this week in stupid: February 14 edition
Bobby Brainworms hoovers it, Jesse Watters maneuvers it, and so much more...
folks, thank you once again for your condolences. I promise you that I am writing this post not out of a sense of obligation, but because writing is my self-care and this is how best I cope. — jeff t
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: fascist says what
folks, keep Fox News found object Jesse Watters in your thoughts and prayers. Jesse’s going through some things right now. seriously, what kind of world are we living in where a fucking fascist can’t walk down his own street without getting called out for being a fucking fascist?
Jesse Watters; “I was walking today, in my neighborhood, on my street. this car comes throttling down, and he looks me right in the eye — he was already angry — and he sees me, and I gave him a wave, ’cause he was a neighbor, I thought. and all of a sudden he passes me, screeches on the brakes, rolls down the window and says ‘F U, FASCIST!’ — in my neighborhood! and I’m thinking myself, how does— he doesn’t know that I’m a fascist.”
Jessica Tarlov: “yes he does. you’re on TV.”
now comes the part where we throw our heads back in laughter. ready?
folks, how fucking incredible was Jessica Tarlov’s response?
“yes he does. you’re on TV.”
perfect. no notes. ten out of ten. chef’s kisses forever, to infinity and beyond.
but let’s get real. here’s a pro tip for Jesse and his ilk: if you don’t want to be called out for being a fucking fascist every time you show your face in public, be less of a fucking fascist.
am I right, Obergruppenführer Greg Bovino?
damn straight. Gestapo Greg knows what I’m talking about.
tuesday: crackpot says what
there’s no question about it — when they hand out this year’s Nobel What The In The Actual Fuck Prize, Bobby Brainworms Jr is a lock to win it.
“I'm not scared of a germ. I used to snort cocaine off of toilet seats.”
oh my god. what in the hallowed name of Drug Abusing Jesus is going on? this unhinged lunatic is in charge of our entire nation’s healthcare infrastructure. we are so fucking fucked.
okay, whatever. we’ve all done stupid shit in our lives. you know what I used to do? I used to snort coke off the steering while of my car — while driving. but you don’t see me going on some dipshit’s podcast to brag about it — because IT WAS ONE OF THE STUPIDEST FUCKING THINGS I’VE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE. I could have killed myself, and taken other people with me.
free clue for Bobby Brainworms: doing a reckless thing and escaping consequences doesn’t prove that you have some amazing immunity to germs. what is means is you’re a very lucky — and very privileged — asshole.
now, for those of you keeping score at home, being coked out of your mind is okay if you’re a Republican.
but if your name is Hunter Biden, you should be persecuted for it for the rest of your life.
wednesday: piss-drunk embarrassment says what
on Wednesday morning, we all woke up to some pretty alarming news.
“NEW: All flights to and from El Paso airport in Texas halted for 10 days for ‘special security reasons,’ FAA says.”
and all of us looked at each other and went ‘holy shit! special security reasons? are we going to invade Mexico?
and then, just like that, the FAA was all ‘ha ha, just kidding!’
okay, what the fuck happened?
well, it turns out — long, very stupid story short — that the DOD panicked over what they thought was a drone attack from a Mexican drug cartel and ended up shooting at some overly frisky party balloons.
look, it’s a mistake anyone could have made. who among us hasn’t been fooled by a cartel drone? look how similar they are — we now take you live to a massive Mexican drone attack already in progress:
should we really be surprised that this kind of brain-dead shitwittery keeps occurring?
after all, the entire military is being run by a piss-drunk Secretary of Whatever the Fuck He’s Calling Himself Today who can’t even keep from mistakenly attacking his own two party balloons.
thursday: creepy incel says what
unfuckable Nazi Nick Fuentes seems nice.
“the number one political enemy is women. straight up, I’m telling it like it is. people might say it’s Jews, it’s Democrats, it’s white liberals, it’s leftists, it’s the Chinese. our number one political enemy is women. because woman constrain everything. every conversation, every man, everything. they have to be imprisoned. they are the ones that are hurting the fertility rate, they are the ones making us sympathetic to poor people — which are also brown people.”
wow. who even knew that all you ladies out there were that busy, constraining everything? I guess it’s true what they say about a woman’s work being never done.
friday: the further adventures of some fucking idiot
some fucking idiot started his Friday by endorsing his despot snugglebunny Viktor Orbán in his bid for reelection.
Orbán, of course, doesn’t need the fucking idiot’s endorsement — not when he rigs his own elections to stay in power, as he has been doing for the last sixteen years. but don’t try to explain that to the fucking idiot. he’s too busying knowing more about ‘searching the depths of legal arguments’ than all the depth-searching legal arguers.
pro tip: don’t hold your breath waiting for the fucking idiot to be ‘presenting an irrefutable legal argument in the very near future.’ WHAT THE FUCK DOES ANY OF THAT EVEN MEAN? the fucking idiot is more likely to present an overfull diaper in the very near future. search the depths of that, you incontinent bastard.
the fucking idiot then held a campaign rally at Fort Bragg, where he ordered soldiers to vote for Republicans.
this, of course, violates every Army policy under the sun, but look at me — once again trying to explain policy to a fucking idiot.
the fucking idiot spent some time bragging about his green-card Slovenian rent-a-wife — the one who married him for his money, recoils at his touch, never smiles in his presence, refuses to share his bed, and sits in her room, counting every second until she becomes a wealthy widow
apparently, according to the fucking idiot, the reason we don’t win wars anymore is because of all the woke.
the fucking idiot then reminded us that he got to design his very own Big Boy Battleship, all by himself.
as Jesus so sagely counseled us in his Sermon on the Mount, ‘blessed are the meme creators, for they shall win the internet.’
now, can someone even explain to me what the fuck the fucking idiot was gibbering about here?
what does that even mean, ‘helicopter platforms all the way down the line’? Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants is definitely a few sandwiches short of a fucking brain.
and despite all that dumbfuckery going on right in front of their noses, not one reporter stood up to ask ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’
how fucking idiotic is that?
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
do you have a nomination for This Week in Stupid? email me at jefftiedrich@gmail.com. thanks!
here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
friends, I just spent four hours distracting myself from reality. it's a good thing, I promise
oh and folks: don't do cocaine. it makes you do stupid shit