this year in stupid: 2023 — part 2

a three-part look back at the dumbest shit that happened

as another stupid year comes to a close in America, let’s remember some of the lowlights.

note: this is a long post. some email apps — gmail in particular — may truncate it. if this happens to you, click “view entire message” or “view in browser” or go here to see the entire post.

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July 3: Logan’s parents fucking SUCK

what in actual fuck. who gives a cake like this to a ten year old? Logan, I hope that when you turn 18, you come out, move to Provincetown and make your parents very unhappy. in the meantime, we’re all deeply sorry that you have to deal with this.

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July 13: gaseous eruption disrupts erupting gasbag

this headline says it all:

but you have to read the article to fully grasp the insanity of it:

… an innocent-enough inquiry that enraged former gossip columnist Doug Dechert, the—reportedly drunk—host of the whole event.

…

… but Dechert was relentless, continuing to rant about the “scam” of climate change while Haden-Guest disparaged him with insults, calling him “fucking insane” and “insignificant.” That’s when Dechert brought out his secret weapon: a booming fart that he released while shouting, “I’m farting!”

as any 5-year-old boy will you, there’s no point in breaking wind if you’re not going to loudly announce it while it’s happening.

observers agree that this was the most strategic use of a fart since the time Rudy Giuliani covid-gassed Jenna Ellis.

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July 14: welcome to the world’s most unappealing sumo match

this man:

is challenging this man:

to a fight.

look, we get it, Chris. your whole 2024 presidential campaign is predicated on the notion that you’re a bigger and better bully than Trump.

but what is it with toxic bros always challenging each other to fight? I mean, admit it, you’d pay good money to watch Marky Zuck whale the tar out of Elon. so would I. but Chris Christie and Donald Trump? I couldn’t change the channel fast enough.

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July 17: Congresswoman Sporkfoot records a Biden campaign ad

on Monday, a miracle happened: Marjorie Three Brain Cells Greene wrote a campaign ad for Joe Biden.

of course, she didn’t mean to do that. what Marge intended to do was scare the living fuck out of everyone by equating Joe Biden’s agenda with the evils of FDR’s New Deal and Lyndon Johnson’s Great Society.

there was just one teensy problem: the laundry list of “evils” that Her Sporkness compiled was actually a list of everything good that’s happened in America in the last hundred years.

you know, stuff like Social Security and voting rights and ending poverty. things Republicans hate but are actually super popular with the American people.

the Biden campaign took notice:

say what you want about Joe Biden, but his comms people are pretty awesome at their jobs.

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July 19: Donald Trump is a man with a plan to have a plan about a plan and it’s going to be a great plan, maybe the greatest plan ever

Donald Trump is a low-wattage moron, but I’ll give him credit for this: the man is a master bullshitter. here he is, being asked a simple question about the environment, and he barrels right into his answer, right up until the point (15 seconds in) where he realizes that he has no idea whether he’s supposed to be for the issue or against it, so after the briefest pause to recalculate, he drops right into some standard “it’s going to be amazing, you’ll see” word salad.

what a brilliant idiot.

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July 27: a trifecta of stupid. no, a stupidfecta

let’s say you’re a Republican in good standing, and on Tuesday, Ron DeSantis starts blathering on about the positive aspects of slavery. and then on Wednesday, Greg Gutfeld ups the ante by insisting that “useful” Jews survived the Holocaust.

those are two pretty hard acts to follow — so what do you do for the trifecta?

if you had “World War II internment camps were super-awesome for the Japanese” on your Republican Dipshittery Bingo Card, I have some very good news for you:

you’re welcome, George Takei.

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August 3: what the—

Thursday was Trump Arraignment Day and every fucking lunatic came out of the woodwork so show support for their criminal hero.

this fellow was wandering around in front of the courthouse, apparently waiting for the mothership to land and take him back his home planet.

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August 9: imagine being this proud of being this fragile

Matt Walsh has a bone to pick with pansexuals.

