welcome to these United States of Dumbfuckistan

what the hell just happened?

I’m still trying to process the events of the last 48 hours.

we all saw Kamala’s packed-to-the-rafters rallies. we read about the record amount of money she raised. the early-voting numbers were massive. we felt the excitement. it was electric.

and then, on Election Day, fifteen million Democrats decided ‘ehh, voting is too hard, I think I’ll tidy up my sock drawer’?

seriously? what the fuck?

how are there states — like North Carolina — where voters elected Democrats all up and down the ballot, and yet went for Donny for president? is it misogynoir? at the end of the day, are Democrats as racist and misogynistic as Republicans? they just couldn’t pull the lever for a Black woman?

or is Kamala Harris merely collateral damage in the global shift towards authoritarian governments?

or — is there a more sinister reason?

everyone has their own theory and nobody knows shit. I certainly haven’t a clue.

but there is one thing I am absolutely certain about: there are a whole lot of people right now who can fuck all the way off.

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let’s start with the gazillionaires.

Mark Zuckerberg can fuck all the way off.

“Congratulations to President Trump on a decisive victory. We have great opportunities ahead of us as a country. Looking forward to working with you and your administration.”

hold on, I just threw up in my mouth a little.

I suppose that Zuck’s post is basically billionaire-speak for “please don’t throw me in prison.”

Trump accused Zuckerberg of “plotting” against him during the 2020 election by “steering” Facebook against his campaign. Trump warned that if Zuckerberg were to do so again in the 2024 election, he would “spend the rest of his life in prison.”

seriously, though — what are the “great opportunities ahead of us as a country”? to experience first-hand what christofascist totalitarianism looks like? oh boy, I can’t wait.

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Jeff Bezos can fuck all the way off.

“Big congratulations to our 45th and now 47th President on an extraordinary political comeback and decisive victory. No nation has bigger opportunities. Wishing all success in leading and uniting the America we all love.”

congratulations to Bezos for making Zuckerberg’s brown-nosing seem restrained by comparison.

is there some alternate billionaire universe where Donny — the perpetual-motion grievance-factory who calls Democrats “the enemy within” and openly vows to imprison them — is seen as a “uniter”?

or is all this sucking up just about government contracts for Bezos’s dick-shaped rockets? wait, I think I just answered my own question.

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the New York Times can fuck all the way off.

what kind of magical, everybody-gets-a-pony thinking is this? just fucking stop it.

did Ezra Klein and Ross Douthat both experience some kind of recent head trauma that has caused them to forget the years 2017 through 2020? Donny’s first presidency was a dumpster fire of corruption, mismanagement and mass death — but somehow now, given a second chance to fuck shit up worse, Donny’s going to bring us an “American renewal”?

for fuck’s sake, media, stop telling us that Donny’s going to somehow become “presidential.” it never happened in the first four years and it’s not going to happen now.

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this guy can fuck all the way off.

you dumb-ass, we fucking told you for weeks not to do this. we patiently explained that every vote against Kamala was a vote for Donny. thanks for not listening. you’ve been a big fucking help.

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anybody who tries to tell you this can fuck all the way off.

not today. we’re not in the mood.

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Glitchy Mitch McTurtlehump can fuck all the way off.

Glitch could have ended this bullshit four years ago. he could have voted to convict Donny when Congress impeached him for trying to insurrect the shit out of his own government — and he could have whipped enough of his GOP Senate colleagues to join him in a majority vote. if the Senate had convicted Donny, he would have been constitutionally forbidden from ever holding office again.

but in the end, Glitch wimped out, and said it was up to the judicial system to hold Donny accountable.

oh yeah, leaving it up to the judicial system has worked out just swimmingly. speaking of which —

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Merrick Garland can fuck all the way off.

Merrick sat on his ass for two whole years and did nothing about bringing Donny to justice — not until the January 6th Committee embarrassed him into finally appointing Jack Smith as Special Counsel.

two years wasted. all the shit that’s tied up in court right now — the Big Trump DC Insurrection Fuckery Trial and the Big Trump Stolen Documents Fuckery Trial — could have worked their way through Donny’s delay tactics and been over — with guilty verdicts — already.

and now that Donny Convict is once again going to be a Very Special Boy With Presidential Immunity —

Trump recently said he would fire special counsel Jack Smith “within two seconds” after he returned to the White House. Now, that won’t be necessary to bring his federal criminal troubles to an end.

Smith is taking steps to end both federal cases against Trump before the president-elect takes office, according to a source familiar with the Justice Department deliberations.

sigh. you really can’t blame The Man Who Convicts War Criminals in The Hague, though — I’d rather quit than be fired, too.

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lastly, folks, please practice self-care.

a lot of people are tuning out right now. yesterday, I got a record number of subscription cancellations. ‘I just can’t do this anymore,’ I kept hearing — and I’m not the only writer experiencing this.

I get it, I really do. if changing the channel is what keeps you sane, who am I to quibble?

on the other hand, yesterday’s post — what the fuck, America? — brought me a near-record number of new signups. and to you folks, I say welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.