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MORE BRILLIANCE! I'm adding these to my list of Jeff-isms. "a pungent haze of his own butt music." "Captain Ass Trombone". 😆😆 🐔🐔 Here in the Heartland for the last 10 days, I have uncovered some real Trumpers. Scary, scary people. I can hardly wait to get back to Philadelphia.

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fun fact: in the first draft it was "Captain Ass Flute"

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The flute is too dainty an instrument for this demented asswipe. You made the right call. Maybe even Captain Ass Tuba. 😂

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He processes Methane like a catalytic converter, that morbidly obese former president! When asked which instrument he played, Trump immediately responded, "The buffoon!"

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How about Captain Ass Flugelhorn?

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A flugelhorn would have a metal pipe that would expel the gas above Trump's head. Don't put the thought in his head.

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😂😂😂😂

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Oom pa pa, Oom pa pa…:II

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Oom pa poop . . . Oom pa poop 💩💩💩

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😂😂😂

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OR How about alternating days ? A kazoo would be worth a try - maybe his ass could play a tune. Flute ? Harmonica ? Of course it may clog up if it’s a wet one.

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🤣😂🤣😂

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Colonel Sphincter Trumpet - or Drumpfet

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😂😂😂😂

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It’s a good thing that smoking isn’t allowed inside anymore … but lighting a match would be a hoot-poot !

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I said the same thing before I saw your comment, lol. Great minds think alike. 😉

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🤣😂

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Captain Ass Trombone has a poetic sound. I am hearing "Captain Ass Trombone led the big parade, with 110 farts from his behind....

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I started singing to myself and I'm laughing so hard I'm 🤣

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Thats good! 😂😂😂

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Everyone is brilliant today! Such amazing imaginations.

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“Narcoleptic fart factory” 😂

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Or more Dantean: and he then made a trumpet of his ass. From the gargoyle cantos of The Inferno. He’d certainly have made tRump a head demon.

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It's painful to reflect on the fact that we had as our president someone who'd never have been able to parse this comment. Nor would he have had the attention span to try.

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Somehow, I think the demons of Hell won't like Trump. Too much competition.

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He might know the words “ass” and “head.” “Trumpet” is a maybe and the rest of them? Forget it. Trump would imprison anyone caught using those words in the future.

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I cannot see Trump as a demon. He's too damn stupid. Perhaps a minor imp of some sort. None of the actual demons like him, but they put up with him because he's a useful idiot...WHEN he follows directions!

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Richborn Farthorn

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That was pretty good, I have to admit it.

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Trombone is much better. 😃

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The TERRORIST with a toxic tushy

tuba.

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I call his rallies hatefests.

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Oh and you can add “bloated sack of leaking shit” to that picture of blubber trump compared to jock man Obama.

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Commenters may suggest additions to the Tiedrich archives. But it’s not qualified an “authentic Tiedrich” unless it’s included in the essay itself. “Captain Ass Flute" would have, of course, been immediately admitted without question. Sorry, Jeff…. technical problem. I checked with the British museum and they confirmed that that’s the rule. Written artifacts must have the correct provenance.

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Picky... picky... picky. Ancient literature is full of rewriting. Homer developed over a period of several hundred years. The Bible contains many books that are rewrites of earlier books. I play by ancient rules, due to my training as an ancient historian. So, with all due respect, bug off!

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I’m not so sure we disagree. In this case, the author went with “ass -trumpet”, and later informed us that he had earlier considered “ass flute”. But that earlier consideration appeared for the first time in the comments section, and therefore failed to achieve the highest standards of provenance that the editors at the archive demand. [helpful note: Mr. Tiedrich would always have the option to make a perfect use for “ass flute” in a subsequent essay.]. Hope this helps.

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Trombone…definitely trombone

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Maybe Captain Ass Tuba? 🤷‍♀️

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I'm almost feeling sorry for his lawyers who have to sit through a virtuoso performance from the 'Trump Trouser Trumpet' every day.

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No, a flute is too delicate.

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That's a good one too

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This also has a ring to it…

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I hope you live in the city of Philadelphia because out here in the burbs I see tons of Trump flags and lawn signs and yes, they're very scary people with lots of guns. And when Trump loses in November, THEY are not going away. Sigh... I'm thinking of moving into the city myself.

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I’m in DelCo. Hoping for the best. 😳

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The "...pungent haze of his own butt music" sentence still has me laughing!🤣

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I continue, on a daily basis, to be in disbelief that people are still buying his Bullshit!!

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Same here... I got into with someone I knew years ago on Facebook (yeah, I know...not the place, but she pissed me off 😂) and she is firmly entrenched in the Trump camp. The Heartland is not very aware.

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There are pools of sanity here and there that make it possible to live here. You just won't know about them because they are not filled with braying idiots. Shhhhh........be vewy vewy quiet and just--VOTE.

