good fucking riddance to Ron Fucking DeSantis

let's mock this dipshit’s clownshoes campaign

it’s over. Ron DeSantis has packed it in and abandoned his bid to be president. the man who named his campaign PAC “Never Back Down” has backed all the way down and now slinks dejectedly back to the governor’s residence down in America’s dangly bit. to say that Ron shit the bed as a candidate would be an understatement — DeSantis broke new ground in bedcrappery. the guy was a fucking disaster. so as the smoke clears, one obvious question remains:

what were we so afraid of?

a year ago, we were all quaking in our boots with our hair on fire.

Ron DeSantis is running. holy fucking shit!

he’s going to huff and puff and blow our house down!

the beltway press gleefully joined in, telling us all to be very fucking afraid.

he’s super competent, we were told. he’s going to be a lot worse than Trump, they said, because he’s smarter and he won’t be a lazy fuck-up. he’s going to be our worst fascist nightmare.

yeah, no.

let me just brag that I called it first, writing on May 29 of last year:

I’ll go on record right now: Ron DeSantis is never going to be president. he’s awkward. he’s unpleasant. he’s not funny. he’s not entertaining. he has negative charisma. he’s clumsy. he carries himself like a lizard-creature from outer space wearing an ill-fitting human skin suit. he laughs like a braying hyena.

and someone please explain to me what the fuck this is:

the DeSantis campaign is over, and all he has to show for it are a thousand mocking memes and a big pile of smoking ashes where millions of dollars used to be.

so let’s ridicule this fuckstick mercilessly as we review the clownshoesiest moments of his failed run.

I’m just a normal, appendage-bearing mammal, why do you ask?

DeSantis officially launched his campaign last May via a “twitter space,” and it immediately crashed like a Tesla — because the Space Nazi is an incompetent dipshit, and because some of these metaphors just write themselves.

everyone had a field day with that, and even Fox News joined the pile-on.

DeSantis was a disaster with the press. he was hostile and combative, and quite Trumpishly dismissive of any reporting he didn’t like as “fake news.”

but there were also moments of sublime self-ownery — like the time he felt the need to go on Fox to assure the public that he absolutely does not and would never ever ever ever ever use his weird how-do-these-work human digits to dig delicious snack food out of a cup and use those same “fin-gers” to guide this yummy nutrition into the noise-hole on his what was that called again? oh yeah — face.

why, Ron? why the need to blow up an easily-ignored rumor into an entire news cycle?

Ron was also a twenty-megaton toxic waste pile when it came to charming the voters.

here’s DeSantis last summer in New Hampshire, abysmally failing at the kind of small talk that should be bread and butter for every politician:

“what’s your name?”
“Tim.”
“okay.”

brilliant stuff, Ron. keep it up. no notes. you have this guy eating out of your hand. now drone on about how you’re going to persecute drag performers and ban the dictionary and end woke.

DeSantis wanted so badly to come off as the kind of regular Joe you’d want to have a beer with — assuming in the first place that you’d want to have a beer with a malprogrammed cyborg who holds that beer like he’s never seen one before.

also note the ace job Ron’s doing here, telling the very people he’s trying to woo that he’d rather be in bed than be talking to them.

and what the fuck was this?

pro tip for future candidates: never, ever go mining for nose gold and then wipe the payload all over the bill of some voter’s cap.

oh, have we mentioned that Ron’s proposed policies were totally abhorrent? he simply could not shut the fuck up about how much he wanted to kill people.

here he is on Face the Nation last October.

Ron has been forced to find ever-more-incendiary ways to call attention to himself. this past Sunday he showed up on Face the Nation with a brilliant new policy idea: shoot every migrant wearing a backpack. because fentanyl, you understand.

host Margaret Brennan was aghast, and pressed Ron for details.

“can you explain how that would work? would a soldier have to ask his commanding officer for permission before he shoots anyone wearing a backpack or is this just a blanket ‘shoot anyone with a backpack’?”

Ron tried to deflect, babbling some nonsense about cartels and fentanyl and how we need to get tough. Margaret refused to be derailed. again she asked,

“how would you differentiate who’s a threat? how would you shoot people wearing backpacks?”

Ron tries to filibuster again, and gets cut off.

“but how do you know what’s in the backpack?”

Ron: “you have to make those judgements.”

HA HA HA killing people is so humeriod

Ron DeSantis ended his campaign the same way he began it, by once again shitting the bed on not-twitter, this time by tweeting out an imaginary Churchill quote that actually came from a beer ad.

Candidate Ron’s final act was to walk up to Donald Trump and stand there, big and strong, tears welling in his eyes, and say “sir — sir, I endorse you for president.”

I may have exaggerated that last part just a little bit.

DeSantis has taken his political future and fucked it straight into the ground.

he’s has no moves left. he’s term limited as Governor. he’s too repellant to be a TV host. he’s too unpleasant to become a lobbyist. back to the House? forget it. Senator DeSantis? really?

adios, clownstick.

don’t bother writing a book, Ron. no one wants to hear from losers.

just ask Marge

hey, maybe they’ll let you go back to sitting in on Gitmo torture sessions and laughing.

thanks for the memories, Ron. we’ll cherish them forever.