‘you want lies with that?’

in which Donny fries some fries and owns the libs

in the 1970s, internationally-renowned penis expert Donny Convict and his tyrant Klansman father Fred had a rule: black people, keep the fuck away.

if one of those people showed up at Donny and Fred’s office, looking to rent an apartment, they were told ‘oh, so sorry. we’re fresh out of vacant apartments today. come back another time. how about never? is never a good time for you?’

which is why it’s super fucking hilarious that today, Kamala Harris is living rent-free in Donny’s head.

she’s up there right now, pointing and laughing and taunting him.

Don-ald … you suck.

it’s driving him nuts.

imagine being so profoundly broken-inside that you move heaven and earth in order to prove something insignificant that happened forty years ago never actually happened.

Donny Convict is just that profoundly broken. he’s had a bug up his ass for weeks now about Kamala having worked at a McDonald’s decades ago, and he’s had an Ahab-like obsession that he’s gonna prove she’s lying.

how, Donny? how are you going to prove it’s a lie?

I’ll work a shift at a McDonald’s french fry machine. that’ll prove she’s lying!

how will you working a shift prove that Kamala didn’t?

BECAUSE IT WILL!!!

why is he so obsessed over something so stupid? because Donny has rancid, weeks-old tapioca pudding inside his head, where a brain should be.

yesterday, Donny made good on his dumb-ass promise. to hear him tell it, he worked a shift at a McDonald’s, where he interacted with regular customers. here’s what you need to know: none of that is true.

the McDonald’s where Donny held his publicity stunt was closed for the day.

the “customers” who Donny “served” were all cultists who had been pre-screened — and the goddamned thing was rehearsed in advance.

the crowd of worshipers who gathered in hopes of catching a glimpse of Dear Leader were, of course, weird as fuck.

Donny didn’t work with a hair covering or gloves, as required by law, because what part of this is just a campaign stunt do you need explained to you?

wasn’t the franchise manager concerned that there might be germs or weird-ass hair contaminating the fake french fries that Donny was serving to his fake customers? fuck no, he didn’t. the McD’s where Donny pulled his stunt had already been cited by the local health department because workers habitually didn’t wash their hands, nor wear hair restraints.

As it turns out, the McDonald’s location Trump visited failed its last health inspection from Bucks County in part due to employees not washing their hands or wearing hair restraints.

A Bucks County report from their March 2024 visit cited Trump’s campaign spot for employees not having “hands clean and properly washed.” These requirements, when carried out properly, help reduce food borne illness.

New York Magazine summed up the whole shit-show quite succinctly.

CBS news reporter Olivia Rinaldi asked Donny if he now thinks the minimum wage should be raised, and he vomited out one of his patented non-answers.

“well, I think this: I think these people work hard, they’re great, and I just saw something, a process that’s beautiful. it’s a beautiful thing to see.”

once again, we’re treated to Donny’s seven-word vocabulary. beautiful. the process was beautiful. why beautiful? because it’s the opposite of horrible, Donny’s other favorite word.

just one time I wish someone would ask Donny to explain what’s so beautiful about getting spattered with hot oil while working for $7.25 an hour.

of course Donny has no interest in raising the minimum wage, no matter how beautiful the goings-on in a Mickey D’s might be. in 2020, Donny ran on keeping the minimum wage as low as possible.

Donny doesn’t give a shit about workers. just ask any of the undocumented Polish workers he hired to demolish the Bonwit-Teller building.

Over 200 undocumented Polish workers worked 12-hour shifts at only $4 an hour. The firm provided no safety equipment, hard hats, googles, or masks, despite reports of asbestos. In 1983, several Polish workers filed suit against Trump, as the property’s owner, due to “horrid and terrible conditions” at the demolition site.

just recently, Donny bragged about how he avoids paying overtime.

“I used to hate to pay overtime when I was in the private sector, as they say. ‘Oh, I don't want over-’ you know, I shouldn't tell you this. I’d go out and get other people and let them work regular time. It's terrible. I'd say, ‘no get me 10 other guys. I don't want to have. I'm going to have. I don't want to have,’ but it'll be great.”

but sure, tell me one more time about how Day One Fry Cook is such a friend to the average working stiff. it’s such a great story.

oh hey — Donny also confessed to violating the Logan Act, as one does while working a shift.

“Yeah, Bibi [Netanyahu] called me this morning, and he’s obviously got things going well.” When Trump is asked if Israel will attack Iran: “I can’t tell you that. That I can’t tell you. It would be very inappropriate, but they’re certainly in a better position.”

why is Donny being allowed to run his own shadow foreign policy that’s in direct opposition to the current administration’s? Donny is clearly implying that he’s been talking with Bibi about Iran, but he “can’t tell you” about it because “it would be inappropriate.”

hello, Merrick Garland? are you even awake?

so, what did Donny’s stunt accomplish? not one goddamned thing — but of course, the stupidest fucking people on the planet are over social media this morning, crowing about how Donny owned all the libs.

bro, get over yourself. nobody’s mad at Donny. we’re just pointing out how clownfuckingly stupid his whole dog-and-pony show was.

I’ll tell you what this event lacked: the presence of Couchfuck McGee. wouldn’t you have loved to see JD Vance show up as one of Donny’s customers? imagine the awkward exchange that would have taken place, as JD tried to come up with relatable topics of conversation.

so, how long have you been my Führer? that’s great.

let me leave you with this heaping dose of what the fuck, from a town hall Donny held yesterday.

“energy is so big, it’s so like amorphous, it’s all over the place. if you make donuts, it’s a stove, and the truck to uh bring them to uh wherever they’re being delivered.”

is Donny ... dosed? is he tripping his balls off? did someone spike his diet coke with LSD? because he sounds someone who’s higher than a fucking kite, babbling in their college dorm room at three in morning.

hey, man — did you ever think about energy? and how it’s so, like, amorphous? it’s like everywhere, man. even in donuts. hey, I’m hungry. let’s go get some donuts.

look at the cultist whose question Donny is answering. even he’s got a look on his face like what the fuck is Dear Leader gibbering about?

let’s gif the shit out of this homey, because he’s going to come in handy.

we really do live in the dumbest possible timeline.