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Susan, please tell me if I'm a fidiot. I've been on a quest to visit all 50 states for decades. I have five states left and they are all in the "heartland" a/k/a 'flyover' country -- OK, IA, KS, NE, and ND. All of the arrangements have been made to complete this mission in late September. I realize that it's going to be right before the presidential election and I will be going deep into LDFFland for about a week. Am I nutz for doing this? I might have to be sedated the entire time.

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As a person who has visited 49 of the 50 states, just keep your eyes open and mouth shut. Nod whenever anyone voices an opinion. You are there to observe, not to influence.

I have also visited 14 foreign countries. I have also bicycled across the country using the winter route, through the southern tier of states. Never a problem.

My 11 years living in New York City helped me prepare for this. You learn there are times NOT to have an opinion.

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May 19·edited May 19

Beautifully stated advice! I bicycle camped 1400 miles across Europe in the '80s and after counting, have been to 20 different countries. I love the observation perspective. That is eminently useful in any situation.

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Good advice!

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If you are afraid (and you probably shouldn't be unless you are sporting a fuck trump tee shirt or something similar) you can target your visits to the blue or bluish areas in each state - yes, even in Oklahoma. In Kansas I can personally recommend the city of Lawrence, home of the University of Kansas. I am sure residents of other states on your list can give similar recommendations.

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Good advice. Thank you. I'm actually looking forward to visiting Nebraska City, NE which is where the HQ for the Arbor Day Foundation is located. I've been a card-carrying member for 40 years and they are a beneficiary in my Will.

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Rural Nebraska is not safe. We have had numerous run ins with MAGAQ idiots in small towns. We have driven through there for years, as we take that route from Minnesota to Colorado. We have been nearly run off the road. We had a group of young men hitting their brakes and then speeding up to 100 miles an hour. The gas station dick heads see our Minnesota plates and fucking go off about our female Senators. Fuck Nebraska. You would think it's Arkansas with all the Trump and Confederate flags flying high. I fly now. Fuck those brain dead mother fuckers.

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This happened to recently to a friend coming into Idaho. She was delivering a car with California plates to her daughter. My, God. The stupidity. When Biden wins they are going to burn down their own towns. The stupidity never stops.

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We're starting in OK City with a rental car so should be okay there. I'm trying to make this trip as quick as possible and will be flying home from Minneapolis after visiting my last state of ND.

If you go to the Fargo/Moorhead Visitor Center and declare that ND is your 50th state, you are honored with a certificate, a t-shirt, and a round of applause from the staff. It's kinda corny, but so am I.

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Tulsa *works* for Oklahoma, FYI

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Also the Murray Building site in OKC, unmissable

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May 22·edited May 22

One of the greatest Memorials of all time - AGREE

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Agree on Lawrence, and anywhere in "Greater Kansas City" is usually safe.

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I agree with counterlife... Kansas City is fun and the BBQ is great. St. Louis is cool...their Italian section is great. I dont know much about North Dakota or Oklahoma. I think anywhere there is a university, you'll find more intelligent and tolerant people. If you went to Arkansas, I'd suggest Fayetteville and Eureka Springs! ✌️ Stay safe!

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Eureka Springs 💙✔️

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Thankfully, I've already been to Arkansas -- spent a week there one day and could not wait to leave. My husband was stationed in Blytheville (appropriately pronounced Blahville) during the Vietnam War and wanted to see what it looked like 50 years later. What a shithole town. It was depressing and ugly, except for the vibrant shiny white Wal-Mart which appeared to be the new town center.

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I second Fayetteville. I’ve been there about 20 times over the last 40 years. The last time was 2 years ago. Nice people, decent restaurants, a great farmer’s market. I don’t do church, so no recommendations there…

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It is really amazing how much trump support is in the rural areas. Must be a gun, no minorities, church on every corner thing.

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I live in KS (KC Metro) and not all of us are red. I grew up in a very small town and the Republican River runs through it. The weekly paper is called the ***** Republican. It’s still mostly Red.

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deletedMay 19
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Our plan is to dip our little toe in Iowa and then GTFO.

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Maybe the heartland needs to become more brainland?

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Kick her a—! With words I hope.

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Well, I was polite and full of facts and web sites. I find these MAGA people are just mad and never offer logic or reasoning to the discussion. It's downright primitive.

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I try to refrain from commenting on FB. That happened to me once, a few years ago, when we were in the throws of the orange one’s presidency. I swore not to do it again.

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I have no idea what came over me! It was stupid to engage. I’m about done with FB anyway 🤷‍♀️

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May 19·edited May 19

Gotta love that the producer of non- stop rotten butt music as he whiffs away to try to stay awake has the audacity to demand a drug test from Biden. Who the hell buys this bullshit is perfect especially when this asshole can't function and not even very well without a little help from his friends? Still laughing at what is probably the spot on description of the week, Captain Ass Trombone.

