think back to those super-fun days of last summer, when Donny Not-Yet-A-Convict was on trial for having cooked the books to make hush-money payments to a porn star look like legit campaign expenses.
remember what would happen every morning? Donny would take his seat at the defendant’s table. he’d glower at the press, then immediately close his weary eyes and begin snoring, as he filled the courtroom with the pungent aroma of narcoleptic farts.
well, guess what: Sleepy Don is back, baby.
there’s a book I’d like to recommend to Donny. it’s called The Art Of How About Not Falling Asleep At A Funeral, You Stupid Fuck — because Sundowning Grandpa Fascistpants gone and done it again. right in the middle of Pope Francis’ funeral, the deteriorating dumbshit once again closed his peepers and started sawing logs.
who does that?
spoiler alert: nobody. no one else among the assembled mourners felt the need to drift off to beddy-bye land and let rip some aromatic ass-music.
not even Joe Biden — the guy everyone said was too old to president.
let’s compare and contrast the dude America kicked to the curb with the one they elected to replace him.
oh good fucking lord. try not to drool on yourself, grandpa.
hey Donny — remember how you never shut the fuck up about Sleepy Joe this and Sleepy Joe that? well, who’s the sleepy one now, you barely-conscious old coot?
hey, did you notice anything else about Donny?
that’s right, in a sea of somber black and dark grey — the dress code dictated by the Vatican, by the way — Donny’s decked himself out in one of his hideous blue suits.
President Trump, it seems, is fully committed to going his own way when it comes to international relations — even during the funeral of a pope.
nice framing, New York Times. they want their readers to know that Donny isn’t dressed like a sore thumb because he’s a belligerent asshole who does whatever the fuck he wants. oh, no, Donny’s a rugged individualist. a rebel outlaw. President Hombre doesn’t play by your rules, squares. he’s “fully committed to going his own way.”
did Donny falling asleep get a mention in the press? I haven’t seen one yet.
imagine if President Biden had fallen asleep while representing America at a state funeral. the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled media would have had a fucking field day, and turned it into a weeks-long scandal.
but Donny, open-mouthed and snoring up a storm? crickets.
check out the warm handshake Macron gives Zelenskyy. it’s not a perfunctory ‘good to see you again’ shake. it’s a hearty, extended ‘we’re brothers’ handshake.
now here comes Donny for his handshake — and he doesn’t get one. Macron ignores Donny’s outstretched hand — because fuck you, that’s why.
let’s gif that shit for posterity.
sorry, Donny. no one respects the rodeo clown.
Macron was surely tired of that asinine Battle of the Alpha Bros handshake that Donny tries to pull on him every time they meet. you know the one: if you go to shake Donny’s hand, he’s going grab yours and roughly jerk it towards him, in an attempt to get you to stumble and fall. it’s a childish I’m the dominant dog thing.
Donny got away with that shit during his first term, but now everyone knows it’s coming, and prepares for it — and no one more so than Macron. now, every time they meet, Macron grabs Donny’s hand and does not let go.
no one’s putting up with that shit any more, Donny. everyone’s hip to your infantile dumb-assery. it’s a wise old saying: ‘fool me once, shame on me, and also, you’re a tiresome asshole. stop playing silly dominance games, you broken-inside child.’
good going, Donny — you’ve turned yourself — and America — into an international pariah.
(yes, I know — Donny and Manny eventually shook hands later that day, during a ceremony called the Sign of Peace, where everybody shakes the hand of the person next to them. Macron couldn’t opt out of that one.)
let’s talk a walk down memory lane, and revisit a few of Sleepy Don’s greatest hits.
Dr. John Gartner, who spent 28 years as a professor of psychiatry at Johns Hopkins University Medical School, has an explanation:
“To uncontrollably fall asleep during the day is something that’s very common among patients with dementia.”
A defendant falling asleep in court is “literally so uncommon, it’s basically unheard of.” Gartner said he’s spoken with several lawyer friends who each told him that they’ve never seen a defendant falling asleep in court during their entire careers.
Donny’s handlers had a ready-made excuse for this one: he’s “exhausted.”
Why does this keep happening? Another outlet was recently given an explanation by Trump’s team for why their own interview wasn’t coming to fruition: exhaustion.
that’s so sad. but also it’s a stunning admission from Team Trump, less than three weeks from the election.sorry, our guy is pooped. can you imagine the media feeding frenzy that would result if Kamala bailed on an interview, and then her people explained it was because she had to go nappy-nap?
hey, can someone get grandpa here a bowl of applesauce and then take him to bed? the poor old guy is plumb tuckered out. he just can’t hack the rigors of campaigning any more. I mean, look at this dilapidated old dipshit.
my god. why is Team Trump torturing this tired old duffer? at this point, putting Donny on a stage night after night is elder abuse. what he needs is a mug of Ovaltine and his favorite blankie, not a microphone and a podium.
Donny wasn’t up to the rigors of campaigning last October, and he’s not up to the rigors of being president right now.
I don’t even know where this one is from, but my god — Donny’s Slovenian trophy wife sure hates his fucking guts.
here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
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true story: one of my uncles wore a powder-blue leisure suit to my grandmother's funeral, and my mother — who competes in grudge-carrying on an olympic level — got back at him by wearing bermuda shorts to his funeral
true story: one of my uncles wore a powder-blue leisure suit to my grandmother's funeral, and my mother — who competes in grudge-carrying on an olympic level — got back at him by wearing bermuda shorts to his funeral
here's how you can tell when it's a slow news day: I write 1,238 words about an old man falling asleep in public