Hunter Biden just fucked James Comer’s shit

with a guest appearance by Little Donny Diaperstain

yesterday was the day that Rake-Stepping Jimmy Comer had demanded that Hunter Biden appear behind closed doors for some harassment that Comer could go on Fox News later and lie about — and guess what: Hunter was all nah, bro, how about instead I just stand right here and tell you to go fuck yourself.

“I’m here today to make sure the House Committee’s illegitimate investigations of my family do not proceed on distortions, manipulated evidence and lies. and I’m here today to acknowledge I have made mistakes in my life and wasted opportunities and privileges I was afforded. for that I am responsible. for that, I’m accountable and for that, I’m making amends.”

“but I’m also here today to correct how the MAGA right has portrayed me for their political purposes. I am first and foremost a son, a father, a brother and a husband from a loving and supportive family. I’m proud to have earned degrees from Georgetown University and Yale Law School. I’m proud of my legal career and business career. I’m proud of my time serving on a dozen different boards of directors. and I am proud of my efforts to forge global business relationships.”

“for six years, MAGA Republicans, including members of the House Committees who are in a closed-door session right now, have impugned my character, invaded my privacy, attacked my wife, my children, my family, and my friends. the have ridiculed my struggle with addiction, they have belittled my recovery, and they have tried to dehumanize me, all to damage and embarrass my father, who has devoted his entire public life to service.”

“for six years, I have been the target of the unrelenting Trump attack machine shouting ‘where’s Hunter?’ well here’s my answer: ‘I am here.’”

fuck yes. thank you, Hunter Biden.

Rake-Stepping Jimmy melted straight the fuck down and threw a clowntastic tantrum when Hunter was a no-show, his voice hitting octaves that only dogs can hear as the press peppered him with inconvenient questions.

reporter: “you haven’t answered the question that you found no evidence of wrongdoing or criminal conduct.”
Comer: “we found some very serious evidence that … uh … look … “
reporter: “but—”
Comer: “no no no no no no!”

it’s always nice to see the press doing its job for a change. and it sucks to be held accountable, doesn’t it, James?

hey, look who else managed to wedge himself in front of that camera — our old friend the shouty half-dressed degenerate wrestling coach.

Jimmy Jords was basically there to do his standard arm-waving finger-pointing schtick — but he did end his tirade with a threat for Hunter.

“and frankly, we’ll also look at contempt proceedings.”

Jim, sit your performative ass the fuck down and shut the fuck up. you have a lot of goddamned gall letting the word “contempt” drip out of your unpleasant mouth.

remember the legally-issued subpoena that you received from the January 6th Committee for your part in the failed insurrection? Jim, remind the folks at home what you did with that subpoena.

oh that’s right, you blew it off. what’s it been now, about five hundred and some-odd days?

hey, here’s a quiz for you: what’s the difference between Jim Jordan and Hunter Biden?

the answer is that Hunter Biden never begged for a pardon.

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guess who else got their shit royally fucked yesterday: that’s right, it was Little Donny Diaperstain.

you see, Jack Smith hadn’t just asked the Supreme Court to expedite ruling on Trump’s claim of I’m A King And Your Stupid Laws Don’t Apply To Me — he also asked the Appeals Court to expedite their ruling as well, to which they were all shit yeah, we’re totally down with that, and ordered Trump’s ace team of d-list ambulance chasers to file their opening briefs by December 26.

when Trump and his lawyers heard that, they had their own meltdown, whining about how oh my god, this is so unfair, now we have to work over Christmas, what the fuck is this bullshit.

they even called Jack Smith the Grinch — which is a totally mature and professional thing to do in a legal filing.

the Appeals Court said fine, now the deadline for you fuckwads is December 23rd — which gives them three fewer days in which to complete their task.

good job screwing yourselves, Donny’s lawyers — but at least Christmas is saved!

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meanwhile, the House voted to open an impeachment inquiry into Joe Biden’s imaginary high crimes and nonexistent misdemeanors. every Republican — and no Democrat — voted for it, and Holy Mike Johnson was fucking pissed about the rank partisanship of a one-party inquiry, and he did not mince words.

“the Founding Fathers, the founders of this country, warned against single-party impeachments. and they had a very specific reason for warning us against that.”

oh wait, that wasn’t yesterday. that was Holy Mike back in 2019, during the first Trump impeachment. looks like single-party impeachments are just fine and dandy when you’re hellbent on avenging Dear Leader.

hey Holy Mike, remember what your pal Jesus said about hypocrisy:

“Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men’s bones, and of all uncleanness. Even so ye also outwardly appear righteous unto men, but within ye are full of hypocrisy and iniquity.”

how’s that shoe fit, Mike?