this week in stupid: April 19 edition

JD breaks it, Carville forsakes it, and so much more...

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

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monday: oopsies!

Donny Convict’s presidential activities can be sorted into two categories: the Fucking Up Of Shit and the Standing Next To Of Athletes. Donny loves to stand next to sports dudes. anyone who wins anything, they get invited to the White House so that weak and insecure Donny can preen with them and pretend that he’s a winner, too.

on Monday, Donny must have been too busy with the Fucking Up Of Shit part of his job, because he outsourced the Standing Next To Of Athletes business to his veep.

did hilarity ensue? it sure as fuck did — because JD Vance fumbled that shit on live TV.

oh my god, JD — you had ONE JOB: pick up a championship trophy and hand it off to members of the Ohio State Buckeyes. but you couldn’t manage it without breaking the trophy in two and letting it fall from your stubby mitts.

why do they keep letting this doughy pantload out in public? is there one time when he hasn’t screwed the pooch?

hey, let’s gif that shit, for posterity’s sake — and let’s slow it way the fuck down, and wring every drop of stupid from it.

if that’s not a metaphor for Donny’s entire presidency, I don’t know what is.

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tuesday: it’s the irrelevance, stupid

at long last, could James Carville please fuck all the way off?

the last time Jimmy C. got a starring role in This Week in Stupid was just about a year ago, when he whined that the real problem with the Democratic Party is that there are too many mouthy women in it.

In his interview, Carville said the Democratic party is failing because “there are too many preachy females … ‘Don’t drink beer, don’t watch football, don’t eat hamburgers, this is not good for you,'” he said. “The message is too feminine: ‘Everything you’re doing is destroying the planet. You’ve got to eat your peas.’”

Jimmy’s back with an all-new complaint, and it’s every bit as annoying as last year’s was. now, the real problem with the Democratic Party is all the progressives with their icky pronouns and shit.

James Carville ripped into progressive Democrats focused on “identity politics” and questioned why they would want to be part of the Democratic Party at all.

In a Tuesday video for Politicon, Carville argued that a “schism” may be necessary to reconcile the differences between progressive Democrats focused on “pronoun politics” and more traditional Democrats like himself.

shut. the. fuck. up.

here’s what I wrote back on March 30, 2024, when Carville made his ‘preachy females’ comment. I don’t even have to change one word of it, because it’s all still true:

media, can we talk? how is anything James Carville says relevant? why are we still sticking a microphone in front of this guy?

I’m sorry, but James Carville is a big bucket of who gives a shit.

James Carville is basically famous for being famous. he’s the Kim Kardashian of politics. thirty-two years ago, Carville ran a successful campaign against a vastly unpopular incumbent in the middle of a recession, and ever since then the media has been treating him like some kind of once-in-a-generation political super-genius.

oh please, a crusty cum-sock could have defeated Poppy Bush in ‘92. let’s find that nasty old sock and put it in front of a camera. it probably has more pertinent — and less offensive — things to say than James Carville does.

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wednesday: first they came for … oh no, me

oh look, here are some evangelicals who are very sad right now because they never thought the leopards would eat their own holy faces.

“Christians are now possibly being deported. there was a recent study that came out this week through the Catholic News Agency that said that approximately ten million Christians may be subject to mass deportations. this is having huge ramifications with the congregations.”

oh boo fucking hoo. I’m having a very hard time working up one ounce of sympathy for cultists who were totally down with Dear Leader’s entire agenda, except for the part where it’s now affecting them — especially when the next thing out of these people’s mouths is “why are you doing this to us? we hate the same people you hate.”

“I just want to reassure everybody ... that Latinos love God,” she said. “We have the same God. We have a monotheistic religion. Our tradition, our values; 97% of Latinos go to church. We believe in a male and female. No transgender. Our language is gendered. Everything ends in an O and an A, meaning that everything is masculine and feminine, and we go to church regularly.”

oh, fuck off.

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thursday: you can’t not, can you?

let’s say you’re a fledging fascist, out to prove your mettle. what’s the first thing you do? you project strength, that’s what. that’s fascism’s whole deal. look at me, I’m inevitable.

now let’s say that you, Mr. Fledging Fascist, have been appointed to work for SecDef Pete Kegstand. now your job is to project the strength of your country’s military. so, how do you do that? well, you could say something like “America is a force to be reckoned with” — or “America is not to be trifled with.”

or, you could be like Royce Chamberlin, and get it hilariously wrong, clownfucking your way into the Laughingstock Hall of Fame — because words, how do they work?

“I am excited and honored to announce I have been appointed to the Office of the Secretary of Defense at the DoD.

Helping ensure our country is viewed as a force not to be reckoned with.”

who wants to tell him?

spoiler alert: Donny’s way ahead of you, Royce. haven’t you noticed how China is ignoring us and European countries are now working together without us? America is indeed now a force not to be reckoned with.

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friday: so many countries, so little time

this week, President Dumbfuck broke new ground in dumbfuckery when he admitted to a room full of Sewer Clowns and reporters that basic geography is beyond his grasp.

“the Congo in Africa. many, many people come from the Congo. I don’t know what that is, but they came from the Congo.”

yes, I know. I’m having the same reaction you are right now. how the fuck does Donny not know what the Congo is?

well, here comes Newsmax’s Greg Kelly to explain why it isn’t Dear Leader’s fault.

“nobody knows what all these countries are.”

Greg doesn’t realize this, but he’s just taught a master class in how cults work:

Dear Leader is never wrong. therefore, if Dear Leader doesn’t know something, that’s because it’s unknowable.

I mean come on, look at this shit. look at all those tiny little squiggly countries. they’re unknowable.

is there no behavior from Dear Leader that the cultists won’t excuse as perfectly normal? if Donny started shitting himself in public, would MAGA start proclaiming that real men wear diapers?

I mean, that would be ludicrous, right?

oh wait —

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saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

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do you have a nomination for This Week in Stupid? email me at jefftiedrich@gmail.com. thanks!

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here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.