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same...

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My first thought when I heard that the orange turd had agreed to debate President Biden with no audience and the mic being turned off was, “nope, not gonna happen.” Shitforbrains can’t string 10 words together to make a coherent sentence without a teleprompter, let alone make a rational policy statement. He’s a flatulent imbecile who will make an even bigger fool of himself trying to debate someone who actually possesses all the qualities needed in a president. And don’t think his repugnant handlers don’t already know this. That’s why we began hearing excuses and complaints from them almost immediately. I’d love nothing better than to see them debate, but I doubt seriously chicken little will show up, and, of course it will be the democrats fault 🙄

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Me too. Was my 1st thought

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He's the healthiest president in the history of ever! He's also (according to God-Emperor Ladyfingers himself) faster than OJ, and the bestest golfer ever. He wins club tournaments just by thinking about them!

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He’s so disgusting. Please…can he please just stroke out already? As entertaining as Jeff’s articles are about this whole entire fucking mess I’d be happier if it all just went away.

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I'd be good with that

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I am (almost) obsessed with it 🥰

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founding

Me too

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Best thing that could happen, for all of us straight thinking people, is if he’d stroke out.

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The day will come. And it will be a day of joy

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Him and Chuck Norris

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Little Donnie Fuckface absolutely will not debate Biden nor will he testify at his trial.What will happen at this trial is that his sickening red tie sycophants will violate the gag order by proxy, another chicken shit move.

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For a guy whose motto is I won’t back down I see a whole lotta backing down. Do we need to make a list?

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Not like his supporters can read.

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I hope the Biden-Harris campaign's comms team makes every ad (after he backs out) about his fear of debating Joe Biden without cult members or a friendly moderator present or access to his beloved Adderall and mocks him mercilessly for it. I think Biden would be happy to agree to drug tests for them both--it will give the campaign cover for speaking about the elephant in the room (DonVonShitzInPantz's long, long addiction), which they've seemed loathe to address. Open that Pandora's box, Donny!

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Trump's post on his crap app about how Joe Biden couldn't debate and he was blaw blaw blaw really would be a good example for mental health experts to learn about projection. For Trump to speak at the NRA was a good example also. A distracted traitor speaking before a disgraced organization.

All soon to be forgotten but the stupid crap keep us hostage by their constant barrage of insanity.

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"Sir." Conversation never happened.

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All these rallies later, I still find it hard to believe there isn’t a four-year old in the control room randomly pressing a big red laugh-track button and giggling along with the funny old man and his imaginary accordion.

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Pungent haze of his own butt music... Your killing me Jeff

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Better to be knocked over by Jeff’s wonderful monikers, than by Richborn Farthorn’s ass-gas

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I like that- Richborn Farthorn 😂😂

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Tshirts!

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He's been doing that accordion-hands/ parallel palms thing, when he fucks up, for years. It's meant to signal, "Never mind that. Here comes something super-intense."

Not that it matters. His fans don't come to "hear his thoughts." They come to see their favorite performing bear, and that's what they get, every time.

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He has the same appeal as professional wrestling to them.

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Exactly. A cartoon hero defeating cartoon villains.

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"Redneck and stupid is no way to go through life, son"

Paraphrasing Dean Wormer.

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And his adoring fans feel a vicarious thrill; they feel empowered even if their own lives are shitty.

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That is exactly right. They leave halfway through his rant if he's not screwing up and acting crazy enough to entertain them. They pay a lot for their entertainment and so do we taxpayers. Our federal taxes should go way down if he is in prison.

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Truth.. you’re absolutely right.. I just never want to see it or hear him but your spot on with the hands thingy.. ooooh watch the hands

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Orange Bloats butt music is a siren call to his sycophants. When they get dashed upon the rocks of an election loss, no one will weep for them. Laugh out loud perhaps, and rejoice!

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Donny will never debate Joe or testify in court. His attorneys and handlers know letting him loose would be disastrous, and his 30 second glitch while speaking to the NRA can happen again.

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And it will.

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Please FFS just make it stop…talk about a worm infesting one’s brain…I am so over this guy. Now opinion pieces are explaining why, even if he is convicted of falsifying documents to hide his porn star payment so American voters would be none the wiser and vote for this piece of 💩, it will be overturned on appeal. Why? Because the case law is so weak it would be hard for a conviction BUT if a conviction it will be overturned on appeal because the case law is so weak. Huh? My brain cannot wrap itself around the bazillion right wing articles/news headlines claiming “Trump is Innocent of Democrat Witch Hunt!!” if this happens. It will be like the Comey “but her emails” surprise. I can’t take it anymore…

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👍🎯👏👏👏👏

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I was wondering what the old bastard would be foomfetting about this weekend. Eugenics and his amazing physical superiority. It figures

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