James Comer is a gutless fucking coward

... and other tales from the non-impeachment of Joe Biden

hey, remember when James Comer made a big deal of signing subpoenas for Hunter and James Biden? remember how he demanded that they both appear for closed-door depositions? remember how Comer tweeted out a video of him sitting at his Big Boy Desk with his Big Boy Pen? Jimmy-Jams was super fucking proud of himself that day, wasn’t he?

“J … A … M … E … hey guys, what comes after E?”

well, playtime’s over and Big Boy Jimmy really wishes you would forget about all that.

that satisfying sound you just heard was a big fucking rake slamming against Jimmy-Jam’s forehead.

Hunter Biden just outplayed Comer, volunteering to appear before Congress, on live television, to testify under oath.

booyah, Jimmy!

Hunter even offered to pull out his dick and show it to everyone.

ok, I may have made that last part up.

Comer was aghast, and backtracked a mile a minute.

“fuck no, I don’t want any of that,” Jimmy whined. “it’s not fair! I said closed-door deposition. what’s all this out-in-the-open shit?”

you see, Comer is done with public hearings. he’s finally grown tired of being exposed for the clownshoes fool that he is.

these hearings always start out so promising for Republicans — or so they think. Comer — or his partner in dipshittery, Jim Jordan — will get up and wave his arms and point his finger and froth at the mouth about Joe Biden and Burisma and China and whistleblowers — but then, things always manage to go south after that.

remember back in September, when Jimmy’s star witness Jonathan Fucking Turley admitted that there was no evidence against Biden?

“I do not believe that the current evidence would support articles of impeachment.”

that was fun, wasn’t it?

remember how Democratic Rep. Jared Moskowitz brought his own visual aids?

“it’s a simple board, right? all other presidents of the United States, 50 percent of the impeachments. Donald Trump, the other 50. Donald Trump has half the impeachments in American history. but you know what? he’s got 100 percent of the indictments.”

remember the moment that Democratic Rep. Jasmine Crockett became a national hero?

“but when we start talking about things that look like evidence, they want to act like they blind. they don’t know what this is. these are our national secrets, looks like in the shitter to me. this looks like more evidence of our national secrets, on a stage at Mar-a-Lago. when we’re talking about somebody that’s committed high crimes, let’s say 32 counts related to unauthorized retention of national security secrets, seven counts related to obstructing the investigation, three false statements, one count of conspiracy to defraud the United States, falsifying business records, conspiracy to defraud the United States, two counts related to efforts to obstruct the vote certification proceedings, one count of conspiracy to violate civil rights, 23 counts related to forgery or false document statements, eight counts related to soliciting, and I could go on, but he’s got 91 counts pending right now. but I will tell you what President Biden has been guilty of: loving his child unconditionally, and that is the only evidence that they have brought forward, and honestly, I hope and pray that my parents love me half as much as he loves his child. until they find some evidence, we need to get back to the peoples’ work, which means keeping this government open so that people don’t go hungry in the streets of the United States, and I will yield.”

Jimmy remembers, and he’s tired of wiping egg off his unpleasant face, so there will be none of that in-full-view-of-the-public shit any more.

what a fucking coward.

here’s why Chicken Jimmy is so hot to hold closed-door depositions: so he can jump in front of a Fox News camera and lie his fucking face off about who said what.

that’s exactly what Republicans did after their closed-door meeting with Hunter Biden’s business partner Devon Archer.

lying is all they have left. actually, lying is all they ever had.

Republicans don’t have shit on Joe Biden or his family. they will never show us any evidence, because the evidence doesn’t fucking exist.

all they can do is go on MAGA-friendly media and spin their bullshit fantasies about Burisma and China and whistleblowers and hope that their baseless innuendo will filter out into the wider world and somehow damage Joe Biden politically.

and sometimes they can’t even manage to do that.

Maria Bartiromo: “have you been able to identify any actual policy changes Joe Biden made as a result of getting money from China?”
GOP Rep. Lisa McClain: “the short answer is no.”

spoiler alert: the long answer is also no.

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Liz Cheney has a new book coming out, and CNN got hold of an advance copy.

the book includes this ridiculous exchange with Feckless Kevin:

“Mar-a-Lago? what the hell, Kevin?”
“they’re really worried. Trump’s not eating, so they asked me to come see him.”
“what? You went to Mar-a-Lago because Trump’s not eating?”
“yeah, he’s really depressed.”

Trump is really depressed. boo fucking hoo. cry me a river.

now, Liz Cheney is not our friend. she’s a hard-right Republican and she’s not above pulling shit like lying about how Democrats love “post-birth” abortion. but you do have to admire her for and caring about the Constitution. and the hating-Donald-Trump thing is kinda satisfying, too.

anyway, the book is Cheney’s first-hand account of the Jan 6 insurrection and her time on the Jan 6 Committee, and if you were to buy it via this link, I, as an Amazon associate, would earn a few pennies commission — and you’ll be helping to embarrass Republicans.

In her new book, former Rep. Liz Cheney paints a scathing portrait of the Republican Party, condemning her former colleagues and party leaders as “enablers and collaborators,” who after the 2020 election were “willing to violate their oath to the Constitution out of political expediency and loyalty to Donald Trump.”

just saying.