373 Comments
User's avatar
Alison Parker's avatar

I would literally pour boiling arsenic into my vagina through a rusty funnel than allow one molecule of that man's splooge anywhere near me.

Jeff Tiedrich's avatar

"splooge" — wish I'd thought to use that in my post. I'm jealous

Bob Bowden's avatar

Saturday will write itself: DOGE stooge spreads his splooge, DeSantis sick-alo flashes piccolo… And so much more

Alison Parker's avatar

I offer it to you, good sir, for future use.

Bob Bowden's avatar

Words no woman should *ever* utter to Elon Musk.

Roberta MacInnis's avatar

Don‘t be. fucktacularly wins the day!

Chris Hierholzer's avatar

I never even heard of that word but it sounds appropriate.

meryl selig's avatar

Terrific word . Onomatopoeia

Timothy Reid's avatar

Don't use it around Trump, he'll claim he discovered it ... such an old-fashioned word. Y'know, like 'groceries'.

Ole Anderson's avatar

I’ve always been partial to ‘spagoo’ . I’m thinking that ‘splooge’ came from R. Crumb originally.

Susan Niemann's avatar

😂😂😂😂😂 Oh Alison…. you win the internet today! 😂😂😂

Tama2U's avatar

Exactly my thoughts!! 😂

Charles Austin's avatar

Yes she did!😂😂😂

arne link's avatar

Oh, Alison. I think Jeff has competition. That really, really made me laugh.

Tess's avatar

Yes! I think there would be a line behind you!!

markwilson67's avatar

I came here for the comments from the women. They do not disappoint:-)

Patrick Daniels aka Cromulent1's avatar

God, I just love the pictures you paint here Alison!!

Diane Rose Halstead's avatar

I’m right there with you, Alison, helping you pour the arsenic, if you’ll help pour mine. UGH!!

Marie Martin's avatar

Agree. Literally would harm myself to erase the mother fucker.

Lisa Hansen's avatar

Thanks for the laugh, Alison. I needed it!😂😂😂

Deborah Hunter's avatar

Couldn't have said it better.

Morgan's avatar

I’ve never laughed so hard in years!! Fvck that was funny!! Thank you Alison!!

Walt Svirsky's avatar

Ooo, Allison, I like your style.

Babe Paley's avatar

We used to call them Cooter Grout, but yours is funnier!

Lisa's avatar

Absolute brilliance! #MeToo.

Lady Emsworth's avatar

No epidural strong enough. . .

Theresa Breach's avatar

The space nazi needs a visit to the veterinary clinic

Stephanie Lajeskie's avatar

Yes! I’ve seen many a PSA, saying to spay and neuter your psychopaths.

Lorraine Morton's avatar

Or a visit with Lorena Bobbitt.

Stephanie Lajeskie's avatar

Even better! It saves money because it requires no anesthesia.

Diane J's avatar

He's already usually high on ketamine so more anesthesia isn't required. I know how to neuter animals so I'd be willing.

Stephanie Lajeskie's avatar

Id be happy to give him a ride to wherever you’re located.

Diane J's avatar

Deal. All we have to do is catch him.

Patrick Daniels aka Cromulent1's avatar

Damn, I’d forgotten about that little adventure from the past Lorraine, nice!!

Doreen Dalesandro's avatar

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Denise Donaldson's avatar

LOVE IT!!!! 👏👏👏👏👏

Rick Calegari's avatar

Yup, a neutered Elno Riprock would be a big benefit. No more little Nazis would be brought into this world and subjected to his twisted, hateful bullshit. Makes you wonder how many women he's approached over the years and even with all of his money, how many told him to go fuck himself?

T L Mills's avatar

His kids may be white, but already they hate their bio-dad. He's doesn't seem to be doing much to endear himself to them. (on the contrary!)

Outdoorluvr's avatar

Well, if he wants to further populate whiteness, why is he hitting up Asian women? 🤔 Doesn't compute.

Ethereal Fairy's avatar

I think they get a pass because of the supremist belief of high intelligence (which the supremists obviously lack).

T L Mills's avatar

The chick who said "no thanks", wins an award for smarts in my book! And in a typical incel move, as soon as she said "no", Elon cancelled his "following" and I think I read that she claims that cancellation cost her $42,000.

