Donald Trump and the Art of the What the Fuck Is He Babbling About

when is a deal not a deal?

Donny Convict is, of course, the greatest deal-maker of all time.

let’s look back at some of his crowning successes. remember that time he opened five casinos, and— no, wait, all of them went bankrupt. ok, this one: there was the time that Donny cut a deal with electronics store Sharper Image to sell Trump-branded meat, and— no, wait, that whole deal went tits-up.

ok, how about this one: when Donny was the owner of a football team— hang on, that one ended up with him bankrupting the entire fucking league.

look, never mind all that shit. that was then, and this is now. the Greatest Deal-Maker of All Time is currently working on his greatest deal yet: two hundred simultaneous trade agreements with every single country on the planet — including the penguins on Penguin Island.

we should probably check in on Donny, and ask him how it’s going.

“just to finish, we also have a situation— ’cause everyone says, ‘when, when, when are you gonna sign deals?’ we don’t have to sign deals. we can sign twenty-five deals right now, if we wanted. we don’t have to sign deals. they have to sign deals with us. they want a piece of our market. we don’t want a piece of their market. we don’t care about their market. they want a piece of our market. so we can just sit down, and I’ll do this at some point over the next two weeks, and I’ll sit with Howard and Scott, and, and with our great vice president who has done a really good job. we have some good news to report on a lot of fronts, but JD will be there, and Marco and we’re going to sit down and we’re going to put very fair numbers down, and we’re going to say ‘here what this country, what we want, and congratulations, we have a deal.”

folks, the President of the United States is stark barking bonkers.

it’s a shame they don’t give out a Nobel Prize for Total Fucking Incoherence, because Mad King Donny would be a lock. if I’m parsing this gibberish correctly, the all-new reason Donny hasn’t yet cut a deal, is he’s now decided that he doesn’t have to. it’s all those other countries who have to make deals with us. ohhh-kay.

Donny’s new plan is working beautifully — except for the part where no one is running to us and begging for a deal. China has pretty much told us to go fuck ourselves, and the once-bustling Port of Los Angeles is now a ghost town.

but don’t worry about it folks — in two weeks, Donny’s gonna sit down with Granny-Starvin’ Howard Lutnick and all the other Sewer Clowns, and they’re going to pull numbers out of their asses, and tell all our trading partners to take it or leave it.

yeah, that’ll work.

trade wars are easy to win when you’re completely detached from reality.

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Mark Carney, the new Prime Minister of America’s Hat, came down to DC for his first official state visit yesterday. did President Pudding Cup use the occasion to start blithering about ‘arbitrary’ borders? of fucking course he did.

“it’s also a beautiful— you know, as a real estate devel— you know I’m a real estate developer at heart, when you get rid of that artificially drawn line— somebody drew that line many years ago like a ruler, just a straight line right across the top of the country, when you look at that beautiful formation, when it’s together, I’m a very artistic person, but when I looked at that beauti— I said, that’s the way it was meant to be.”

“I’m a very artistic person.” yeah, sure you are, Donny.

wait — what the fuck is that on the right? is that a gold-plated eagle?

where is Donny finding all this unspeakably ugly tat? is Walt Nauta going out on weekends to cruise yard sales?

Donny’s lucky that Mark Carney is the prime minister of the world’s most polite country, because the prime minister of Jeffistan would have told Donny to go fuck himself six ways from breakfast.

here’s how Carney’s post-meeting press conference began.

reporter: “I was watching your face during the meeting in the Oval Office, and I wondered what was going through your mind when the President talked about erasing the ‘artificial’ border.”

Carney: “I’m glad that you couldn’t tell what was going through my mind.”

reporter: “oh, I could.”

we all could.

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the Sewer Clowns sure are leaning hard into this two dolls thing.

on the very same day that Republicans begged Team Donny to please shut the fuck up about dolls…

…Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent went there, on Fox News.

“this reporter behind me was quite snarky the other day when President Trump talked about the girl having two dolls. the president didn’t take the question, but he said ‘what would you tell that girl?’ I said, I would tell that young girl that you will have a better life than your parents. that you and your family, thank to President Trump can now be confident again … your family will own a home. you will be able to advance. you will be able to have a good education. you will have economic freedom. that’s what we are advancing.”

sure, that’ll work. as any parent who has ever wheeled a child through a supermarket knows, “you can’t have candy, because economic freedom” will calm that caterwauling brat right the fuck down.

what better life is Little Mary Sue going to have through the grand economic plan of Fewer Dolls? because last week, Bessent’s partner in crime, Granny-Starvin’ Howard Lutnick, told us that we are all destined for a future where you and your kids and their kids will all be toiling away screwing in millions of screws down at the iPhone factory.

“it’s time to train people not to do the jobs of the past, but to do the great jobs of the future. this is the new model where you work in these kinds of plants for the rest of your life, and your kids work here and your grandkids work here.”

so let’s see. Team Donny’s building a world where there will be no social safety net, no unions, no healthcare, no education, no food safety inspections, with all of us toiling away in dead-end, multigenerational factory jobs — and magically, Little Mary Sue is going to be better off because she only got two dolls?

fuck you, Sewer Clowns. go peddle that shit elsewhere. we’re not buying any today.

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okay, now it’s time to mock the shit out of Dear Leader. this is an actual, un-retouched photo from yesterday.

to answer, Marlene Robertson’s question, yes, Donny insists on doing his own makeup. he’s just too cognitively impaired to do a competent job.

but whoever came up with the image below wins the entire internet forever.

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here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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