory of it all.
Happy New Year everyone, but not to Secretary of Defense Flippy McCrushnuts! 😂🥂🍾🎉