Ethereal Fairy's avatar

He offered the Republican hate monger woman, 15 million plus 100,000 a month, to date he only paid 2.5 million, so she's suing him for the rest. So he's a liar on those who take him up on it.

Ellis Weiner's avatar

Wait ten years, and they all become teenagers.

Patrick Daniels aka Cromulent1's avatar

The sperm spigot has been doing this shit for years, he’s a privileged, self important connard Rick!!

Denise Donaldson's avatar

Read the whole article Jeff references, and there's speculation that Elmo's offspring may number in the triple digits. Ewwwww!!!

Ethereal Fairy's avatar

At least 15 because Amber Heard milked him for one. He figured out how crazy she was and that was what she wanted from him, and he sued her not to use the eggs. He lost, and she has a daughter suddenly (by surrogate of course.)

Recent documents leaked by Jennifer Howell, a close friend of Heard’s sister Whitney Henriquez and mum Paige, allege that Elon Musk, the Tesla billionaire, sued Amber in the past. Their issue was over frozen embryos comprised of the couples’ genetic material – he wanted to prevent her from using them.

"Family friend Jennifer stated that Amber “was in a legal battle with him over the rights to embryos they had created together

He wanted to destroy them and Amber tried to keep them to have a baby.

Tragically, mum Paige passed away in May. Jennifer made these statements in the January trial of the libel trial Depp has enacted against Heard. Depp’s lawyers subpoenaed her during his libel trial against The Sun for referring to him as a “wife-beater.”

However, Jennifer muddies this depiction of Amber as a victim

She said that Amber was, “extremely violent… I was worried she was going to kill” Depp.

So, how did Elon Musk get pulled into this mess?

He visited Amber at the LA penthouse she had previously lived in with Depp, but Musk swears that he did not engage in relations with Amber until she filed for divorce from her ex. Eventually, their relationship became serious enough that they retrieved and froze embryos, planning for a future pregnancy."

https://www.ivfbabble.com/new-gossip-emerges-amber-heards-legal-battles-elon-musk-frozen-embryos/

It has been revealed the baby was born in April and, according to US celebrity website Page Six, she was born via surrogate. But this has not been confirmed by Heard or her representatives...The actress has had quite a turbulent year, appearing as a witness in a high-profile libel court case involving her ex-husband, Johnny Depp, and the British newspaper, The Sun, which he subsequently lost.

Denise Donaldson's avatar

Yuck! Sordid celebrity gossip about people who matter not in the least. But a weird connection there between Elmo and Amber, anyway. Just....bizarre all the way around, EFN.

Ethereal Fairy's avatar

They are both extremely shitty people. But as much as Elon wants to breed, she is the only one he tried to claw back.

Ellen McKenzie's avatar

Joann’s Fabrics has dull scissors on sale.

Lisa's avatar

There’s a much easier way that involves fishing line and knotting skills. Cutting off circulation results in testicular demise. Sorry guys.

T L Mills's avatar

No shit...but you know if you did take him to the vet, he'd try to make off with all their ketamine.

Ethereal Fairy's avatar

Yes, he needs to be neutered, because only the gold-diggers will breed with him for the money, making more bad people.

Eric Smith's avatar

Got the MAGA/DOGE/X ick factor turned up to 11 today. Someone needs to tell Elon to lay off the Ketamine.

Patrick Daniels aka Cromulent1's avatar

One could imagine that children birthed with ketamine and cocaine mixed “splooge” would surely suffer from some health problems Eric!!

David A Pitock's avatar

Not be a pretty outcome.

Ethereal Fairy's avatar

Or take too much. That would solve many problems.

Don A in Pennsultucky's avatar

I wonder if that dude got into his car naked or if he managed to drive while he took his pants off. Must have been one of those self-driving Teslas.

arne link's avatar

I've experienced that more than once. I just can't imagine what men think is going to happen? What is the thought process? Do they think a woman is just going to jump on them when they see their magnificent four inches? Anyone?

CL Tee's avatar

#metoo. When I was an innocent teenager. Ugh. Gross. Disgusting.

Lois Henry's avatar

Yeah - I was 9 years old. Naked penis did not have the effect the guy apparently thought it would. I ran away.

John Hampton's avatar

In her comedy standup special, "Hot Forever", Iliza Shlesinger took down all men who whine that a woman's vagina might not measure up, tightness-wise, to their titanic masculine endowment. She said, "It's tight enough for you and your five inches of fury, okay?"

