your Republican party: swindlers, traitors, morons and dipshits

Kari and Santos and Gym, oh my

the full range of Republican fucknuttery was on display yesterday. the thieves and scoundrels who have slithered their way into the halls of power did what they do best: rob the country blind while making it both ungovernable and less safe.

let’s have a look.

swindlers

beloved drag performer and dog rescue aficionado George If That Even Is Your Real Name Santos (R-Kleptopia) is almost as much of a twentyfour-seven felony factory as Republican standard-bearer Little Donny Fuckface.

he’s certainly giving Trump a run for the money in the superceding indictment category.

already under indictment for 13 counts of such super fun things as forgery and credit card fraud, yesterday’s superceding indictment added ten more kick-ass counts of wire fraud, identity theft and living large off campaign donations.

I mean, what’s the point of running for office if you can’t use campaign funds to buy designer clothing?

so far, exactly zero of Santos’s Republican colleagues have called for him to resign. ace job, you sniveling cowards, take a victory lap.

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traitors

Republicans continue to block the appointments of military leaders, ambassadors, and other government officials, because fuck you, that’s why.

• fright-wig fanboy Rand Paul has blocked the appointment of our ambassador to Israel because he’s convinced that Dr. Fauci is responsible for creating covid and just typing this sentence is making my head hurt.

• remaindered author JD Vance has put a hold on all Department of Justice nominees, basically out of revenge for the DOJ’s indictments of Trump.

• failed football coach Tommy Tuberville is blocking military promotions because he’s super fucking annoyed that the Pengaton is allowing raped soldiers to get abortions. how dare they.

• one hundred and thirty seven year old Chuck Grassley has placed a hold on on a nominee for the Department of Veterans Affairs because … uhh … look, Chuck can’t even remember what he had for breakfast, don’t ask him to remember why he’s doing this.

• hand model and Olympic sprinter Josh Hawley is blocking all appointments to the Department of Energy.

these treason-weasels continue to double down on their obstruction, even in the face of mounting world crises.

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morons

gobshite conspiracy loon and leading candidate to be Donald Trump’s fourth wife Kari Lake has announced that she’s running to replace Kyrsten Sinema in the race for Arizona Senator.

this is actually troubling because both Democrats and Republicans fucking hate Sinema (she’s currently polling at 19%), making her pretty vulnerable to even a complete idiot like Lake.

please go throw a couple of dollars at Reuben Gallego — Sinema’s Democratic challenger — so we can keep Arizona blue.

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dipshits

the Tesla clowncar that is the House Republican caucus continues to randomly crash and burst into flames as it casts about for a new Speaker.

shouty half-dressed degenerate wrestling coach Jim Jordan is one of the two main candidates for the job. Jim — one of the most extremist bomb-throwers in the House — has been talking out of both sides of his over-amped mouth, promising on the one hand to reach out to moderates and then in the next breath proclaiming that as Speaker, he wouldn’t allow one penny of aid to go to Ukraine.

oh, and there’s this other totally fucking awesome thing about Jordan — he’s a depraved creep who covered up a molestation scandal when he was a wrestling coach at Ohio State. that’s right, good old Jim Jordan looked the other way in the shower room as the team doctor sexually assaulted Jim’s students.

yesterday, four of the abused wrestlers spoke out, reminding the world that Jordan’s a complete piece of shit and unworthy of the job of Speaker.

Republicans responded by sticking their fingers in their ears and shouting LA LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU.

spoiler alert: as I sit here writing this, Jimmy Jords does not have enough votes to win the Speakership.

the other main candidate for the job is David Duke cosplayer State Scalise (that’s not hyperbole, Steve really did call himself “David Duke without the baggage”). Steve’s strategy for winning seems to be shutting the fuck up and hoping people forget that he used to brag about being a white supremacist.

spoiler alert: as I sit here writing this, Stevie Scal also does not have enough votes to win the Speakership.

but wait! at the eleventh hour, a dark horse has entered the race!

spineless contortionist Kevin McCarthy has taped a “kick me” sign to his own back and announced that he wants another shot at being tortured daily by the stupidest fucking lunatics on the planet.

I say we give the Speaker’s gavel back to Kev — he’s a feckless doofus but at least he recognizes the value of a functioning government.

holy shit, look how low the bar has dropped when it comes to being considered a “responsible” Republican.

folks, a word on a different subject before I let you go: we’re doing some quarterly fundraising at my other venture, The Smirking Chimp. I’m leery of even mentioning it because if you’re one of the people paying to support my own writing here, you’re already doing god’s work and you’re already doing more than enough to help out. but if you’ve got five dollars that you absolutely wouldn’t miss and you do feel like supporting the Chimp, well, that just makes you twice the hero. the donation link is here, or you can go straight to paypal if you need no further convincing. and if you don’t care to donate, that’s totally cool, too, and we will not speak of this again. in fact, we never had this conversation. thanks for listening and that’s it from me for now.