states of emergency and other dipshit wingnut reactions to today’s eclipse

just another day in stupidville

every now and then Sarah Huckabee Sanders does something idiotic enough to make the news — and all of a sudden you’re reminded that holy shit, this low-wattage underachiever who spent three years lying for a fascist sack of shit is actually the Governor of Arkansas. what the fuck, voters? how on God’s green earth could you have allowed this to happen? were you drunk last election day?

check out this tasty slice of prime fucknuttery:

Gov. Sanders declares state of emergency ahead of eclipse

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. (KNWA/KFTA) — Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders declared a state of emergency on Friday ahead of the solar eclipse, according to a news release.

Sanders said in the release that she released funds from the Response and Recovery Fund to help commercial carriers transport essentials to customers in the state during the eclipse.

The essential items listed in the order include groceries, pharmacy items, medical equipment, goods, commodities, fuel, poultry, livestock and feed.

why, Sarah? the totality of the eclipse will be about 4 minutes. what do you expect is going to happen?

what “essentials” will need to be transported during 240 seconds of darkness?

quick! we have a poultry emergency in Little Rock! the chickens think it’s night and fell asleep! send out the commercial carriers! alert the — oh wait, the sun’s already coming back out.

Sarah, I hope you’re sitting down right now. I don’t know how to break this to you, but it gets dark every night — for hours on end. and somehow, inexplicably, civilization manages to emerge intact every morning.

did I just blow your mind?

was there no one on your staff to take you aside and point out how insane this is?

oh, and Sarah — who dresses you?

are you auditioning for a community theater production of Annie Get Your Gun?

The order will allocate $100,000 from the fund to address program and administrative costs and will be managed by the director of the Arkansas Division of Emergency Management..

The state emergency will remain in effect until April 10.

April 10! this state of emergency for a 4-minute eclipse this afternoon will last until Wednesday — and will cost the state a cool hundred grand. it’s the biggest waste of Arkansas’ money since Sarah spent $19k on a podium as a political favor to a crony.

of course, the clownfuckery wasn’t happening only in the Arkansas Statehouse.

Congresswoman Sporkfoot has been thoroughly dragged by the entire internet for interpreting a regularly-occurring, predictable astronomical event as a vengeful act of a wrathful god.

“God is sending America strong signs to tell us to repent. Earthquakes and eclipses and many more things to come. I pray that our country listens.”

and hey look! Three Toes’ new boyfriend is every bit the raving fuckstick that she is.

“this might be the last normal weekend that we have for quite some time. I mean we have this solar eclipse on Monday, this very rare solar eclipse. who knows what the fallout from that will be. plus, that will be combined with several earthquakes — we’ve already seen a few already. and why not sprinkle in this infestation of locusts that have been dormant for years, and all of a sudden will attack mankind. so why not — oh! and throw in Joe Biden trying to get into a war with Iran for whatever reason he wants to do that. so on that note, have a great weekend. we’ll see you next week, or maybe not.”

ohhhkay.

mad props to the twitterer who commented “Greene’s boyfriend looks like he’s been stung in the face by every bee.”

Spork Toes and Bee Face are made for each other, don’t you think? their pillow talk must be wall-to-wall world-class batshittery.

the god-botherers are promising a rapture.

can we please please PLEASE have a real rapture already? how fucking cool would it be if all these tiresome scolds got Jesus-hoovered up to Heaven for good, and gave the rest of us some peace and quiet.

Alex Jones and his ilk have been predictably gibbering like manics about the eclipse for weeks now.

“Major Events Surrounding The April 8th Solar Eclipse
Masonic rituals planned worldwide to usher in New World Order”

of course, everything with Alex is a shameless grift — click through to his website and you’re neck-deep in a pitch for freeze-dried survivalist food — because who knows, you might get hungry during the 4 minutes of totality.

also, eclipses are a smokescreen for government chicanery, because of course they are.

BREAKING: NASA is firing 3 "Sounding Rockets" on April 8 Eclipse path, names it Project APEP or APOPHIS named after the Serpent Deity of Chaos, Death, and Disorder.
This campaign is named Apophis after the cosmic world serpent from ancient Egyptian cosmology. The serpent pursues the sun god Ra, and every so often, nearly consumes the sun disc, resulting in an eclipse.
This first round of Apophis launches occurred during the Annular Solar Eclipse on October 14, 2023 from White Sands Missile Range, NM. A second round is scheduled for the Total Eclipse on April 8, 2024 from Wallops Island, VA.
There will be rituals performed during the April 8th Eclipse. Masonic, Satanic, Esoteric, Gnostic, Brotherhood of the Snake and other occult-like groups will be performing.

we know this dude’s warning is credible, because he pays the Space Nazi eight bucks for a blue check.

now let’s take a moment to remember when the stupidest fucking moron in the universe stared directly into an eclipse.

have a safe one today, folks. watch out for Masonic rituals and hungry locusts — and please, don’t get raptured.

folks, a word on a different subject before I let you go: we’re doing some quarterly fundraising at my other venture, The Smirking Chimp. I’m leery of even mentioning it because if you’re one of the people paying to support my own writing here, you’re already doing god’s work and you’re already doing more than enough to help out. but if you’ve got five dollars that you absolutely wouldn’t miss and you do feel like supporting the Chimp, well, that just makes you twice the hero. the donation link is here, or you can go straight to paypal if you need no further convincing. and if you don’t care to donate, that’s totally cool, too, and we will not speak of this again. in fact, we never had this conversation. thanks for listening and that’s it from me for now.