“other people have a right to know if they are potential obects of your sexual fantasies.”

wait, what now? seriously? Matt, I don’t know how to break this to you, but well-adjusted people don’t worry about shit like this. well-adjusted people go “oh, interesting,” and then they get on with their lives.

seriously, man — find a hobby. oh wait — this is your hobby. ugh.

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August 11: Ron DeSantis picks a winner

what makes Ron DeSantis such a winner?

the answer is probably how relatable he is. after all, who among us hasn’t sat in on Gitmo torture sessions and laughed? who among hasn’t posed like we’re some kind of lizard-creature wearing an ill-fitting human skin suit?

and who among us hasn’t charmed the Iowa electorate by picking our nose and wiping the booger off on the brim of some voter’s hat?

oh Ron. we’re swooning.

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August 15: train wreck meets traffic stop

to call Ronny Jackson a bit of a train wreck would be an understatement.

the former Trump physician and current Texas Rep has been alleged to have a bit of a drug and alcohol problem.

Ronny also seems to have a bit of an anger management problem.

Law enforcement officials, according to the report and to their accounts of the incidents in the videos, asked Jackson repeatedly to back away from a teenage girl who was experiencing a seizure, to make room for the EMS who were just arriving. But Jackson, who served as the White House physician under Presidents Obama and Trump — refused and grew increasingly combative with officials before being tackled to the ground by two law enforcement officials. 

ok, make that three kinds of stupid: harmless stupid, dangerous stupid and yelling-at-state-troopers-until-they-tackle-you-to-the-ground stupid.

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August 23: meet Penny, the fetus who refused to be aborted

the entire Republican debate on Wednesday was a neutron-star-dense brick of stupid, but the crowning moment of peak stupid came when Ron DeSantis told the story of his friend, Penny.

Penny, you see, simply refused to be aborted. her mother tried and failed numerous times to get rid of Penny, but the wily fetus was too smart for her.

when fetal Penny was at 23 weeks, the doctors and Penny’s mom finally succeeded, but our story doesn’t end there. Penny was left in a pan to die — but when no one was looking, Penny’s grandmother stealthily absconded with Penny and brought her to another hospital to be cared for, and spoiler alert: Penny lives to this day.

it’s a heartwarming story, except for the part where it’s utter fucking crazypants hogwash.

because the person who claims to be Penny was born in 1955 — and a 23-week-old fetus had an exactly zero percent chance of surviving outside the womb in 1955, before life-saving neo-natal technology was a thing.

lie better, Ron DeSantis, you fucking homunculus.

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August 25: first they came for the light bulbs, and I didn’t speak out—

… because no one is coming for the light bulbs, you paranoid idiots.

then they came for the toilets, and I didn’t speak out— because no one is coming for the toilets, you bloviating gasbags.

then they came for the gas stoves, and I didn’t speak out— because no one is coming for the gas stoves, you asinine morons.

then they came for the ceiling fans, and I didn’t speak out— instead, I rolled my eyes so hard that I sprained my big toe.

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August 30: have some situational awareness, bro

it’s hard to make Peter Navarro look stupider than he is, but this woman does it in spades.

after losing his executive privilege battle in court, Navarro stood on the courthouse steps and tried to whine to reporters about how unfair it all is — all while a protestor stood behind him, holding a “Trump lost” sign. that would be awesome all on its own, but it’s what happened after Navarro realized what was going on that pushed the scene into the stuff of legend.

Navarro angrily tried to grab the sign, but our hero was having none of it.

“bro, you’re already facing charges, go ahead and commit another crime. I’ve been here the whole time. have some situational awareness.”

I have no idea who this woman is, but she deserves the Congressional Medal of Honor.

her twitter account is here. follow the shit out of her.

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September 8: oh lord, please send me a sign

sometimes these metaphors just write themselves.

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September 11: meet America’s newest power couple

Lauren Boebert is well-known in the halls of Congress for being the pinnacle of class and breeding. when she’s not politely debating her colleagues on the finer points of constitutional law, she can be found schooling her staff on the proper use of a salad fork.

