more fucked up tales from the United States of Guntopia

this is why the rest of the world thinks we’ve lost our fucking minds

Credit: Nicole Hester/USA Today Network via Reuters

after I clicked ‘publish’ on yesterday’s piece “it’s the fucking guns, you fucking fucks,” the horror stories just kept on coming. throughout the day, my notes file kept filling up with clips and links to more American gun atrocities. presented here, in no particular order, are the worst of the worst.

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psychotic weatherman vs girl with lost kitten

this one had folks on twitter asking, is this real?

oh fuck yes, it is real.

details are sketchy, but near as we call tell, the little girl who was ringing this dipshit weatherman’s bell was looking for a lost kitten. and she nearly got her head blown off, because this is the America we live in now.

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shithole governor Greg Abbott vs. common decency

remember this atrocity from yesterday?

well, it turns out that at least some — if not all — of the victims of this mass shooting were legal residents of the US. did shithole governor Greg Abbott apologize for calling them “illegal”? no. did he take down the tweet? no. is shithole governor Greg Abbott a shithole human? yes.

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let’s teach terrified third graders how to dress gaping gunshot wounds

here’s another heartwarming story out of Texas. they’ve figured out a great way to deal with school shootings. “is it to ban guns? to restrict access to assault weapons?” I hear you asking.

silly rabbit.

no, Texas’s bright idea is to give battlefield training to children. legislation currently being finalized would require all students in third grade and up to be trained in battlefield trauma care. the same training we give to soldiers in an active war zone.

the next time Texas wants to secede, maybe we should just let them.

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just like shooting fishermen in a barrel

here are two dudes out for some fresh air, getting in a little fishing, with permission, mind you, when some overzealous member of Meal Team Six comes out of nowhere to shoot first and ask questions never.

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take me out to the BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM

now let’s turn to America’s pastime. wait, did you think I meant baseball? no, I’m talking about America’s new pastime, ducking for cover as shots ring out from god knows where.

I’d recalled seeing a tweet of a video of little leaguers running from gunfire, but I didn’t keep a link to it. so I googled “gunfire little league game” and … well, let’s just say that you know your country has gone off the fucking rails when you ask google to show you the video of gunfire at a little league baseball game and google answers, “which video?”

because holy shit, there are over a dozen.

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alexa, show me America in one screen grab

and finally, this was CNN’s home screen at 3:12pm yesterday. three consecutive stories that perfectly illustrate just what the fuck is wrong with America today.

holy. fucking. shit. this is why the rest of the world thinks we’ve lost our fucking minds.