penguins can’t wait to make 200 trade deals with President Stumblefuck

and Chuck Schumer writes a strongly-worded letter

last week, the dumbest president ever blithered his way through an interview with Time Magazine. was it a clownfucktacular shit-show? of course it was. every grudge, grievance and fever-swamp hallucination all came oozing right out of Donny’s rancid anus-mouth.

‘I won the 2020 election President Xi loves me we talk all the time Canada is going to be the 51st state I won’t cut medicare you can trust me on that I’m running for a third term Ukraine was wrong to invade Russia the price of eggs is down the price of gas is down my tariffs are already bringing in billion of dollars we’re going to have so much money I’ve already made 200 trade deals—’

wait — slow the fuck down, Donny. what was that last bit?

The United States has already struck 200 trade deals, President Donald Trump said in an interview this week — but he refused to say with whom.

“I’ve made 200 deals,” Trump told Time Magazine in a wide-ranging interview published Friday, “100%.”

now, hold on there for just one minute, Donny. how the fuck can you cut 200 trade deals in a world where there are only 195 countries?

that was the question that Martha Radditz had for Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent when he appeared on ABC’s This Week: numbers, how does they work?

Martha Raddatz: “the Time interview with President Trump. he says that he has made ‘two hundred deals’ on tariffs. two hundred deals? who has he made deals with? is there actually any deal at this point?”

Scott Bessent: “I believe that he is referring to subdeals within the negotiations we’re doing.”

for fuck’s sake, subdeals isn’t even a word. Bessent just made that shit up on the spot. google it and you get a page of ads for sub sandwiches.

look, Scotty — I get it. you’re Donny’s guy, and you can’t just come out and admit that he’s a lying old fuckwad who pulled the first number he thought of out of his ass. but please, don’t insult our intelligence by mouthfarting twaddle about subdeals.

just say something like ‘of course there aren’t 200 nations, Martha. Dear Leader was speaking metaphorically — that’s how excited he is to be Make America Great Again.’

see how easy that was? if I can do it, so can you.

but no, Scott wants you to believe that Donny is art-of-the-dealing at such a masterly level that he’s making deals within deals within deals. how does that work? is he going up to every one of those penguins on Heard and McBride Islands and negotiating individual deals with each?

“look Opus. see Chilly Willy over there? he just agreed to a 10% tariff on krill. I’ll bet you can do better on that.”

(fun professional writer fact: did you know there’s a Wikipedia page called ‘list of fictional penguin names’ that I just consulted for this post? you do now. you’re welcome.)

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remember during Donny’s first go-round as Moron-in-Chief, when everything was always two weeks away from being ready? hey, Donny — when’s your health care plan going to be finished? in two weeks. how about your infrastructure plan? two weeks.

well, Donny Two-Weeks is baaaack. hey, Donny — when do you think you’ll finish brokering that peace deal between Russia and Ukraine?

reporter: “you keep saying two weeks about President Putin. what is two weeks? give us the actual date. what is the timeline?”

Donny: “two weeks or less, and if it’s a little more, at the time I said. you know they’re losing a lot of people.”

thanks for clarifying that, President Numb-Nuts. words, how do they work? Donny’s answer is not even a sentence. it’s pure gibberish.

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meanwhile, there are hopeful signs everywhere that defiance to Donny’s fucked-up brand of fascism is building. universities are finally figuring it out, that they don’t have to meekly fold every time Donny threatens them.

After weeks of witnessing the administration freeze billions in federal funding, demand changes to policies and begin investigations, a broad coalition of university leaders publicly opposing those moves is taking root. The most visible evidence yet was a statement last week signed by more than 400 campus leaders opposing what they saw as the administration’s assault on academia.

law firms are figuring it out, too — there is strength in numbers.

The firms, 504 in all, signed a so-called friend of the court brief that was filed on behalf of Perkins Coie, the first firm to receive an executive order restricting its business.

even Democrats are figuring it the fuck out. just this past weekend, Hakeem Jeffries and Cory Booker held a sit-in at the Capital, to raise awareness about all the evil shit that’s in the Republican’s budget bill.

House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries, D-N.Y., and Sen. Cory Booker, D-N.J., hosted hundreds of supporters at the Capitol on Sunday, sitting on the steps in protest of Republicans’ upcoming push to pass a budget reconciliation bill they hope will cut $1.5 trillion in federal spending.

here’s a two-and-a-half minute fragment.

“the Civil Rights Act of ’64. the Voting Rights Act of ’65. the Fair Housing Act of ’68. how did those things happen? do you think we got here because a bunch of Senators over there one day got together on the Senate floor and Strom Thurmond pulled everybody together and said, ‘I’ve seen the light, let those Negro people have the right to vote’? that’s not how it happened. do you think we got Suffrage in America — the right to vote for women — because a bunch of men on the House floor got together and said ‘hey fellas, put it in, right here, on the count of three, women get the right to vote. ready, one, two, three’? no, that’s not how it happened. what happened first, before Obergefell, and they actually decided to let people marry who they love? did it happen at the Supreme Court first, or did it start at Stonewall?”

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in a world of Democrats and institutions that are finally figuring it the fuck out, don’t be a Chuck Schumer — because Chuck Schumer is useless. he’s absolutely useless. he’s as useless as a marzipan dildo.

stand back, everyone. Chuckers is mad as hell, and he’s not going take it any more.

Chuck Schumer: “we sent [Trump] a very strong letter just the other day, asking eight very strong questions.”

Dana Bash: “you’ll let us know if you get a response to that letter.”

OH MY GOD, ARE YOU FUCKING WITH US RIGHT NOW, CHUCK? PLEASE TELL US THAT YOU DON’T ACTUALLY EXPECT DONNY TO FALL IN LINE AFTER READING YOUR STUPID FUCKING LETTER WITH THE EIGHT VERY STRONG QUESTIONS.

yeah, that’ll do it.

credit goes to Dana Bash for not laughing right into Schumer’s impotent face. you’ve got to love her restrained ‘you’ll let us know if you get a response to that letter’ response.

as the Bible wisely counsels, when there was only one set of footprints, that’s when Jesus was standing behind Chuck Schumer, rolling his eyes and miming jerkoff motions.

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some personal news! happy two-and-a-half-year birthday to this community of ours. it’s been quite a ride since I put up my first post on October 28, 2022.

I’ll admit that it wasn’t much of a post. but hey, thanks for hanging in there with me.

also, today’s is my 700th consecutive daily post. the last time I went an entire day without publishing anything was May 29, 2023.

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here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.