Lauren and her new beau were in Denver to take in a performance of Beetlejuice The Musical. security footage shows the couple searching for Lauren’s lost contact lens. Lauren is subtly checking to see if it fell between her boyfriend’s legs, while he checks to make sure it didn’t fall into the modest neckline of her tasteful evening gown.

afterwards, they thoughtfully left the performance so that the pregnant woman in the seat behind them could have an unobstructed view of the stage.

ha ha, just kidding! low-rent trash-basket Lauren Boebert and her dipshit date were completely disruptive, singing, vaping and getting way too handsy with each other, for which they were summarily tossed the fuck out of the theater for being a public disgrace.

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September 18: meet the most well-regulated militia ever

“relax, I don’t know how to do this.”

this coming civil war is going to be fucking awesome.

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September 21: welcome to lunch in Joe Biden’s hellish inflationscape

a super fun game that wingnuts like to play is to post a picture of some consumer item, claim it cost a skillion dollars, and blame it all on life in Joe Biden’s dystopian hellscape.

increasingly-irrelevant New York Times columnist David Brooks decided to get a piece of this action, snapping a pic of his lunch and posting “this meal just cost me $78 at Newark Airport. This is why Americans think the economy is terrible.”

what Brooks and his ilk always forget is that we’re all on the same internet they are, and these ridiculous claims are just way too easy to debunk.

folks on social media quickly determined where Brooks had eaten, checked the menu and did the math. Brooks’s burger and fries cost $17 — a bit pricey, but come on, you’re in a fucking airport, what did you expect — which means what Brooks was really complaining about was his $61 glass of top-shelf single malt. for chrissakes, David, you parsimonious dipshit, next time just get a glass of water and shut the fuck up.

even the restaurant, 1911 Smokehouse Barbecue, dunked on Brooks:

hell, even John Fetterman got in on the act:

as we noted yesterday, he’s so fucking good at this.

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September 24: at least Hitler knew how to wear a mustache

Washington Post columnist Kathleen Parker has a hot new opinion that she can’t wait to share with you.

look, Donald Trump may be a megalomaniacal moron who dreams of becoming America’s Dictator For Life, but at least he knows how to dress.

excuse me? on what planet does the guy who wears cheap shapeless suits and a shithole tie that goes down to his fucking knees know how to dress?

on what planet does smearing a quart of bronzer on your face and topping it off with a fucked-up rat’s nest of cotton-candy bullshit on top of your vacant pumpkin head qualify as knowing how to dress?

wait a minute — Kathleen Parker. hey, where have we heard that name before? oh yeah, she’s the author of this war crime, published four days before the 2016 election.

say what you want about Kathleen Parker, at least the woman knows how to be wrong.

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September 27: another media atrocity

you may have heard that on Tuesday, Joe Biden stood on a picket line with striking auto workers. and you may have heard that on Wednesday, Donald Trump addressed a crowd of striking auto workers.

you may have even seen this photo:

unfortunately, only half of what you heard was true — the “Joe Biden stood on a picket line” part — and the photo was complete bullshit.

first off, Trump did not speak to striking workers. he spoke to non-union workers who were very much on the job.

secondly, see that person holding an “auto worker for Trump” sign? not an auto worker — and the person holding the “union members for Trump” sign? not a union member. they were Trump-hired stooges.

but because our lazy corporate-controlled media merely functions as stenographers, they dutifully printed the lies that Team Trump told them. it took more than a day for the truth to come out — in the foreign press — but by then, the damage was done. in the minds of the public at large, both Biden and Trump spoke to striking workers.

another ace job, media. pat yourselves on the back.

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September 28: imagine being this much of a fragile fucking dipshit

in all fairness, you’d have to be some kind of fucking dipshit to fire someone for agreeing that you’re a fucking dipshit.

what kind of fucking dipshit does that?

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tomorrow: part three of three.