this week in stupid: November 16 edition

Jesse’s disinvited, raw milkers get ignited, and so much more...

Jeff Tiedrich

Nov 16, 2024

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as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.

monday: what this calls for is a really futile and stupid gesture

folks, tough-talking Georgia Rep. Mike Collins — the MAGAfied rage-muppet who was elected to office after using an AR-15 to blow away a voting machine — has drawn a line in the fucking sand.

“I will not be voting for Thune or Cornyn for Senate Majority Leader. Do not attempt to change my mind.”

go take a seat, you grandstanding, performative-nonsense douche-canoe.

there’s a very good reason you won’t be voting for John Thune or John Cornyn: because you’re not a Senator. you don’t get a vote.

how does Mike Collins not know this? I swear, there needs to be a basic civics exam that elected officials have to take before they’re allowed into the Capitol building — or maybe the voters in Mike’s district should be forced to take a breathalyzer test before being allowed to cast a ballot.

tuesday: Jesse’s mom has got it going on

Jesse Watters’ mom has a unique problem: what do you do when your drunk MAGA uncle who ruins every Thanksgiving isn’t actually your uncle, but in fact is your son?

“I was not invited to my mother’s house for Thanksgiving. apparently there wasn’t enough room. she said it was a ‘scheduling situation.’”

oh, to have been a fly on the wall for that conversation. sorry, Jesse, my darling son, there isn’t a place for you at the table — not when literally every other person on the planet is ahead of you in line.

wednesday: hey google, where can I get a new brain?

we really do live in the dumbest country, in the stupidest possible timeline.

According to the data, queries about "how to change my vote" spiked on the morning of Election Day on November 5 at 7 a.m, reaching 100, before gradually declining throughout the day. By November 6, significantly fewer people were inquiring about switching their choice, but searches increased again on November 7.

not knowing that you can’t change your vote after you cast it, that’s profoundly dumb.

but Christ on a cupcake — people were still googling this a week after the election. that’s clownfuckingly barrel-bottom stupid.

hey, you’ll never guess what other thing people were googling the shit out of in the days following the election.

Search results for ‘did Joe Biden drop out’ also peaked several times during election week.

holy shit, talk about low-information voters. how do you not know this?

imagine walking into a voting booth and being totally blindsided by the fact that Joe Biden isn’t on the ballot.

what else are these people surprised by, as they go about their daily business?

honey? I just turned the kitchen faucet, and now there’s water coming out of it. what’s up with that?

thursday: disinfowars

on Thursday, the entire goddamned world stood up and cheered when out of nowhere, Alex Jones’ Infowars was bought at auction by The Onion.

well, ok — not the entire world. the I-did-my-own-research crowd did what it does best: deny basic reality.

“so there is no proof The Onion actually bought infowars”

that’s right, Russian Tool Tim — there’s no proof, aside from the numerous news reports, the copious court documents, and the video of Alex Jones crying about it.

Roger Stone immediately whined unfair — because he was outbid by The Onion. apparently there was a dastardly conspiracy to keep Ratrucking Roger from buying Infowars — a conspiracy that involved The Onion having more money than he did.

I have to say, though — the conspiracy crowd inventing a conspiracy about a conspiracy website, that’s some snake-eating-its-own-tail shit right there.

MAGA tears truly are the sweetest of all.

friday: got e-coli?

raw milk is back in the news. the nomination of Bobby Brainworms Jr to head the Department of Dying of a Preventable Disease has triggered a renewed interest in the pleasures of tossing back a fresh glass of bacteria.

only this time, MAGA doesn’t want to hear any of your liberal pansy tut-tutting about how raw milk is teeming with deadly organisms like e-coli and listeria — because these geniuses have once again done their own research, and they’ve figured out a work-around.

The whole raw milk debate is false. Once you boil milk, it’s totally fine to drink it. A lot of people in a lot of countries do it. Calm your purple hair down!

oh, is that all you have to do? boil the raw milk, to kill all the germs?

congratulations, brainiacs, you just invented pasteurization.

now go back to googling can I change my vote, it’s a more-productive use of your time.

saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

do you have a nomination for This Week in Stupid? email me at jefftiedrich@gmail.com. thanks!

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.