no, you racist morons, immigrants aren’t eating anyone’s pets

are these evil demagogues trying to get someone killed? it sure seems like it.

Couchfuck McGee is bad at so many things.

he’s a miserable failure when it comes to campaigning. he can’t speak to a voter without sounding like an awkward space alien who just landed on planet Earth fifteen minutes ago.

“how long have you worked here? great.”

he’s terrible at empathy. when children and their teachers are gunned down, he just shrugs his shoulders and mumbles something about how it’s a fact of life.

the stupid shit can’t even shake a hand without fucking it up.

however, Couchfuck McGee is awesome at two things: misogyny and racism.

“Months ago, I raised the issue of Haitian illegal immigrants draining social services and generally causing chaos all over Springfield, Ohio.

Reports now show that people have had their pets abducted and eaten by people who shouldn't be in this country. Where is our border czar?”

there are two things you need to know about this vile slice of demagoguery.

first, the Haitians in Springfield are legal migrants.

second, the whole immigrants are eating our pets claim is an evil lie.

so, where is Couchfuck is getting his story from? a Facebook post, of course — because everyone knows that the best way to get your news is by browsing your drunk uncle’s feed.

A social media post originally from a Springfield Facebook group went viral nationally in recent days. The original poster did not cite first-hand knowledge of an incident. Instead they claimed that their neighbor’s daughter’s friend had lost her cat and found it hanging from a branch at a Haitian neighbor’s home being carved up to be eaten.

The poster also claimed “Rangers” and police told them that “they have been doing it” at Snyder Park, too, with ducks and geese.

awesome. some nitwit with fifth-hand knowledge of a completely imaginary fever-swamp hallucination posts it all over social media, where Couchfuck McGee sees it and decides to do a little hate-mongering — and of course, the worst people in the world picked up the ball and ran with it.

Esteemed Senator Fidel Cancun took time out from doing fuck-all to help the people of Texas to spread this childish drivel.

seriously fuck all the way off, Ted.

is the Space Nazi the most credulous dope in the universe, or what? he can go join Ted Cruz in Fuckoffistan.

if little Spot and darling Puff are truly disappearing from yards across America, maybe the authorities might want to talk to this guy.

because Bobby Brainworms Junior never met a carcass he didn’t want to gnaw on.

anyone with half a brain and access to a search engine could have easily figured out that Couchfuck and the Space Nazi were playing their worshipers for fools.

Haitians were also accused of killing and eating ducks and geese in the city's Snyder Park. However, a photo purportedly showing a Haitian immigrant walking down a Springfield street carrying a dead bird was actually of an American and was taken in Columbus, Ohio—nearly 50 miles away.

The cat rumor originated nearly 100 miles away in Canton, Ohio, where a mentally ill woman—also an American—was arrested last month for allegedly killing and eating a cat.

but thinking critically and fact-checking every dumb-ass fairy tale you see on Facebook is not the way the Wingnut Grievance Bubble works. inside the Bubble, everyone knows that Haitians are throttling geese in the park and gobbling them down with gusto, because everyone knows that Haitians are throttling geese in the park and gobbling them down with gusto.

apparently, do your own research only applies if it’s a deadly pandemic, and you’re a fuckwad.

what’s the endgame here? to get someone killed? it sure seems like it. fill some unhinged cultist’s head with enough fantasies about those people doing despicable things, and eventually he (because it’s always a he) is going to pick up one of the dozen AR-15s he has hanging on his living room wall, and sally forth to mete out some misplaced “justice.”

‘the things those people are doing, it’s like they’re not even human’ is a slur as old as forever.

it’s a short walk from Haitians are gobbling geese to Jews are drinking Christian blood — and we all know how that movie played out.

check out Little Donny Fuckface once again vowing to solve imaginary problems in the most violent way possible at a hate-rally this past weekend.

“they’re radicals headed up by a radical governor in Colorado that has no clue how to solve this influx of crime into his state — and by the way, Colorado’s one state. it’s much worse in other states. but in Colorado they’ve taken over, I mean heh heh in Colorado they’re so brazen, they’ve taken over sections of the state. and you know, getting them out will be a bloody story.”

“a bloody story” — if that’s not an incitement to vigilante mayhem, I don’t know what is.

there’s a debate tonight. wouldn’t you love it if one of the moderators actually asked Agolf Shitler just what the fuck he means by “a bloody story” — and then not just accept Donny’s bluffoonery for an answer, but ask probing followup questions?

you know they won’t. they’ll be too busy haranguing Kamala, pestering her with endless questions about how she’s going pay for schoolchildren to have hot lunches.

WHERE’S THE MONEY, KAMALA? WHERE’S THE FUCKING MONEY?

no one ever asks Donny how he intends to raise the money to identify and then round up tens of millions of migrants, inter them in concentration camps, and then deport them. we’re talking about a trillion dollar boondoggle here, but no one ever even attempts to call Donny to account for it.

and if the press did ask Donny to account for it? you already know the answer that would ooze out of Donny’s rancid anus-mouth.

“something something China something tariffs something something it’s gonna be great like no one’s ever seen.”

we saw this in action the other day when someone asked Donny how he’d pay for childcare, and he spouted three hundred and seventy-six words of pure gibberish. how did the press react? they sanewashed the fuck out of that shit.

not one media outlet even bothered to explain that Donny has no idea how tariffs work. they just patted him on the head and give him another free pass to vomit out all the crazy shit he wants — no questions asked.

meanwhile, right now, Kamala Harris is huddled with her debate prep team, rehearsing the answer to DID YOU EVER WORK AT MCDONALD’S? for the ten thousandth time.