who’s the falling-down drunkest sewer clown of them all?

Kash, Kash, he's our man — if he can't chug it, no one can

Apr 19, 2026

so, who’s the most shitfaced member of the Donnyverse?

you could be forgiven for assuming it’s Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand, the champagne-guzzling dunk-tank clown who grew up to be Donny’s Secretary of Death. after all, ‘piss-drunk’ is right there in his name.

and sure, in the running would be US Attorney Boxwine, famous for regularly showing up for her on-air Fox News gig as a word-slurring, four-sheets-to-the-wind mess.

well move over, you two amateurs. all that shit pales in comparison to the inebriated antics of Krazee-Eyes Kash Patel, who, according to reporting by The Atlantic, is so prone to being ahem allegedly passed-out soused in his office that on at least one occasion, his own staffers had to employ a fucking battering ram just to gain access to do a wellness check.

On multiple occasions in the past year, members of his security detail had difficulty waking Patel because he was seemingly intoxicated, according to information supplied to Justice Department and White House officials. A request for “breaching equipment”—normally used by SWAT and hostage-rescue teams to quickly gain entry into buildings—was made last year because Patel had been unreachable behind locked doors, according to multiple people familiar with the request.

just another perfectly normal day in Donnyland, full of perfectly normal people doing perfectly normal things.

‘I can’t find the FBI director.’ ‘oh well, time to smash his door down again.’

but that’s Krazee-Eyes for you. unqualified, incompetent, and in way over his head — to the point where he has to ahem allegedly self-medicate to the point of incapacity, just to make it through each day.

Several officials told me that Patel’s drinking has been a recurring source of concern across the government.
Early in his tenure, meetings and briefings had to be rescheduled for later in the day as a result of his alcohol-fueled nights, six current and former officials and others familiar with Patel’s schedule told me.

tell me, is that a bad thing, when the nation’s chief law enforcement agent is so fucking ahem allegedly drunk that the business of his department has to go on around him, while he sleeps one off?

just another DUI hire by Preznit Fuckwit, who is currently batting a thousand in his ability to pick the worst possible person for each job in his administration.

Donny’s cabinet is just an endless procession of freaks and weirdos. the science-denier who kidnapped a dead bear and stuffed it in the trunk of his car. the reality show has-been in charge of air travel safety. the Russian asset currently tasked with keeping our secrets secret. on and on it goes, where it stops, no one knows.

this is the stuff of third-world tinpot banana republics, where underlings are chosen for loyalty, not competence. competence is for losers, bro. that’s not how Mad Kings roll.

and now — speaking of losers — heading the FBI, a former podcast bro and literal snake oil salesman. here’s some fun reporting by Mediaite in 2024.

Kash Patel is hawking pills that claim to reverse the effects of the Covid vaccines.
In a Truth Social post over the weekend, Patel linked to a website owned by a company called “Warrior Essentials.”

is it any wonder that this goniff schnook absolutely fucking sucks at his job?

there was nothing on Kash Patel’s resume that would lead any sane person to conclude he’d be the right man to oversee the operations of a complex, thirty-eight-thousand person governmental department.

even that asshole Bill Barr threw a shit-fit when Donny wanted to make Kash the FBI’s deputy director during his first reign.

“I told Mark Meadows it would happen ‘over my dead body’ ... Patel had virtually no experience that would qualify him to serve at the highest level of the world’s preeminent law enforcement agency.”

this time around, however, there was no one to tell Donny ‘no’ when he wanted to put an ahem alleged blackout-drunk goofus in charge of the FBI — and so that’s exactly who he got.

but please — don’t put in the newspaper that Kash got mad at The Atlantic’s reporting.

Kash definitely isn’t mad.

Memo to the fake news - the only time I’ll ever actually be concerned about the hit piece lies you write about me will be when you stop. Keep talking, it means I’m doing exactly what I should be doing. And no amount of BS you write will ever deter this FBI from making America safe again and taking down the criminals you love.

now hold on there a minute, Kash. if you’re so unconcerned by what the ‘fake news’ says about you, then why are you threatening to sue the Atlantic?

see you and your entire entourage of false reporting in court... But do keep at it with the fake news, actual malice standard is now what some would call a legal lay up.

oh please please please please please please please please please sue The Atlantic, Kash. that little thing called the discovery phase is going to be wild.

so, what does everyone think? should Krazee-Eyes get fired for being a dipshit dipsomaniac who totally fucking sucks at his job, or do we keep him around just to see what clownfucktastic thing he does next?

once again, another one of Donny’s self-hyped ‘victories’ in his don’t-you-dare-call-it-a-war on Iran has completely unraveled — and once again, the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press are the guy from Memento, who can’t remember that Donny made the same bullshit claims last week.

everything Donny told us Friday morning about Iran agreeing to all his demands, and about the Strait of Hormuz being open forever turned out to be a fever-swamp hallucination — the product of some fucked-up melange of magical thinking, advanced dementia, and, as always, a desire to manipulate the markets.

how many times is Donny going get away with this shit? how many times are the worthless scribs going to rush whatever Donny says into print without even doing a nanosecond’s worth of fact-checking?