I can't begin to say how much I love Iliza and her comedy, and how highly I recommend that you watch her specials. She is a master of both spoken and physical humor.

Liz and Max the No. 1 Cat's avatar

A friend once told me a joke about a woman who said to one of those types, "You thought you could hurt me with THAT"?

Marian Goldsmith's avatar

Sounds equivalent to what a fearless mid 20s artist friend said to a guy who exposed himself to her when she was coming (no pun intended. It just happened on its own) home on a subway late one night in Philly with hardly anyone else in the car, "Is that the best you can do?" Needless to say he was crushed.

Ethereal Fairy's avatar

"If you water that it may grow" works too.

Denise Donaldson's avatar

Reminds me of the old joke: "Name three two-letter words that mean 'small' or 'little'."

Answer: "is it in?"

Lee Ann Vindasius's avatar

Laughing. Take your magnifying glass with you. Salt and pepper, tweezers, and catch it when it sneezes.

Megan Ross's avatar

Happened to me too, when I was about 9 years old. This disgusting perv stopped me and asked for directions and when I looked into his car, he was jacking off... I screamed so loud that people ran out of their houses, saw what he was doing, called the cops and surrounded his car. One guy took the keys out of the ignition and the pervert tried to get out of his car and run, but he couldn't. He was arrested and I had to go to court and identify him on the stand. It was scary, but, the guy was charged for multiple crimes and imprisoned.

cablecargal's avatar

Wow, I'm sorry you had to go through that crap. Good job going to court at such a young age; that's an extremely daunting experience for a child.

247kath's avatar

Yes why do men(?)whip out the pant peen to wobble it around to mostly women? Or send dic pix? It impresses absolutely no one?

Afraid to google…🥴

Ethereal Fairy's avatar

Unsolicited dic pics are the worst.

DebJS's avatar

That's pretty much all of them, at least when shown to women.

Ethereal Fairy's avatar

Yes, I’m sure gay guys love them.

CreakyKnees's avatar

When I was a young lass, myself and a few other grade school girls were called over by a driver, on our way home from school. When we approached the open car window, he threw a polaroid picture out at us. It was the original "dick pic". We had a serious discussion re/ whether we needed to go to confession. Then we drew straws to see who got to keep the pic.

HI2thDoc's avatar

Haha, that they claim is 7

Stranger Than Friction's avatar

It works in porn stories? I got nothin' but contempt for those weirdos.

Lee Ann Vindasius's avatar

Bet his car seat smells like ass.

Betsy L's avatar

I'm trying to imagine an air freshener in the shape of a - ahem - mushroom with that smell.

Babe Paley's avatar

I once had a case where the defendant was caught for drunk driving, and he was all the way nakey--this was in February, mind you--and I was just like, entirely what? He would never tell me the thought process there. It didn't matter for his case really (though I told him he might want a plea rather than show a jury of his peers the video) but I was SO curious.

Marie Martin's avatar

😆😆😆😆😆😆😆

Wendymae's avatar

I googled him and was (not) surprised to learn he was charged with 3 previous incidents in October and New College still kept him on until 2 days ago. JFC.

Susan Niemann's avatar

STOP THE MADNESS. You cannot make this shit up. I mean, this is all true, right? The very concept of Musk Sperm makes me wanna puke. And, whatta pick up line: “to reach legion-level before the apocalypse” 😂😂😂😂 I just cant with America anymore. 🤦‍♀️

Susan Keefer's avatar

All of Trump’s people are fucking insane!

HI2thDoc's avatar

And stupid. Conspicuously stupid. Sec of Education doesn't know what AI is and calls it A1. Geezus criminy. How the fuck can you discuss a subject when you don't even know what the subject is?

Robert Eckert's avatar

How the fuck can you discuss education when you don't even know what education is?

Susan Niemann's avatar

Absolutely true. You cant make this shit up. 😳

Susan Keefer's avatar

Right! If you read this in a movie script you would think that it’s way over the top, but now it’s our reality.

I was thinking about the trip to Portugal to check it out, but now I’m afraid that I might not be allowed back in here. Things have gotten so out of control and it’s not even three months in. 😱

Susan Niemann's avatar

I’m going to Madrid/Tenerife on May 5th. I’m not sure I WANT to come back. 😂 We’ll see.

