this week in stupid: June 8 edition
racists strut their stuff, racists act real tough, and so much more...
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.
monday: teach your children
June is Pride Month here in the good old US of A, and we should check in on our country’s conservatives to see how they’re coping.
hey, Erick Erickson — as an extreme-right bloviator with both a radio show and a blog, you’ve got your finger on the pulse of the wingnutsphere. any comment?
“Government run schools meet Pride Month.
kindergartners: I wanna learn my ABC’s
Public School teachers: I said we gay today”
oh dear. let’s run this meme through the racist-o-meter™ and see how it does.
it is a black person? check.
does he have a menacing posture? check.
is he speaking in vernacular? check.
is he saying a thing no teacher would say? check.
now let me fine-tune the bigotry setting —
is it super homophobic as well as racist? checkity fucking check.
Erick son of Erick, my dude — I don’t know how to break this to you, but you can teach a child their ABCs and to not be an intolerant dick at the same time.
it’s a real shame you didn’t go to a school like that.
tuesday: literally, a ton
now let’s check in on Charlie Kirk and see what he’s been up to.
“that’s why we’re rallying in downtown Detroit. we want Detroit to be Bronx 2.0 where we have a ton of blacks and hispanics that are coming to the event, black patriots and black Americans who are coming.”
oh please.
Charlie Kirk is the guy who blamed airplane crashes on the existence of black people — the guy who said he’d have to think twice about getting on a plane if the pilot was black. in fact, Kirk seems really obsessed with the notion that they let black people fly planes.
“Ramon and Cadillac,” how charming.
Charlie Kirk is the dipshit who called Martin Luther King Jr. a “bad guy” — and he said it on MLK’s 95th birthday.
he also called George Floyd a scumbag.
but sure, Chuck. tells us more about how popular you are with black folk. in fact, tell us — is this “ton of black people” in the room with us right now?
do they have three arms?
do they have weird, fucked-up hands with an indeterminate number of fingers?
are the words on their shirts and hats formed from an alphabet that does not exist on planet earth?
by the way, a “ton of blacks” is literally eleven average-size adults. so, cool boast, Charlie — have a ton of fun with your eleven three-armed, six-fingered blacks.
hey, I know a guy who can attract crowds of actual black folks, and doesn’t have to rely on computer-generated bullshittery. can you guess who he is?
wednesday: fear of a black handshake
it’s graduation day at Baraboo High School in Wisconson. let’s drop in and see how it’s going.
oh look — here’s a happy teen who’s just received her diploma, shaking the hands of the school’s administrators, and … wait, what’s this?
holy shit! her father rushed the stage and pushed the only black guy out of the way, so his daughter couldn’t shake his hand. what the fuck? look at the poor girl, standing there with an mortified look on her face.
off camera, Mr. Father of the Year can be heard saying “whoa, whoa, whoa. no, you’re not. that’s my daughter.”
Mr. World’s Greatest Dad was swiftly arrested. he told the cops that oh no, he wasn’t racist, he just had a personal beef with the only black person on the stage.
dude, come on. optics. how about next time, think before you act. congratulations, hothead — now you will forever be known as Racist Dad and you’ve given your daughter a graduation day she’ll never forget. awesome job, bro.
if Baraboo High School seems familiar to you, that’s because it’s the school where, in 2019, sixty students posed for a photo in which they all sieg heiled.
which raises the question: what the fuck is in the water in Baraboo, Wisconsin?
thursday: a fool and his fake money
Arizona’s own twitchy neurological disaster zone, Paul Gosar, has a hot new idea he can’t wait to foist on America.
he’s introduced legislation to resurrect the five-hundred-dollar bill and stick Dear Convicted Leader’s ugly mug on it.
of course doing so would be illegal — putting living people’s portraits on currency was outlawed by an act of Congress in 1866 — but since when have Republicans been bothered by silly little things like laws?
Paul, why are you wasting time on legislation that will never pass, when right now, you can already invest in Trump Bucks?
Supporters are told Trump Bucks will propel Donald Trump’s 2024 presidential bid and make the “real patriots” who support him rich when he wins and they can cash in.
How would it work? According to NBC News, those who got duped believe Trump, when he is re-elected, will institute a new monetary system that will make Trump Bucks valuable.
that’s right, scammers are using the promise of Trump “instituting a new monetary system” to fleece the gullible — because nobody ever went broke underestimating the stupidity of the Trump cultist.
Paul, can we talk? this is racism week. what the fuck are you doing pushing your bullshit fake money when the rest of your party is out here denigrating black people?
bro, I got a substack to run and you’re fucking it up bigtime. did you not get the memo?
friday: sneaker-wearing felons for Trump
ah, here we go. Joe Rogan, poster boy for the emotionally-stunted white male meathead, definitely got the memo.
“so many rappers are showing support for Trump now, it’s crazy — ’cause now he’s got a felony.”
I mean, obviously. to hear Rogan tell it, black people are all felons and so of course they’d flock to the relatable homeboy who just got convicted of the whitest of white-collar crimes: falsifying business records.
it’s like that time some numbskull went on Fox News to claim that Trump had the black vote sewn up because Donny was selling crappy spray-painted sneakers.
again, obviously — because all black people are sneaker-obsessed inner-city thugs. Fox News said so, so it must be true.
once again, I hate to break it to you dipshits, but — aside from the grifters and opportunists out to make a buck — the only black people who love Trump are the imaginary kind who have the wrong number of fingers and live in that section of New York City where palm trees flourish.
hey — did you notice a common theme across all of this week’s stupid? all these white bros imagine that black people are simpleminded folk who can be easily tricked by simple slight of hand.
no, my dudes — it’s the MAGA cultists who are easily conned. none of these black people are sending their money to a fake billionaire so that he can pay his legal bills — because that would be stupid.
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
have a non-stupid weekend, everyone.
by the way, I did not intend from the start to do "racism week," it just turned out that 80% of everything stupid that happened this week was racist
You know it’s a stupid week when you can’t even squeeze in Alito’s neighbor admitting she used the “c” word on Mrs. Alito after that bitch checked her first — with her full name no less. If someone used their SCOTUS connection to snoop on me then intimidate me with taxpayer-furnished security, I’d probably drop the cunt bomb too. Sorry not sorry.