Donald Trump is dumb as fuck and he just got outplayed by Jack Smith

Christmas came two weeks early this year

holy shit, I would love to play poker against Little Donny Fuckface. he’s erratic, he’s impulsive, he’s dumber than a box of rocks and he has no ability to restrain himself or think ahead more than one move.

and the best part is that he never shuts the fuck up. while everyone around the table is playing their cards close to the vest, Donny would be running his mouth, blurting out stupid shit like “hey Rudy, look, I got a pair of threes.”

but if The Man Who Convicts War Criminals in The Hague showed up to play, I’d be looking for the nearest exit.

the news just keeps getting worse for the quadrice-indicted twice-impeached popular-vote-losing adderall-huffing insurrection-leading testimony-ducking judge-threatening lawyer-ignoring witness-tampering disabled-veteran-dishonoring inheritance-squandering language-mangling serial-sexual-predating draft-dodging casino-bankrupting butler-bullying daughter-perving hush-money-paying real-estate-scamming bone-spur-faking ketchup-hurling justice-obstructing classified-war-plan-thieving golf-cheating weather-map-defacing horse-paste-promoting paper-towel-flinging race-baiting tax-evading evidence-destroying charity-defrauding money-laundering diaper-filling 91-count fluorescent tangerine felony factory currently cowering under the covers down in his excruciatingly tasteless bedbug-infested Florida golf motel.

Donald Trump is having a bit of a meltdown these days because the nitwit actually believes that he’s above the law, and that all this having-to-go-to-trial-for-insurrectioning thing is just so much bullshit.

laws, you understand, are stupid things that only the little people have to obey.

and so Trump threw a tantrum where he stamped his tiny foot and shouted but I’m a king! with immunity! I can crime all I want and no one can stop me and if you make me do this trial, I’ll take it all the way to the Supreme Court and then you’ll be sorry!

to which Jack Smith was all no you won’t, fucknozzle, I’ll take it to the Supreme Court — which is some Jedi-level mindfuckery right there.

Mr. Smith asked the Supreme Court to rule on Mr. Trump’s attempts to have the election subversion charges dismissed on a sweeping claim of executive immunity before a lower appeals court even has the chance to consider the issue.

Mr. Smith also asked the justices to make their decision quickly.

taking the appeal directly to the Supreme Court and asking them to rule quickly completely fucks Trump’s shit, because as always, it was Donny’s plan to have all these appeals play out over months and possibly years, potentially moving the trial date from its currently-scheduled March 2024 to how about never — is never good for you?

turns out that never was not good for the Supreme Court, and they immediately agreed to take the case and expedite it.

On Monday evening, the U.S. Supreme Court agreed to bypass the usual appeals process to expedite a hearing to its chambers regarding pre-trial claims made by former President Donald Trump in seeking to dismiss federal charges in the election subversion case against him.

Team Trump, natually, freaked the fuck out, whining it’s not faaaaaaaair!

In response, the ex-president’s camp issued a statement decrying Smith’s attempt to appeal to the very court Trump helped appoint. A Trump spokesperson accused the special counsel of attempting to “try for a Hail Mary by racing to the Supreme Court and attempting to bypass the appellate process.”

boo fucking hoo, Donny. cry us a river.

and this is why you don’t play poker with The Man Who Convicts War Criminals in The Hague.

“I have a full house. and four aces. and a Supreme Court.”

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and if that weren’t bad enough for Donny Diaperstain, there’s this:

Jack Smith has Trump’s cell phone data, and he’s going to use it as evidence in the Big DC Insurrection Fuckery Trial.

Special counsel Jack Smith has extracted data from the cell phone Donald Trump used while in the White House and plans to present evidence of his findings to a Washington, D.C. jury to demonstrate how Trump used the phone in the weeks during which he attempted to subvert the 2020 election.

In a court filing Monday, Smith indicated that he plans to call an expert witness who extracted and reviewed data copied from Trump’s phone, as well as a phone used by another unidentified individual in Trump’s orbit.

that’s right, Jack Smith has access to Trump’s location data, his search history, his twitter DMs, his messages — all the juicy shit.

The expert will describe to jurors “the usage of these phones throughout the post-election period, including on and around January 6, 2021,” when a mob of Trump supporters attacked the Capitol after Trump urged them to fight to “stop the steal.” The expert’s review also included “analyzing images found on the phones and websites visited.”

The expert testimony is the first explanation of how Smith plans to deploy a massive trove of data that prosecutors obtained from Twitter about Trump’s use of his powerful account.

to put this in precise legal terms, Donald Trump is now fucked seven ways from breakfast.

Donald Trump's lawyers will be “totally freaked out” by the amount of evidence that experts have extracted from his phone, according to a former federal prosecutor.

Harry Litman, an attorney and constitutional law lecturer at University College Los Angeles, was reacting to prosecutors’ announcement that they will be calling phone experts to give evidence in Donald Trump’s election fraud trial.

Donald Trump is a fucking idiot who left his tiny little fingerprints all over evidence everywhere — and he’s freaking out because he’s up to his eyeballs in shit and he knows it, and all that stands between him and a guilty verdict next summer is a Supreme Court that he can’t depend on this time to bail him out.

The fact that Trump’s alleged crimes were committed while he was president is also no reason to grant him immunity. Quite the contrary. The president is required by the Constitution to take care that the laws be faithfully executed. Any criminal act committed by a president is necessarily a violation of his oath of office, committed outside the legal bounds of his authority. Put another way, if the president is committing a crime, he isn’t, by definition, acting within his authority as president. He’s acting outside that authority, beyond the scope of his powers.

it’s like Christmas came two weeks early this year.