Susan Keefer's avatar

I hear you! Have a wonderful trip!! 😊

Robert Eckert's avatar

If I go to Portugal again it will be with the intention of not coming back, at least not until Pete or AOC or whoever replaces the current White House occupant.

Marsha Moseley's avatar

Reminds me of the Pol Pot regime.

Terri Nighswonger's avatar

Yes Susan. Rump’s crew are the dregs of our society.

mary's avatar

MuskRat is South African, not American.

Susan Niemann's avatar

Oh yes…I know. He needs to go back to South Africa.

Patrick Daniels aka Cromulent1's avatar

Sadly Susan, this insanity has been a focus of this odious cretin, since he became associated with the feckless orange fuck!!

Doreen Dalesandro's avatar

Did you feel it to, Susan? When I read that line, I got so hot I had to take a cold shower 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Liz and Max the No. 1 Cat's avatar

Really, if I had the money and didn't have a crippling fear of flying, I'd be out of here. Yes, I could go to Canada without having to fly, but I'm looking for someplace warm. I'd love Finland or Norway or one of those places if only they were further south. I've been thinking Spain or Portugal.

Ibby's avatar

He declines to pay a woman because she won't carry his baby? Is he soliciting prostitution?

Adrienne's avatar

Probably a good thing she decided against his offer; she’s not totally white 😮

Marie Martin's avatar

Yeah. He’s thinking of experimenting. Like Goebbels.

s.Michael Morgan's avatar

All I can say is that these are truly sick motherfuckers. We need to keep publicizing their doucheness. Thanks, Jeff.

Becky Daiss's avatar

No matter how much money he has or how much plastic surgery he undergoes, musk is and will remain the most unfuckable person on the planet.

Denise Donaldson's avatar

Umm....I dunno, Becky. I think it's a tie with the orange blob.

Becky Daiss's avatar

Yup. The thought occurred to me almost immediately after posting. Glad you pointed it out.

Denise Donaldson's avatar

And how sad is it that two such repulsive specimens have gotten anywhere near our government???

Yeah, I know: sexist comment....

DebJS's avatar

But it's not based on purely physical characteristics but far more on the ugliness of their character.

Denise Donaldson's avatar

Oh, yeah, the creepiness goes to the bone. And the smug superiority, and the cruelty....

But they're both physically repulsive, as well.

Karlene Escriba's avatar

Absolutely! Who looks at that loser and thinks “sure, we’d make beautiful babies!”🤮. I mean, there must be some really good looking rich guys you could mate with 🤷‍♀️

Douglas Paul Truhlar's avatar

His mother on the other hand is gorgeous, jus saying results are ambiguous it’s a crapshoot.

Rick A.'s avatar

Jeff, excellent column as always. This column is an all time champion on the creepy scale, however. These MAGA people, every single solitary one of them, are NUTS, but I truly believe Musk is the undisputed champion of that creepy, vulgar, disgusting subset of humanity. So much for the old cliche that certain things that are not said or done in polite and civilized society. Trump and his band of brothers and sisters have destroyed that “norm” too.

I was born in 1953, and people have for decades driven me CRAZY with the sanitized version of the 1950’s and a longing for our return to its supposed perfection. Never mind about the McCarthyites, the segregationists, racists, and worse. I would, however, welcome a return to the 1950’s and its high marginal tax rates for corporations and individuals. We could solve our deficits easier than you think!!

Keep it up in pointing out the vulgarity, cruelty and insanity of these lunatics. I have been waiting for ten years for the “normal” people supporting him to wake up. There really are millions who would never behave like this who still do drink the kool aid. I will never understand this madness. Never.

Doreen Dalesandro's avatar

Oh, yes, the fifties. Great times for women. What role models! All dressed up in dresses; cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, and of course, always answering to her husband’s every whim. Barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen. Yep, definitely great times for woman🤮

Terri Nighswonger's avatar

And terrible dress styles. Mame Eisenhower. And then ……. ENTER JACKLYN KENEDY !!!! Talk about show up ……

Doreen Dalesandro's avatar

Jackie was all the fashion rage. I will remember for a long time her pink pillbox hat and pink suit she was wearing when JFK was assassinated😢

Ethereal Fairy's avatar

Vacuuming in chiffon and pearls, while wearing high heels like Barbara Billingsly in "Leave it to Beaver."

