the $90 turkey and other fucked-up Fox News fairy tales

and now Thanksgiving is ruined for everyone

gather ’round, children. Uncle Jeff has a heartwarming Thanksgiving story to tell you.

there’s a very bad man in America. his name is Sleepy Joe Biden.

Sleepy Joe Biden hates America. he hates the flag. he hates your mommy and daddy and he hates you.

Sleepy Joe Biden is in charge of what things cost, and he goes around raising the price of everything, just to be mean.

this fucking guy — oh, sorry, children, Uncle Jeff got a little too worked up there — this awful guy, do you know what he did?

he went into every store in America with his magic price sticker thingy and made it so that turkey cost a milliontyskillion dollars. that’s how much he hates your mommy and daddy.

then he went home and laughed himself to sleep.

and now Thanksgiving is ruined for everyone.

no, seriously, this is the latest pile of bullshit being peddled by Fox News.

here’s inexplicably-employed Jason Chaffetz, the mediocre former Utah Rep. who somehow failed upwards and is now a Fox bloviator:

“we went to go buy a turkey today. it was ninety dollars — for a turkey! … it’s all a choice by Joe Biden.”

ninety dollars? holy shit! Martha, get the torches and the pitchforks, we’re heading to Washington, DC.

like all Fox News lies, this one was easily swatted down.

“Chaffetz lives in Alpine, Utah. This is the cost at his local grocery store. (I did the research. I’m petty like that.) Dude could get a turkey *delivered* for $30.”

now here’s a fun fact that Fox isn’t telling its viewers: your Thanksgiving meal will actually be cheaper this year:

A Thanksgiving dinner this year will gobble up less of your wallet, thanks in large part to lower turkey prices. According to the American Farm Bureau Federation, the average cost of a dinner for 10 people will be $61.17, down 4.5% from last year’s record of $64.05.

The findings come from a survey conducted Nov. 1 to 6, with the agricultural advocacy group’s members checking prices at grocery stores in the 50 states and Puerto Rico.

Almost everything on the Thanksgiving menu is lower – prices for cranberries have dropped 18%. But the main reason for the decrease is due to the star of the show — the turkey. This year, a 16-pound turkey is averaging $27.35, down 5.6% from a year ago.

that’s right, prices are down — and not just for your Thanksgiving meal.

Indeed, prices are dropping, in some cases tremendously. The price of eggs is down 22%, TVs down 9.4%, butter is down 3.7%.

even the price of gas is down.

Just in time for the Thanksgiving holiday travel rush, gas prices are tumbling fast.

The national average price of regular gasoline is down by 55 cents a gallon over the past two months to $3.33, according to AAA. This exceeds the typical seasonal drop in gas prices during the fall and leaves the national average at a 10-month low.

oh gee, a ten-month low. is that good or bad?

you won’t be hearing about any of this on Fox. it goes against their whole LiFe iN JoE BiDeN’s DyStOpiAn HeLLsCaPe narrative. you can’t keep the rubes up in arms by telling them the truth.

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this whole “look how expensive, thanks Joe Biden” thing is a game the right wing dipshits have been playing since forever.

remember this fun little escapade?

that was ossified New York Times columnist David Brooks back in September, treating himself to a glass of top-shelf single malt and trying to pretend it was the burger’s fault his meal cost $78.

everyone had a great time dunking on Brooks for being such an obvious clownshoes buffoon — even the venue where Brooks ate got in on the act.

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meanwhile, Fox is pissing all over its audience’s head and telling them it’s raining.

so now, at Thanksgiving tomorrow, your drunk racist uncle will point at the turkey and make some dumb-ass crack about how much it cost.

never mind that he’s a fucking idiot who never bought or cooked a turkey in his life — that won’t stop him from making a fool out of himself and irritating the shit out of everyone at the table.

thanks, Fox News.