fuckwits, racists, and kiddie-fiddler apologists: your Republican roundup

it's a trifecta of terrible

the worst people in the world were doing what they do best yesterday: gleefully inflicting their insufferable fuckery on us, and making the world we live in just that much shittier.

Eric Trump is all the proof you need that the fuckwit doesn’t fall far from the tree.

“you can send $500 million worth of bitcoin on a Sunday night at 11pm while having a glass of wine with your wife for virtually zero fees.”

those madcap Trumps, they’re so relatable! who among us hasn’t needed to transfer half a bil in pretend money used to pay for crimes on a Sunday night?

kitchen table issues, am I right? because if you were to ask someone struggling to feed their family what their most pressing problem was, I’m sure they’d answer ‘fees on money transfers.’

I’m fucking thrilled that the guy who stole money from a charity for cancer-stricken kids is able to move those funds around with such ease, aren’t you?

but I’m curious: what wine pairs well with grift and thievery?

oh, and I guarantee that if Eric is up at 11pm on a Sunday with his wife Lara, here’s what he’s really saying to her: ‘does this library paste taste funny to you?’

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now here’s furniture fornicator and eyeliner model United States Vice President Couchfuck McGee, committing another one of his charming racisms.

“a lot of young people are saying housing is way too expensive. why is that? because we flooded the country with 30 million illegal immigrants who were taking houses that ought by right go to American citizens.”

HOLY SHIT! THEY’RE EATING THE DAWGS, THEY’RE EATING THE CATS, THEY’RE BUYING UP ALL THE HOUSES WHICH SHOULD BE RIGHTFULLY GOING ONLY TO WHITE PEOPLE.

is there anything bad that Couchfuck can’t find a way to blame on immigrants? does he slam his hand in the car door and shout FUCKING ILLEGALS!

look, the day laborer who just got tackled and hogtied by masked ICE thugs in a Home Depot parking lot isn’t likely owning a house that ‘ought by right’ go to Joe MAGA.

I’m shocked — shocked! — to learn that the guy who earlier this year lectured Germany to be nicer to their Nazis keeps using Third Reich framing for his arguments. because you know who else thought that ‘others’ should be restricted from having nice things in their country? of course you do.

The slogan Nur für Deutsche (English: “Only for Germans“) was a German ethnocentric slogan indicating that certain establishments, transportation and other facilities such as park benches, bars and restaurants were reserved exclusively for Germans.

I have a question: who are these undocumented immigrants who have the scratch to put together the down payment on a half-million dollar house? are they in the room with us right now?

which is it, JD? are the undocumented overwhelming the system because they’re all on the public dole — which is a claim you made last month — or are they all somehow doing so amazingly well that they’re making $3,000 monthly mortgage payments? because both of those things can’t be true.

tell me, JD, what about all those Saudi oil princes who own apartments in Donny’s vulgar tower in New York City? they’re not US citizens. shouldn’t they be getting the fuck out?

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okay, I saved the worst for last.

you really need to hear the latest atrocity from the woman who once had a complete meltdown over the horror of bearing witness to a department store Santa who was black.

I’m talking, of course, about Megyn Kelly.

“as for Epstein, I’ve said this before, which is a reminder: I do know somebody very, very close to this case, who’s in a position to know virtually everything. and this person has told me from the start, years and years ago, that Jeffrey Epstein, in this person’s view, was not a pedophile, but that he was into the barely-legal type. like, he liked 15-year-old girls … that he wasn’t into 8-year-olds. but he liked the very young teen types that could pass for even younger than they were but would look legal to a passer-bye. there’s a difference between a 15 year old and a 5 year old.”

Megyn Kelly seems nice, doesn’t she?

sorry, my head just exploded. while I glue the pieces back together, I’m going to let standup comedian Gianmarco Soresi field this one for me.

“here’s the thing — and just hear me out for one second. technically speaking, R. Kelly is not a pedophile. just give me one second. I promise this goes well. just hear me out. the term ‘pedophile’ refers to people who are attracted to those who are prepubescent. then there’s something called a ‘hebephile.’ that’s people who are attracted to those in the early stages of puberty, like 11, 12, 13, 14. and then there’s something called an ‘ephebophile.’ that’s people attracted to those in the later states of puberty, like 15, 16, 17, 18. but I think the reason we don’t make those distinctions is because it’s very hard to explain the difference without sounding like a pedophile.”

exactly.

seriously, why the fuck are we even having this conversation? why do we need to ‘actually’ pedophilia? what is the point?

there isn’t one state in the union where adult sex with a 15-year-old is legal, ‘barely’ or not. ‘barely’ is not a thing in US case law. you can’t stand before a judge and go ‘yeah, but she was barely.’

look, shall we just refer to Epstein as a kiddie-fiddler? shall we say that Donny Convict has a dead kiddie-fiddler bestie problem? would that make Megyn Kelly happy?

Kelly has a 14-year-old daughter. if god forbid she fell victim to some Jeffrey Epstein type, what would Megyn’s reaction be? ‘at least she wasn’t 8’?

is that the state of MAGA today? ‘at least she wasn’t 8’? take a bow, you creeps. you’ve really outdone yourselves.

pro tip: if you have to finesse the definition of ‘pedophile’ because Dear Leader has a dead pedo bestie problem, guess what: you’re on the wrong fucking side.

the only thing you need to know about Eric Trump’s out-of-touch greed, or JD Vance’s racism, or Megyn Kelly’s prevarications, is that Donny’s name is on every page of the Epstein Files.

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here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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