Doreen Dalesandro's avatar

Exactly! Couldn’t possibly vacuum without pearls 😱

shee-rah's avatar

There were also house dresses, made for wearing around the house as you cooked, cleaned and took care of the kids.

CreakyKnees's avatar

My mom wore "slacks" but always with a season appropriate apron.

Doreen Dalesandro's avatar

My mom used to wear house dresses. No pearls🤓

shee-rah's avatar

When shopping with my mom when I was a kid, if she saw a junky, ugly dress, she’d say, “Echh! That looks like a house dress!” I wore pedal pushers. Girls didn’t wear jeans.

Doreen Dalesandro's avatar

When I grew up, girls were not allowed to wear pants to school, from kindergarten through 12th grade. This is public school. Yes, I am that old 🥴

shee-rah's avatar

True! I’m that old too.

Rick A.'s avatar

Doreen, glad I triggered the 50’s “feminine ideal” (and fashion) discussion. Yes, nostalgia can be a wonderful thing, but we are always remembering what never was and a time—-just like the present—that had lots of unfairness, injustice and yes, misogyny…….

Terri Nighswonger's avatar

Same here about the 50’s. Uggggg

JJR's avatar

Elon is on his way to Howard Hughesing his way to saving his urine, and other body excretions, in pop bottles..

Ethereal Fairy's avatar

I have thought that more than once, it just remains for the Mormons to stuff him in a vegas hotel room and steal most of his money.

DJ Headthrob's avatar

When my kids were much younger we took them to see Ringling Brothers Barnum & Bailey Circus at Madison Square Garden. A splendid time was had by all but their absolute favorite part was watching the guys with the large brooms sweep-up while following the elephants. How's THAT as a Trump administration metaphor? Look for that disgraced DeSantis dude to be named Doge Director of Protocol in the very near future.

DebJS's avatar

Astute observation, applies to Trump, Bush2, and Reagan (at least). An unfortunate (for Dems) result is people tend to forget how bad it really was after 4-8 years of Democratic administrations quietly and competently fixing what we inherited that Republicans broke.

DJ Headthrob's avatar

In complete agreement. They somehow cannot avoid that circular firing squad.

Wendy The Druid 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈🌈's avatar

I mean, Jack in the Box should do double duty as a sperm donor clinic for Elon Musk. Name would be perfect for him.

Thank you Jeff.

Here is our contribution today.

https://thistleandmoss.com/p/when-the-president-pisses-on-the

Anastasia Pantsios's avatar

Thank you for the photo of Fred Piccolo. I burst out laughing and I so needed a laugh this morning. He sure has serial killer vibes!

Doreen Dalesandro's avatar

Forget a dark alley, if I saw Piccolo in broad daylight I’d run as fast as I could in the other direction screaming 😱

Ethereal Fairy's avatar

so typical DeathSantis guy?

Fastball Fredo's avatar

Poor poor Elon, everyone ganging up on him..sad… well, he made an agreement with China to build his shitty cars outside of Shanghai and not keep the technology privileged, so the Chinese have built better EV’s using some of Elons technology. “Golf with MAGAS” Tuesday revolved around the Trump tax= tariffs. MAGAS thrust was that sure there will be some pain..objection! Not stated in his campaign… MAGAS say China will come to the table, America has all the cards.. Objection.. for those who don’t know, China is a major player in our bond market..if they want to screw America they can merely call in the debt… not a word after my bond statement… Best to All.

Mingo's avatar

I can't stand your MAGA golf buddies and I've never met them, but know that kool-aid swilling mindset. They must've gotten their Social Security checks so all is right in their world. No kvetching about their 401 K's yet? Our dotard president threw away all the cards and we have more to lose with the tariffs than China, while the dotard waits for Xi to call. Yes, you're right about the bond market and how China hold all those IOU's. It's called FAFO.

Douglas Paul Truhlar's avatar

US won’t admit the hole dug by tax cuts to rich, China owns us and has a military to do what they like. Not afraid of the US.

-Comment-'s avatar

“spermy multilevel marketing scheme” (chef’s kiss)

he also interacts with his other Xitter profiles.

Susan Keefer's avatar

I think I threw up in my mouth a little after reading about Leon. 🤢

Tama2U's avatar

I projectile vomited 🤮 in my head. Got my creep factor turned up to spew level on my first cup of coffee ☕️