befuddled old fart declares brilliant military victory over California

welcome to Donny’s United States of Delusion

Jan 28, 2025

late last night, in a daring raid, the brave US soldiers of the Twelfth Spigot-Opening Battalion overcame the rebel forces of Mad Governor Newsom in what will forever be known as the Battle of the Ginormous Fucking Faucet That Doesn’t Actually Exist.

I shit you not.

“The United States Military just entered the Great State of California and, under Emergency Powers, TURNED ON THE WATER flowing abundantly from the Pacific Northwest, and beyond. The days of putting a Fake Environmental argument, over the PEOPLE, are OVER. Enjoy the water, California!!!”

now what in the hallowed name of Severe Head Trauma Jesus is this? because no, no, no, no, and FUCK no, none of this happened. nothing even close to this happened.

seriously, I woke up this morning and saw the screen shot of Donny’s post being passed around on the interwebs and thought, ‘this has to be fake’ — but no, it is goddamned real.

the question must be asked: what did the president imagine, and when did he imagine it? because here’s what actually happened.

“The military did not enter California. The federal government restarted federal water pumps after they were offline for maintenance for three days. State water supplies in Southern California remain plentiful.”

this is where we are now as a country. our out-there-where-the-buses-don’t-run president farts out some late-night fever-swamp hallucination, and some poor schnook at the CA Department of Water Resources has to get out of bed at one o’clock in the morning to reassure the world that Commander Crazypants didn’t attempt a coup in California.

it’s fucking insane, is what it is.

there are so many questions. are the brave US soldiers of the Twelfth Spigot-Opening Battalion in the room with us right now? do they have a cool military nickname? how about the Fightin’ Spigoteers, can we call them that? how many of them did it take to turn that building-sized faucet? will Donny be awarding them the Medal of Freedom for their heroics?

let me ask you: do you think Donny plays with toy soldiers, and confuses it with reality? is that what’s going on? does he take one in each hand and smash them together while going take that, Gavin Newscum, how dare you kiss my wife.

guess what the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled media are doing right now. that’s right, they’re sanewashing the shit out of the story. they’re he-said-she-said’ing it.

look at Fox News. they’re taking Donny’s blithering at face value.

President Donald Trump claimed Monday night that the military entered California and “turned on the water,” but state water officials contend that the president’s claim is false.
“The United States Military just entered the Great State of California and, under Emergency Powers, TURNED ON THE WATER flowing abundantly from the Pacific Northwest, and beyond,” Trump wrote on Truth Social.
But the California Department of Water Resources responded that the military never entered the Golden State and that the state continues to have plenty of water resources.

Donny claims the military entered California. California claims they didn’t. I guess we’ll never know what actually happened.

now feast your eyes on how the dumbest motherfuckers on the planet are reacting. MAGA halfwits are orgasming with joy over Dear Leader’s stunning military victory.

my god. if you wired all the cultist’s brains together, there wouldn’t be enough voltage to power a flashlight.

is there anything that Donny could say now that would be too out there for the cultists to believe? if Donny announced that the moon was made of meat, would Fox News start doling out recipes for Moon au Vin?

none of this is normal — and yet, just hours before Donny’s latest over-the-rainbow break with reality, the Washington Post was trying to convince us that oh yes, it is normal.

what the fuck are you doing, WaPo?

if Jeff Bezos wants to curry favor with Dear Leader by slobbering all over his ass, fine. it’s still a free country, for now. but don’t you fucking dare expect us to pretend that any of this is normal.

it is not normal for a United States President to invent glorious military conquests over building-sized faucets that don’t actually exist — and it should never be normal for the media to pat him on the head and play along.

oh look, the violent insurrectionists who Donny pardoned are continuing to cover themselves with glory.

here’s one who ended up on the wrong side of dead.

An Indiana man who received a pardon from Donald Trump for his participation in the January 6, 2021, riot at the U.S. Capitol was fatally shot by a sheriff’s deputy during a traffic stop on Sunday, according to law enforcement authorities.
Matthew Huttle was killed by a Jasper County deputy “when an altercation took place between the suspect and the officer, which resulted in the officer firing his weapon and fatally wounding the suspect,” the Indiana State Police told The Associated Press.
Police said Huttle was found with a gun.

and here’s one who apparently has an unnatural fondness for children.

A convicted US Capitol attacker who was freed from prison by Donald Trump’s decision to pardon essentially every participant in the January 6 uprising must now grapple with an unresolved charge of having solicited a minor.

this shitweasel was on the verge of being nabbed for solicitation when he got nailed for insurrection first — but now that he’s out on the street, he’s finding that those old charges never went bye-bye.

Houston criminal court records show that case was unresolved when Taake – out on $20,000 bail – participated in the attack on the US Capitol. According to the Chronicle, local prosecutors confirmed Friday that Taake was now considered a wanted fugitive in connection with the pending charge of solicitation of a minor.

he seems nice.

Donny keeps telling us that other countries are emptying prisons of their criminals and sending them over the border to commit mayhem here. but as always, every accusation is actually a confession — because the only person actually emptying the prisons of criminals is Dear Leader.

hey, the Trump Golf Tracker is up!

let’s check it out. here are the stats as of this morning.

in fact, Donny was driving his golf car on the green at his bedbug-infested Doral golf motel in Miami all day yesterday.

I can’t believe that this lazy fuck was golfing while our brave soldiers were putting their lives on the line in California.

here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.