this week in stupid: March 30 edition

Newt's a ghoul, Rudy's a fool, Carville's a tool, and so much more ...

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.

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sunday: tiresome old man yells at cloud, part one

long-past-his-sell-by-date political terrorist Newt Gingrich is in the middle of a ginormous unhappy right now.

“you have to decide. sooner or later you gotta realize, the bills have been worse since McCarthy’s gone. the Democrats are in greater control. the hard-liners on the right have done nothing but make it worse. the Freedom Caucus right now has been a disaster in public policy terms. you think your job in life is to grandstand and complain while the other team runs over you.”

holy shit, this is like Jeffrey Dahmer going on TV to whine about all the serial killers.

piss all the way up a rope, Newt. nobody has done more to destroy functional government than you. you were a grandstanding obstructionist asshole before anyone in the Freedom Caucus was born. you came to Washington to throw bombs and fuck shit up, and these Freedom Fucksticks are simply following your example — and now you have the nerve to complain that all the land mines you buried are blowing up?

hey Newt, this you?

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monday: tiresome old man yells at cloud, part two

here’s another tale of an ancient white male currently drowning in a ginormous fuckload of sad.

if I said to you, “Maureen Dowd interviewed James Carville,” you’d probably reply “well that sounds like a twenty-megaton shit-show right there” — and you’d be right.

In his interview, Carville said the Democratic party is failing because “there are too many preachy females … ‘Don’t drink beer, don’t watch football, don’t eat hamburgers, this is not good for you,'” he said. “The message is too feminine: ‘Everything you’re doing is destroying the planet. You’ve got to eat your peas.’”

Jesus wept. seriously, in 2024, Carville is whining about “preachy” women?

media, can we talk? how is anything James Carville says relevant? why are we still sticking a microphone in front of this guy?

I’m sorry, but James Carville is a big bucket of who gives a shit.

James Carville is basically famous for being famous. he’s the Kim Kardashian of politics. thirty-two years ago, Carville ran a sucessful campaign against a vastly unpopular incumbent in the middle of a recession, and ever since then the media has been treating him like some kind of once-in-a-generation political super-genius.

oh please, a crusty cum-sock could have defeated Poppy Bush in ‘92. let’s find that nasty old sock and put it in front of a camera. it probably has more pertinent — and less offensive — things to say than James Carville does.

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tuesday: feel the boebertmentum!

noted sex therapist Handy Oakley’s plan to take Colorado’s Fourth District by storm is going rather swimmingly.

Scandal-ridden Colorado Republican Congresswoman Lauren Boebert drew a small crowd to a campaign event as she fights to retain a place in Washington after switching districts. 

oh dear.

really weird how Colorado Republicans are rejecting Handy. what could be more on-brand for the GOP than a bubble-headed attention-hungry moron with a criminal record whose private life and family are a fucking embarassment?

I mean, didn’t I basically describe Donald Trump just now?

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wednesday: defauding fraudster says wut

top GOP donors are apprehensive about giving to the Trump-controlled RNC, because they know that there’s a 100% chance that their money will be spent on Alina Habba’s next round of botched plastic surgery.

well, Lara Trump has this super fucking reassuring message for those nervous nellies.

“trust me, I am the daughter-in-law of Donald Trump.”

some of these jokes just write themselves.

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thursday: first they came for Hannity’s brain— and I didn’t speak out

oh sweet jeebus, not this idiocy again.

“they want to take away your stove, your refrigerator, your air conditioner — they even want to take away your meat.”

what’s the matter Sean, did you run out of fictional migrant caravans to whine about?

Republicans have been harping on this “Democrats are taking away your creature comforts” thing since forever and it’s just a big stinky pile of horse shit. it’s not happening. it’s just the standard GOP playbook: keep the rubes riled up over imaginary bullshit and they won’t notice that you’re picking their pockets

listen up, voters: Democrats aren’t trying to take away your appliances, and they sure as hell don’t give a fuck about how much meat you eat. but Republicans are trying to take away your Medicare and your Social Security and your right to make your own decisions about your body. now there’s something to worry about.

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friday: area podcaster seeks area

hey, we found yet another ancient white male fuckface melting into his own puddle of sad.

Rudy Colludy is, of course, in the middle of having his all his shit liquidated in order to pay off the millions of dollars he owes Ruby Freeman and Shaye Moss for destroying their lives.

the Rudester’s been in front of a bankruptcy court judge these days, begging to be allowed to keep his Florida condo because — wait for it — he needs a place to do his podcast.

Rudy Giuliani begs bankruptcy court to let him keep his Florida condo so he can keep podcasting to pay creditors

fuck off, Rudy. you can do your podcast from your new home in that cardboard box under a highway bridge abutment.

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saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

have a non-stupid weekend, everyone.