why does the press keep wasting our time on absurd bullshit?

meanwhile, Kamala, Tim and Joe burn it up on the campaign trail

in just two months, the most consequential election of our lifetime will take place — democracy vs fascism — and the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled media have been working overtime to distract and confuse us with the most inconsequential drivel imaginable.

did Kamala really work at McDonalds? does Tim Walz really have a dog? these are the inane rabbit holes the press expects us to follow them down.

meanwhile, the actual fabulist in the race — Donny Convict — is making up a dozen new whoppers every day. here’s the latest doozie: there are now six states — including Tim Walz’s hellish dystopia of Minnesota — where it’s legal to kill a newborn baby after it’s born.

it’s such an easily-smacked-down lie — killing a baby is a crime called murder, which I don’t know if you’ve heard, but murder is already against the law in all fifty states — but the press can’t be bothered to fact-check Donny. they’re too busy focusing on nonsense.

that’s right, the Daily Beast sat down with a microexpressions expert and had her comment on CNN’s interview with Kamala and Tim.

Vice President Kamala Harris said a lot during her interview alongside running mate Tim Walz with CNN’s Dana Bash. And a lot of it came through on her face, according to microexpressions expert Annie Särnblad.

now, microexpressions are a real thing, and the woman the Daily Beast spoke to, Annie Särnblad, is an actual expert.

but the question must be raised: what the fuck are we doing here? is this really useful?

because check out the vital information gleaned from the Beast’s reporting:

Walz showed shame in his facial expressions while answering questions about his previous drunk driving arrest.

“He puckers his chin, tucks it, and closes his eyes,” Särnblad said.

holy shit, stop the presses — because we have a real fucking stunner here: Tim Walz is ashamed of his DUI.

why is this news?

I’m pretty sure that most of us would be ashamed if we had a DUI in our past. you’d have to be a sociopath not to be — and there’s only one sociopath in this race, and spoiler alert: it’s not Tim Walz.

Donny Convict has probably never once driven a car in his soft, pampered life. but can you imagine Donny with a DUI? he’d be proud of it. ask him about it, and he’d brag about oh yeah, I was fucking hammered. the story would grow more outlandish with each retelling — I had twenty-three beers. no, twenty-five! — and there would be a big strong cop in there, too, his massive biceps rippling in the sun as he weepily confesses to Donny that sir! sir! no one I’ve pulled over has ever been as drunk as you. how do you do it?

why doesn’t the Daily Beast have their microexpressions expert review any clip of Donny? there’s no doubt she’d be all holy shit, he’s a fucking lunatic.

but why stop at parsing the facial expressions of Kamala and Tim? let’s get a fortune teller in here. she can gaze into her crystal ball and tell us how the election will play out.

let’s organize a seance! wouldn’t you love to know what Marie Antoinette thinks about Kamala’s fashion sense?

but seriously: why is it Kamala Harris and Tim Walz who are forever under the media’s microscope? isn’t the obvious impairment and cognitive decline of Donny Convict worth at least a few paragraphs?

sorry, no — not when the question of Tim Walz, football coach or assistant football coach has yet to be definitatively answered.

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yesterday was Labor Day and everyone was out on the campaign trail.

Kamala spoke to union workers in Detroit.

“everywhere I go, I tell people, look, you may not be a union member, but you better thank a union member for the five-day work week. you better thank a union member for sick leave. you better thank a union member for paid leave. you better thank a union member for vacation time. because what we know is when union wages go up, everybody’s wages go up. when union workplaces are safer, every workplace is safer. when unions are strong, America is strong.”

later in the day, Kamala made a joint appearance with Joe Biden, speaking to union workers in Pittsburgh.

Joe: “this woman knows what she’s doing. folks, I promise you, if you elect Kamala Harris as president, it will be the best decision you will have ever made. Kamala believes as I do, that unions are the spine of this economy. she’ll be a historic, pro-union president. so folks, we’ve got one more job to do together. let me ask you, are you ready to fight? are you ready to win? are you ready to elect Kamala Harris our next president of the United States of America?”

Kamala: “you really get to know somebody when you’re in the middle of a fight. when times are hard, when the forces are mighty, when people don’t believe something can get done and they have a thousand excuses for why it can’t get done. and I have spent more time with this extraordinary human being when the cameras were not in the room, when the stakes were high and the heat was intense, and Joe Biden has always stood by the workers of America and the labor unions of America, always, always.”

and Tim Walz spoke to union workers in Milwaukee — and holy shit, he was on fire.

“this guy has made it clear how he stands. he’s sitting down at Mar-a-Lago after he got elected president and this was his exact quote. he’s talking to a bunch of folks at Mar-a-Lago. ‘you’re rich as hell, and we’re going to give you a tax cut’ — at the same time, he was telling workers they get paid too much already. that’s who this guy is. you tell me, who in Wisconsin is sitting around, saying ‘damn, I wish they’d give billionaires tax cuts and screw me over. damn, I wish they’d take my healthcare away. I wish they’d underfund my public school. I wish they would make me job more difficult and more dangerous, and then at the end of the day I wish they’d make me work til I’m seventy-five years old.’ no one’s saying that. no one’s asking for that agenda. what they’re asking for is to be treated fairly and with dignity. that’s what we have.”

where has Tim Walz been hiding? not only is he likable and genuine as hell, but he’s seemingly come out of nowhere to become one of the Democrats’ most effective communicators.

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yesterday, even Esteemed Senator Fidel Cancun found a camera to stand in front of.

here’s a short clip that proves that wise old adage, there are two kinds of people in this world: Ted Cruz and people who hate Ted Cruz.

it’s just a 6-second video, so watch it to the end.

wait, let’s gif the shit out of that clip and forever immortalize the moment.

in fact, the only person not out on the campaign trail yesterday was elderly golfer Donny Convict.

the old dotard was just too tuckered out from his one appearance over the weekend, and spent Labor Day rage-posting his usual barrage of dipshittery that included, for some reason, this weird-ass pic of Kamala.

I know they were going for Stalin — but since MAGA can’t ever do anything right, they ended up with Mario.

come on, Kamala — let’s rescue the princess from the castle!