what in the actual fuck? how does Mike Johnson not have a bank account

there's a lot about Holy Mike that just doesn't add up

dweebish little factotum Holy Mike Johnson became House Speaker because he was standing in the right place — the corner of What About This Guy Street and Fine, Let’s Just Get It The Fuck Over With Avenue — at the right time.

nobody knew dick about the guy, except that he was some kind of god-mad religious fanatic.

but now the facts are starting to leak out and and holy shit, there’s a lot going on that makes no fucking sense at all.

first of all, how the fuck does Mike Johnson not have a bank account?

The Daily Beast reports that in financial disclosures dating back to 2016, the year he joined Congress, Johnson never reported having a savings or checking account in his name, his spouse’s name, or in the name of any of his children. In his latest filing, which covers last year, he doesn’t list a single asset either. Which, given that he made more than $200,000 last year—in addition to his wife’s salary—is more than a little odd.

think about that. Mike gets paid. what does he do with the check? does he go to a check-cashing place in one of DC’s skeevier neighborhoods?

seriously? a United States Representative? I don’t think so. how is Johnson paying his mortgage, in cash? please.

Holy Mike isn’t talking, so reporters are left to speculate.

Of course, it’s unlikely Johnson doesn’t actually have a bank account. What’s more likely is Johnson lives paycheck to paycheck—so much so that he doesn’t have enough money in his bank account to trigger the checking account disclosure rules for members of Congress.

House Ethics Committee filing guidelines state that members must disclose bank accounts they have at every financial institution, as long as the account holds at least $1,000 and the combined value of all accounts—including those belonging to their spouse and dependent children—exceeds $5,000.

except that explanation makes no sense, either.

It’s certainly not uncommon for Americans to have less than $5,000 in their bank account. Most Americans—57 percent—couldn’t handle an unexpected $1,000 expense, according to a report earlier this year. And the median amount that Americans keep in their bank account is $5,300. But Johnson’s household income puts him in the top 12 percent of earners in the United States. And it’s extraordinarily rare for members of Congress to not list a qualifying bank account—let alone zero assets whatsoever.

let’s do some basic math. the base salary of a US Rep is $174,000 a year, and reps get paid once a month.

twelve times a year, Mike get a check for roughly $14,500, minus taxes — let’s say that his take-home pay is $8,000/month. again, what does he do with that check? if he puts it in the bank, his balance instantly exceeds the disclosure minimum.

so why isn’t Mike disclosing a bank account? where is the money going?

“It’s strange to see Speaker Johnson disclose no assets,” Libowitz told The Daily Beast. “He made over $200,000 last year, and his wife took home salary from two employers as well, so why isn’t there a bank account or any form of savings listed?”

what the fuck is going on here?

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now let’s talk about Mike Johnson’s famous black son. here’s the story in a nutshell:

By the time he was 27 years old, Mike Johnson had not only tied the knot with his bride Kelly—a particularly tight knot called a “covenant marriage.”

He had also become a new Dad to a 14-year-old Black “son.”

How did that happen, you ask?

It was quite simple, actually.

He just “took custody."

What???

That's how they do things in Louisiana, I guess.

just like the bank story, holy shit, none of this makes sense.

27-year-old Mike adopted a 14-year-old boy, but he didn’t really adopt-adopt him, he “took custody.”

which, legally, is not a thing.

ok fine, let’s go with Mike’s story, he quote-unquote adopted this teenager, took him in, raised him, and … then what?

No African-American son shows up in any of the family photographs on Johnson’s House website or on his personal Facebook page. Nor does Michael figure anywhere in any of Johnson’s campaign biographies.

As I went further down this rabbit hole tonight I was a bit dumbfounded. Is Michael made up? Is he excluded from family pictures?

check out the Johnson family portrait. I don’t see a black son. do you see a black son?

just about the only time Holy Mike mentions is his “black son” is when he needs to use him as a Get Out Of Racism Free card.

A bit more poking around revealed that Michael also came up a year earlier in a House hearing on reparations in June 2019. Johnson opposed reparations and noted that his black son Michael did too.

so what the in the actual fuck is the real story here?

now if the Johnsons were sponsoring Michael through some kind of religious or charitable organization, that’s actually very admirable, and more power to them — but that’s in no way equivalent to an ‘adoption.’

there is not one speck of evidence that the Johnsons actually raised this now-40-year-old person.

so, again, what the fuck?

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there’s so much about Mike’s life that he doesn’t want us to know.

Then I learned that Johnson’s wife runs a Christian “counseling” service that equates homosexuality with bestiality and pedophilia, and that she has been busy scrubbing traces of this and of her podcast with her husband from the internet. And I thought, “Good luck with that.”

Oh wow, then there’s the fact that Johnson was named dean of a law school that never opened, whose namesake Judge Paul Pressler was (surprise, surprise) sued over sexual abuse by multiple men, and whose president was credibly accused of misappropriating funds. Huh.

sorry Mike, but all this was going to come out sooner than later.

are you really sure that putting yourself under the harsh glare of the House Speakership was the right move for a guy as sketchy as you seem to be?

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but that’s how it always goes with these flim flam fucksticks, they never quit while they’re ahead.

look at George Santos. he could have continued to fleece old ladies and swindle homeless veterans from here to breakfast. he could have kept changing his name and moving from state to state and country to country and chances were good that the authorities would have never caught up with him. but he had to run for one of the most highly-visible jobs in the world — US Representative — and now he’s facing 23 criminal counts and looking at serious prison time.

and what about that quadrice-indicted twice-impeached popular-vote-losing adderall-huffing insurrection-leading judge-threatening lawyer-ignoring witness-tampering disabled-veteran-dishonoring inheritance-squandering language-mangling serial-sexual-predating draft-dodging casino-bankrupting butler-bullying daughter-perving hush-money-paying real-estate-scamming bone-spur-faking ketchup-hurling justice-obstructing classified-war-plan-thieving golf-cheating weather-map-defacing horse-paste-promoting paper-towel-flinging tax-evading evidence-destroying charity-defrauding money-laundering bogus-university-running diaper-filling 91-count fluorescent tangerine fuckface down in Florida — if he’d only been content to keep on laundering Russian mob money and keep bribing the right prosecutors, right now he’d be happily cheating at golf without a care in the world.

but Little Donny Fuckface had to put himself under the world’s largest spotlight by running for president — all while continuing to crime up a storm — now, like Santos, he’s facing umpteen criminal counts and the real possibility of prison.

as a result, he’s spending his Sunday shitting his diaper in a panic over what the daughter he wants to quote-unquote “date” is going to be saying about him this week at the Big Trump Family Fraud Fuckery Trial.