shh! don’t wake the elderly golfer. he’s too exhausted to campaign

also: hey, have you heard about Arnold’s palmer?

shh! the Very Special Boy is a very sleepy baby.

remember last summer? remember what would happen every morning, after Donny would take his seat at the defendant’s table during his Big New York Election Fraud Fuckery Trial?

he’d glower at the press, and then immediately close his weary eyes and begin snoring, as he filled the courtroom with the pungent aroma of narcoleptic farts.

well, Sleepy Donny is back.

that’s Donny, at a campaign roundtable event in Michigan last Friday. the worn-out old fuck can’t even keep his eyes open for longer than a few seconds as he nods off.

what’s Donny’s issue? well, according to his handlers, the 78-year-old dotard is “exhausted.”

Recently, it’s become something of a pattern: Donald Trump is scheduled for an interview with a neutral media outlet, the date nears and then … things fall apart.

It happened just this week to planned Trump sit-downs with NBC in Philadelphia and CNBC’s “Squawk Box” — and that’s on the heels of him backing out of a “60 Minutes” episode earlier this month.

Why does this keep happening? Another outlet was recently given an explanation by Trump’s team for why their own interview wasn’t coming to fruition: exhaustion.

that’s so sad. but also it’s a stunning admission from Team Trump, less than three weeks from the election. sorry, our guy is pooped. can you imagine the media feeding frenzy that would result if Kamala bailed on an interview, and then her people explained it was because she had to go nappy-nap?

hey, can someone get grandpa here a bowl of applesauce and then take him to bed? the poor old guy is plumb tuckered out. he just can’t hack the rigors of campaigning any more. I mean, look at this dilapidated old dipshit.

my god. why is Team Trump torturing this tired old duffer? at this point, putting Donny on a stage night after night is elder abuse. what he needs is a mug of Ovaltine and his favorite blankie, not a microphone and a podium.

you know who’s watching Donny deteriorate in real-time and pissing himself with glee? Donny’s running mate, Couchfuck McGee, that’s who — and not just Couchfuck, but also Peter Thiel and the Space Nazi. these vile mofos have a plan.

Donny wants to be a Day One Dictator, but that’s unlikely to happen — not at his current rate of physical and mental decline. Donny’s going to be a Day One Guess Who Got 25th Amendmented While Sleep-Farting During His Inaugural Ball. and then Project 2025 — as well as Thiel and the Space Nazi’s own creepy vision of a tech-bro crypto utopia — will be implemented by someone every bit as evil as Donny, but with a functioning brain.

---

yesterday, they pumped Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants full of enough Adderall to get him through a hate-rally in Latrobe, PA.

you have to wonder if Team Trump is second-guessing themselves this morning, because what the crowd of cultists got from Donny was a reverie on Arnold Palmer’s apparently ginormous trouser trout.

“Arnold Palmer was all man. and I say that in all due respect to women, and I love women. but this guy, this guy, this is a guy that was all man. this man was strong and tough — and I refuse to say it, when he took showers with the other pros, they came out of there, they said ‘oh my god, that’s unbelievable.’ heh heh, I had to say it.”

who knew that Arnie was packing his own personal 9-iron down there? Peeping Donny, evidently. I guess the vulgar degenerate who liked to walk in on half-naked teenage Miss USA contestants as they were dressing was also doing double-duty in men’s shower rooms.

so now we know more about Arnold Palmer’s dick than we do about Donny’s medical records, which he still refuses to release.

Arnie, to his credit, fucking loathed Donny.

“My dad didn’t like people who act like they’re better than other people. He had no patience for people who are dishonest and cheat. My dad was disciplined. He wanted to be a good role model. He was appalled by Trump’s lack of civility and what he began to see as Trump’s lack of character.

One moment stood out in her mind from the 2016 campaign, when Mr. Palmer saw Mr. Trump on television: “My dad made a sound of disgust — like ‘uck’ or ‘ugg’ — like he couldn’t believe the arrogance and crudeness of this man who was the nominee of the political party that he believed in,” she recalled. “Then he said, ‘He’s not as smart as we thought he was.’”

now this is awesome: as Donny continued to drone on about Arnold’s one-eyed pocket monster, Fox News cut away.

can we give a standing ovation to the Associated Press? because they earned it with this headline and photo.

nice stubby fingers you’ve got there, Donny.

now contrast that to how The New York Times’ reporter-on-the-scene sanewashed the shit out of it.

ohhh, golf stories.

happily, enough people on social media yelled at the Times that they finally got their reporting straight.

Former President Donald J. Trump on Saturday spewed crude and vulgar remarks at a rally in Pennsylvania that included an off-color remark about a famous golfer’s penis size and a coarse insult about Vice President Kamala Harris.

wait, a “coarse insult” about Kamala?

oh yeah, Donny went there.

“you have to tell Kamala Harris that you’ve had enough, that you just can’t take it any more. we can’t stand you. you’re a shit vice president.”

hey Donny, do you kiss the daughter you’re hot to quote-unquote “date” with that mouth?

Alexa, what’s a sign that a person might be suffering from frontotemporal dementia?

Damage to the front under-surface is linked to losing inhibitions, meaning the person might make inappropriate comments, for example.

oh, really. huh.

by the way, you have to fucking love the ads for scams that run on Newsmax alongside coverage of Donny’s hate-rallies. just send a text and get “up to” fifteen thou in precious metals. yeah, sure. hang on, just let me give you my bank routing information.

“up to” is doing a lot of heavy lifting in that ad. it’s true, though: zero is technically a number that’s “up to” fifteen thousand.

meanwhile, the Harris/Walz campaign continues to be awesomely stellar at their job.

Trump's Pennsylvania Closing Argument Is Literal Junk

In a Pennsylvania rally speech his campaign team billed as “the beginning of his closing argument in the final stretch,” Donald Trump focused on the issue most important to voters in this election: a deceased golfer’s ... anatomy.

it’s sixteen days to the election. I keep telling you it’s only going to get weirder from here on in, and events keep proving me right.