shh! don’t wake the elderly golfer. his own press conferences put him to sleep.

scenes from another batshit presser

hey, remember those super-fun days of the summer of 2024, when Donny Not-Yet-A-Convict was on trial for having cooked the books to make hush-money payments to a porn star look like a legit campaign expense?

remember what would happen every morning? Donny would take his seat at the defendant’s table. he’d glower at the press, then immediately close his weary eyes and begin snoring, as he filled the courtroom with the pungent aroma of narcoleptic farts.

well, guess what: Dozy Don is back, baby.

yesterday, Donny dragged his healthcare lack-of-a-braintrust — Bobby Brainworms and the Shitblizzard of Oz — down to the Oval Office, to announce that they had an agreement for the premise of a framework of a concept for a sketch of a plan to lower the cost of fertility drugs.

tell me, is Donny’s fuckwittery contagious? it’s a legit question. neither Oz nor Brainworms ever had much of a grip on sanity, but the more time they spend with Dear Leader, the more incoherent they seem to get.

“you’ll notice, these are discounted from $242 to $10. I don’t know what the math is on that. we can’t even calculate it. it’s a lot. it’s too high to calculate without a more studied approach.”

it’s a number like no one’s ever seen before. a number like no one thought possible. big, strong mathematicians, tears in the eyes, are going up to Oz and saying ‘sir! sir! how do you even calculate a number that high? we give up, sir!’

clearly, we’re going to need a more studied approach.

okay, listen. this is going to sound crazy, but hear me out. what if we used a calculator app, like the one on my phone? hang on a second —

fact check: it’s a 96% discount.

not to brag or anything, but I’ve just single-handedly solved one of the most complex math problems of our time. where’s my Nobel Prize?

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while Oz was shitblizzarding, Preznit Fuckwit did what he does best. he closed his tired eyes and and drifted off to slumberland.

so, for those of you keeping score at home, Donny has now nodded off during

— his own criminal trial
— numerous campaign events
— a tech bro roundtable
— the pope’s funeral

— his own cabinet meetings
— at the US Open tennis tournament
— a White House roundtable with MAGA influencers
— and now, his own press conference.

so, what the fuck is up with all this daytime sleepfartery?

for the answer, let’s turn to Dr. John Gartner, who spent 28 years as a professor of psychiatry at Johns Hopkins University Medical School. according to the doctor, uncontrollably falling asleep in public is often an indicator of a condition known as being demented as fuck.

here’s a thing Dr. Gartner said when Donny was on trial last year.

“To uncontrollably fall asleep during the day is something that’s very common among patients with dementia.”

A defendant falling asleep in court is “literally so uncommon, it’s basically unheard of.” Gartner said he’s spoken with several lawyer friends who each told him that they’ve never seen a defendant falling asleep in court during their entire careers.

oh. huh. weird how Donny’s handlers keep telling us he’s in perfect physical and mental condition — despite his incoherence, cankles, rotting hand, narcolepsy, and propensity for disappearing from public view for a week at a time.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but for the last couple of months, there’s been a pattern to President Pudding Cup’s behavior.

there will be a couple of weeks where he seems to be deteriorating before our eyes, growing ever more haggard and incoherent with each passing day. then he’ll disappear from public view for about a week, after which he’ll reappear in public, seemingly reinvigorated, while being careful to hide his heavily-bruised hand. then, he’ll go back to publicly declining.

we’re about two weeks into the latest cycle. if I’m right about this, Donny’s due to disappear from public view in a week or so.

what the fuck are they not telling us? what could they be doing to Donny while he’s hiding from the public?

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let’s get back to OZ, because he isn’t finished shitblizzarding.

“now I know what you’re all thinking, and you’re probably right — there are going to be a lot of Trump babies. I think that’s probably a good thing. but it turns out, the fundamental greater force in society is about making babies.”

sorry, Oz, but one Trump baby on this planet is way more than enough.

seriously, though — when these shitweasels start flapping their gums about ‘Trump babies’ and how women should be breeding for the greater good of America, we should all be alarmed.

‘the fundamental greater force in society is about making babies’ — it’s like those words want to leap off the page and form a swastika. because you know who else told women their primary role was ‘baby factory’? of course you do.

By 1936, 18-year-old Hildegard Koch had reached a crossroads in her young life as she finished her schooling. Her leader in the local Bund Deutscher Mädel (the League of German Girls), gave her some advice: “If you don’t know what to do, why not give the Führer a child? What Germany needs more than anything is racially valuable stock.”

isn’t is weird how everything the ‘How Dare You Call Us Nazis’ crowd does is exactly what the Nazis did?

hang on, it’s Bobby Brainworms’ turn to speak.

“today the average teenager in this country has 50% of the sperm count, 50% of the testosterone of a 65 year old man. our girls are hitting puberty 6 years early, and that’s bad but also, our parents aren’t having children.”

Bobby here is using a clever rhetorical device known as making shit up. this ignorant crackpottery about sperm counts and testosterone has no basis in fact.

RFK Jr.’s specific claims are scientifically shaky. For one, it is biologically implausible that teen boys have lower testosterone than 68-year-olds.

The premise that a teen boy’s sperm count is half that of a senior citizen is not supported by any published research.

now let’s explore Bobby’s next claim. it sounds outlandish, that our parents aren’t having children, but I did a fact check — and holy shit, it’s true!

let’s look at my own parents. they haven’t pumped out a child in 66 years. what the fuck kind of patriotism is that? the fact that my father passed away nine years ago and my mother is 92 years old should be no excuse. get busy, people!

but you know who else was obsessed with sperm counts and birth rates, don’t you?

In 1933, the year Hitler and the Nazis came to power, the birth rate in Germany was 14.7 per 1,000 people. This was less than half what it had been at the turn of the century. Additionally, there were hundreds of thousands of abortions performed in Germany every year. These two practices alarmed the Nazi regime. The Nazis needed children if they were to accomplish the two goals of Nazi ideology: conquer territory in the East and establish Aryan supremacy over Europe. Healthy young boys were needed to grow up to be soldiers in the German Army. Healthy young girls were needed to grow up and give birth to the next generation of super soldiers.

Bobby Brainworm’s obsession with eugenics is well known, as is Donny’s belief in the ‘race-horse’ theory of genetics (spoiler alert: immigrants don’t have the ‘good genes’ that Donny does, and that’s why they suck).

everything these fuckers do — purge the civil service, demonize marginalized groups, disappear people into concentration camps, put soldiers on the streets, cast baby-making as patriotic — we fought a whole war against, eighty years ago. and now we have to go through this shit all over again.

but don’t you dare call them Nazis.

not even when they come out and admit it.

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speaking of the ‘How Dare You Call Us Nazis’ crowd, Karoline Leavitt is cordially invited to fuck all the way off.

“the Democrat Party’s main constituency are made up of Hamas terrorists, illegal aliens, and violent criminals.”

oh, okay. thanks for explaining it, Karoline.

after the murder of misshapen garden gnome Charlie Kirk, every Republican and every pundit fell all the fuck over themselves in a mad dash to proclaim this was the left’s fault.

a thousand worthless scribblers rose up to publish think pieces in which they lectured the left. ‘you did this. you called them Nazis. what did you think would happen?’

meanwhile, Republicans like Leavitt get to gleefully fart out the most vile accusations, inciting violence, and not one pundit can be roused from their slumbers to notice. tell me, where are the thousand think pieces, telling MAGA to tone down their rhetoric?

why do these shitweasels get a free pass?

see you all at No Kings tomorrow. let’s show the world just how much we loathe this shit.

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here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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