what kind of shithole country lets a corrupt criminal run for president

spoiler alert: ours

as I’m writing this, Little Donny Fuckface and his ace team of parking garage lawyers are in a DC courtroom.

they are there to literally argue that presidents are above the law and therefore all the crimes that Donny did while presidenting aren’t really crimes and besides, Judge Chutkan sucks and she hates Donny and so this whole trial thing is bullshit and can Donny please be excused to just fly back down to his ramshackle Florida golf motel and crash more dipshit weddings? your honor, I rest my case.

no, seriously.

this argument is too stupid for words. no serious person believes that the framers of the Constitution intended for presidents to be as unaccountable as kings. we fought a whole fucking war about it, remember?

and yet, here we are.

why? because our system of justice allows it. if you are wealthy enough to keep paying lawyers — or if you can con your gullible worshipers into paying them for you — you can derail the simplest trial by appealing every fucking thing. it doesn’t matter how inane your argument is — just appeal the shit out of it and let the process play out.

Donald Trump has been gaming this system since forever. it’s been his business model all along — to cheat investors and stiff contractors and then use the courts to his advantage, to drag everything out until his opponents give up or go broke.

and now, Donald Trump has brought his business model into the political arena, hoping to use infinite appeals to delay all his trials until after November’s election, after which, once he’s crowned King Fuckface the First, he can direct Attorney General Stephen Miller to shitcan all prosecutions.

fortunately, judges and courts have grown wise to Trump’s games and have been speeding the process along as quickly as they can — but even ludicrous appeal can add a couple of weeks to the process. a week here, a week there, and it all adds up — and the election is just 42 weeks away.

so, to Trump and his lawyers, who gives a shit if the whole presidents can crime all they want thing gets laughed out of court? it’s already served its purpose — the Big DC Insurrection Fuckery Trial has been completely shut down while this appeal — and the inevitable appeal to the Supreme Court — play out.

and nowhere are Trump’s delay tactics working better than down in sunny fucked-up Florida, where Number One Fangirl Aileen Cannon is presiding over the Big Stolen Classified Documents Fuckery Trial. that trial has already been put off for months, with no starting date in sight, while she dreamily scrawls Mrs. Aileen Trump over and over — with a heart dotting the i in Aileen — across the cover of every document that Trump’s team has filed.

Trump, by the way, is already planning on wreaking revenge if he’s not granted immunity for his crimes.

Former President Donald Trump says federal courts better give him total immunity from criminal prosecution — or he'll go after Joe Biden if he wins this year.

“If I don't get Immunity, then Crooked Joe Biden doesn't get Immunity,” Trump wrote in an early-morning post on his social media site.

which brings us to the question raised in the title of this piece: what kind of shithole country lets a corrupt criminal hell-bent on settling scores run for president?

the sad answer is: ours.

why? because our founders assumed that their spiffy new system of government was going to be forever run by “honorable” people. the bewigged-and-powdered landed gentry who wrote the rules didn’t imagine that knaves and scoundrels would be allowed to rise to positions of power.

and so Tommy Paine and Benny Franklin and T-Jeff and all their homeys formed a government that leaned a lot on the honor system, with surprisingly few hard-and-fast laws regulating the conduct of elected officials.

they assumed every president was going to fit the mold of George Washington, choosing to set aside the trappings of royalty and voluntarily doing what’s best for the country.

they certainly never anticipated that an entire political party would fall under the spell of a 91-count criminal mob boss.

oh, you starry-eyed dreamers.

let me introduce you to Donald Trump, and his lawless band of Republican cutthroats.

folks, a word on a different subject before I let you go: we’re doing some quarterly fundraising at my other venture, The Smirking Chimp. I’m leery of even mentioning it because if you’re one of the people paying to support my own writing here, you’re already doing god’s work and you’re already doing more than enough to help out. but if you’ve got five dollars that you absolutely wouldn’t miss and you do feel like supporting the Chimp, well, that just makes you twice the hero. the donation link is here, or you can go straight to paypal if you need no further convincing. and if you don’t care to donate, that’s totally cool, too, and we will not speak of this again. in fact, we never had this conversation. thanks for listening and that’s it from me for now.