this week in stupid: August 30 edition
Bobby sees it, Hannity flees it, and so much more...
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: mitochondria is skin deep
you could livestream Bobby Brainworms’ entire life and call it Every Fucking Second In Stupid, because when it comes to the dead-bear-cub-kidnapping goonatic currently Making Polio Great Again, the batshittery never, ever ends.
but this week, researchers at the Centers for Dumbfuck Control were able to document the moment of Peak Brainworms Stupid, because — oh, joy of joys! — he’s learned a new word.
“I’m looking at kids as I walk through the airports today ... and I see these kids that are just overburdened with mitochondrial challenges, inflammation — you can tell from their faces, movements, and lack of social connection.”
oh, how awesome. Bobby Brainworms has mitochondria-ray vision — and while he’s hurrying through Terminal B, trying to catch his connecting flight to Cloud Cuckoo Land, he’s peering through the skulls of every passing child, magically diagnosing all the pernicious shit going on in there.
and you thought kidnapping a dead bear cub and dumping it in Central Park was weird.
as Jesus wisely counseled us in his Sermon on the Mount, ‘blessed are the meme-sters, for they shall win the internet.’
he also said, blessed are the foreign press, for they will say the things that our own worthless scribblers are afraid to.
and lastly, above all, blessed are the scientists, because — unlike Whale-Chainsawin’ Bobby — they actually know what the fuck they’re talking about.
“Scientist here. Mitochondria do not present challenges to faces, movements, or social connections. Maybe those kids just don’t like you because you’re staring at them like a creep who wants to give them measles.”
’nuff said.
tuesday: such a fine whine
this week, Republicans completely lost their shit after schoolchildren were gunned down while praying. enough is enough, they finally said. it’s time for real, actual— [taps earpiece] hang on, I’m being told that no, it wasn’t dead kids that got Republicans all riled up. what the worst fucking people in the world were actually losing their shit over was a restaurant changing its logo.
of course, no manufactroversy would be complete without Fox News found object Jesse Watters — the Clown Prince of Moron — taking the bellyaching to its most ridiculous end: why, Jesse demands to know, does anything have to change?
“if we had just put our foot down, think about what we could’ve saved: Aunt Jemima, the Indian lady on the Land O’Lakes Butter. look what they took from us. if we had put our foot down in the 80s, we’d still be smoking on planes.”
bro, what the fuck are you blithering about? who is this “we” who should have put their foot down? you were ten years old in 1988, when smoking was banned on airplanes. do you really have fond memories of marinating in cancerfumes at thirty thousand feet, while Bobby Brainworms glared at you from across the aisle with his mitochondria-ray vision?
“look what they took from you”? how empty a life does one have to have to get this worked up because you can’t do a racism on packaging any more?
hey, Jesse — here’s something you can add to your ‘rules for men’: shut the fuck up.
wednesday: buh-bye, Sean
pour one out for the Fox News Plankhead of the Airwaves. he’s been going through a rough time.
Hannity: “I left New York. you know why I left New York? … I had a hard time going to a restaurant in New York City because people would stare at me and hated me and had daggers in their eyes. I don’t know why New Yorkers are so intolerant.”
give it up for us New Yorkers — we ran Plankhead out of town!
seriously, Sean? you booked it out of New York because people were mean to you?
the crust of this guy. he goes out of his way to make himself as hateful as possible, and then when people are rightfully bugged by his presence, he’s all huh, what? what did I do?
don’t you just love how incredibly fragile conservative bros are? they’re always talking tough, doling out nonesensical ‘rules for men,’ and posting videos of themselves doing all the pushups, but they second someone two tables over give them the stink-eye, these snowflakes are all I’m outta here.
yeah, well fuckity-bye, Sean. good riddance.
thursday: ask Mark no questions
here another wingnut who needs to have one poured out in their name. Pennsylvania [edit] MISSOURI Rep Mark Alford’s been doing town halls all this week, and things just haven’t been going all that swimmingly. everywhere he’s gone, he’s been shouted down, laughed at, and yelled at by pissed-off constitutents.
first there was the guy who told him to take his head out of Donny Convict’s ass. next, Mark got drowned out by laughter when he claimed that Donny has the best interests of America in his heart.
by the time Mark got to Harrisburg, he was so rattled that he accidentally committed an honesty.
“If you didn’t want to hear my lies, why did you come here?”
holy shit, that’s a good question.
friday: you put your left foot in
a couple of weeks ago, Florida Representative Ann Appalling Lunatic set the world on fire when she let slip the fact that our government has been hiding proof of the existence of interdimensional beings. that’s right: spooky visitors from who the fuck knows where, popping in and our of our own frame of reality.
but who are these interdimensional beings? and what do they want of us? well, here comes christofascist radio blatherer Eric Metaxas and his guest, the woo-woo goofus L. A. Marzulli, to shed a little light. you’ll never guess who these dimension-hopping homeboys are, but here’s a clue: they have feet, and they’re big.
Eric Metaxas: “what about Bigfoot?”
L. A. Marzulli: “Bigfoot is a modern-day Nephilim, in my opinion. it’s like the days of Noah. why should that surprise us?”
Metaxas: “but the simplest problem that exists with Bigfoot is, why can’t we catch one? why can’t we find the bones of one?”
Marzulli: “because they pop in and they pop out. how do I know that? because I’ve been talking to too many people. they’re here, and then they— I have a picture from the late Scott Carpenter — and I believe they killed him, but that’s another story. he got too close. they killed him. Bigfoot killed him.”
Metaxas: “you’re saying that they are interdimensional.”
Marzulli: “they have the ability to pop in and pop out.”
got that? Bigfoot pops in and pops out. holy shit, they’re doing the Interdimensional Hokey Pokey and they’re turning themselves around.
because that’s what it’s all about.
but you know what? if these two dudes want to yammer about the multidimensional monsters who killed their friend because he knew too much, I say go for it.
it’s so much more benign than hallucinating mitochondria in airports, or bellyaching because people were mean to you in a restaurant, or whining about corporate logos, or boo-hoo-hooing because no one wants to listen to your lies.
carry on, my wayward sons. don’t let us interrupt you.
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
do you have a nomination for This Week in Stupid? email me at jefftiedrich@gmail.com. thanks!
here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
824 / 913
Ms Spouse says Hannity looks like someone put a canned ham atop a pair of shoulders
oh, and sorry to disappoint the hopeful, but Donny's been photographed on the golf course this morning