Donny’s blitherings never end up being true, and always fall apart within hours. you might imagine there would be a lesson for the press to learn here, wouldn’t you? like, maybe don’t run up there like a fucking idiot the next time Donny promises that this time, he’s really going to hold that football.

oh look, MS-whatever-they-call-it-NOW has committed a journalism, and put together a super-cut of every time Donny has claimed Iran is super-horny to cut a deal with him.

look at just a few of the times Donny flat-out fibbed about Iran being desperate to cut a deal.

“I think Iran looks like they want to make a deal very badly,” Trump said February 6, in the weeks leading up to the February 28 joint U.S./Israeli attacks.
“They want to make a deal,” he said March 16, weeks after the attacks. And then: “They want to make a deal very badly,” on March 23 in Palm Beach, Florida.
“They want to make a deal so badly. You have no idea how badly they want to make a deal,” he repeated on March 24 at the White House.
“They want to make a deal so badly, but they’re afraid to say it because they figure they’ll be killed by their own people,” Trump claimed on March 25.
“They are begging to make a deal — not me. They’re begging to make a deal very badly,” he insisted yet again March 26.
“They want to make a deal,” he proclaimed on March 27, followed by: “They’re begging to make a deal. They’re begging to make a deal” that same day at a new location.
“They want to make a deal. They want to make a deal more than I want to make a deal,” he claimed in the Oval Office on March 31.
“They’d like to make a deal very badly,” he repeated yet again April 13 at the White House.

Donny keeps using that word, ‘deal.’ I do not think it means what Donny thinks it means.

speaking of wars, we should check in and see how Donny’s doing with his apocalyptic battle with Pope Southside Bob from Chicago.

Harry Enten: “look at this — it is a blowout in the net popularity rating. Pope Leo XIV at plus 34. look at where Donald Trump is, at minus 12. it’s not even close. it’s a nearly 50-point blowout amongst the American public at large. Pope Leo XIV absolutely crushing President Trump when it comes to how popular they are as of last month. and I will note that Pope Leo was the most popular person tested by ABC News. I believe the president is making a humongous mistake going after the most popular guy in America.”

I mean, this really a no-brainer. it’s a choice between the guy who dropped bombs on a building full of schoolgirls, and the guy who says ‘maybe don’t drop bombs on schoolgirls, you blood-spattered fuck.’

meanwhile, Donny’s laser-focused on what’s important in life: not being Joe Biden.

Donny: [scrawls his fucked-up, klan-hood signature] “that’s a good one. oh, I wanted this one. you think Biden can do that? he can’t do that.”

‘that’s a good one’? my god, this narcissistic dumbfuck is even in love with his own signature. he hoists that document up with all the pride of a toddler who made it all the way to the potty without doing a boom-boom in his pants — which, by the way, is a thing Donny can’t do.

Donny, you tiny and damaged homunculus, give it a fucking rest already. nobody in the world gives one shit about your infantile obsession with Joe Biden, aside from the sycophants and toadies who are paid to bark and clap like trained seals when the president makes a funny.

remember the Easter Egg Roll earlier this month? Donny pulled the same tired shit, blithering incoherently to a bunch of children about Joe Biden’s autopen, as if even one of those kiddies had the remotest idea what the fuck he was whining about.

this broken-inside numbskull can’t even spend half a minute talking to children without making it all about himself.

and now, here are your heroes of the day: Barack HUSSEIN Obama and Zohran KWAME Mamdani, who spent their Saturday reading to a group of preschoolers in the Bronx.

look at these two charming charmers, charming the shit out of all of us.

child: “I know your name!”

Mamdani: “you know my name?”

child: “Mamdani!”

Obama: “what’s his first name?”

child: “Mayor Mamdani!”

isn’t nice for a change, just to see two completely normal people having a completely normal interaction with children, without making it creepy or weird, or yammering on about Joe Biden’s autopen?

man, do I miss Obama — and I look forward to Mamdani having what I hope is a long and successful career in politics.

have a great Sunday, everyone.

here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.