this week in stupid: June 29 edition
Handy Oakley wears ’em, Bobby Brainworms dares ’em, and so much more...
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.
monday: cult of stupid
Jason Selvig deserves our undying gratitude, because he’s unafraid to go to the front lines of stupid and subject himself to mind-boggling dipshittery at point blank range — just so the rest of us don’t have to.
cultist 1: “I think that Donald Trump is innocent, and I think that’s why he was found innocent, and I think that—”
Jason: “he was found guilty.”
cultist 1: “yeah. well. he got—”
Jason: “he was found guilty on 34 felonies.”
cultist 1: “yet he’s still not locked up, so there’s a reason for that.”
Jason: “they haven’t done the sentencing yet. that’s July 11th.”
cultist 1: “still back him up.”
cultist 2: “he’s innocent, completely innocent. there’s just no evidence on him.”
Jason: “he was convicted, so he is guilty.”
cultist 2: “I disagree with that.”
Jason: “no, but he is guilty.”
cultist 2: “I disagree.”
Jason: “but he was proven guilty. we can agree on that.”
cultist 2: “uhhhhhhhhhh I disagree.”
Jason: “but we can agree that he was convicted.”
cultist 2: [shrugs]
these fucking people. you can’t fix them, or cure them, or help them in any way. they’re in a cult. all we can do is out-vote them.
tuesday: the counterfeit congresswoman
area trouser-snake charmer Handy Oakley won her election on Tuesday — ugh.
the voters of Colorado’s fourth district saw no problem with sending an amoral lap-hockey enthusiast back to Congress, where she will inflict her proudly-ignorant ass-hattery on the rest of us for at least another two years.
ugh.
at Handy’s victory party, reporters noted that she was wearing a pair of Donny Convict’s gaudy gold spray-painted sneakers — and the ninny cheerfully confessed that they were cheap counterfeit knock-offs.
“These are very China, but I’m okay with that,” she said, laughing. “If I could’ve bought the OGs, I would have.”
so what we have is a cheap imitation of a politician wearing a cheap imitation of ugly shoes hawked by a cheap imitation of a businessman — a perfect oroboros of stupid.
wednesday: shave and a con job, two bits
Rocky Jones is the owner of Rocky’s Barbershop in Atlanta. he was contacted by a friend who asked Rocky to host a roundtable for black businessmen.
absolutely, I’m in he replied. on the appointed date, black business owners from the area gathered at Rocky’s shop.
when Trump toadies Byron Donalds and Ben Carson — accompanied by a TV crew — showed up, everyone was what the fuck is going on — because here’s the part that no one told Rocky or his colleagues about: the event was actually a stealth Trump rally.
and sure enough, Donny himself phoned in.
look at the palpable excitement on everyone’s faces as Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants drones on about cutting taxes for the wealthy.
Donny also served up a big racist bowl of what the fuck — because of course he did. the blithering bigot can’t help himself.
“the mug shot. it’s really an amazing thing. since it happened, the support among the black community and the hispanic community has skyrocketed.”
the blacks, they love me because they’re all criminals, too.
as for Rocky Jones, he feels blindsided — and conned — because he’s having to field angry phone calls from neighborhood residents who now think he’s a Trump supporter.
thanks, Donny!
thursday: fake candidate particpates in fake debate
Bobby McBrainworms Junior is hella pissed because none of the big boys will let him play with them.
Wormy Bob was all come on guys, please let me be in the debate and CNN was all fuck off, no, you don’t matter.
so Junior took a meeting with his surviving brain worms and together they hatched a cunning plan: he did his own livestream on not-twitter where he had himself digitally inserted into the Biden/Trump debate and answered questions asked by libertarian goofball John Stossel.
about seven people watched as Bobby droned on about the evils of covid mandates.
guess what, Bobby. CNN was right: you’re irrelevant.
friday: fuck you very much
on Friday, the entire fucking op-ed page of The New York Times was a collective call for Joe Biden to drop out of the presidential race.
he’s so old. he’s out of it. and he smells bad, too.
the Times’ nepo-publisher AG Sulzburger is having the time of his life right now. still carrying a childish grudge because Joe won’t agree to the interview that Sulz feels is his birthright, he’s getting to wreak his revenge.
fuck you, New York Times.
this unproductive bed-wetting needs to come to an end right now.
Joe Biden isn’t going anywhere — and in case you missed it, he gave a barn-burner of a speech yesterday.
“I don’t walk as easily as I used to. I don’t speak as smoothly as I used to. I don’t debate as well as I used to, but I know what I do know. I know how to tell the truth. I know right from wrong. And I know how to get things done. When you get knocked down, you get back up.”
Little Donny Fuckface gave a speech yesterday, too — in which once again he yammered incoherently about batteries, sharks and Hannibal Lecter.
“silence of the lamb. the press always says ‘why does he ramble about silence—’ silence of the lamb, the late great Hannibal Lecter, he’d like to have you over for dinner. did you ever? don’t do it. if he suggests, I’d like to have you over for dinner, don’t go. but these are the people— these are the people who are coming into our country.”
what? is Donny saying that the “late, great” Hannibal Lecter is a migrant?
there’s a big fucking demento in the presidential race right now, and it’s not Joe Biden.
by the way, I don’t remember the Times calling for Trump to drop out after his conviction on 34 criminal counts.
nice double-standard you got there, New York Times. take a victory lap.
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
have a non-stupid weekend, everyone.
I'm sick and tired of everyone losing their shit and trying to replace Biden. He's fighting FOR us, not himself. Back him up, and work on getting those that didn't typically vote to go out and vote!
I was shocked, shocked that MSNBC took the bait and looked so forlorn. Get a backbone, you’re the only mainstream media I can rely on!