useless pantload Jim Jordan wants to be Speaker of the House. it would be a fucking disaster

does Jim Jordan know how a bill becomes a law? does he even care?

oh for fuck’s sake, shouty half-dressed degenerate wrestling coach Jim Jordan wants to be the next Speaker of the House. what a twenty-megaton fucking disaster that would be.

we’ve all seen him strutting around like some fucked-up barnyard banty rooster, pointing his finger while he excitedly squawks about who the fuck even knows or cares. imagine this gibbering gibbon brandishing the Speaker’s gavel like some over-amped shirtsleeve Thor.

Jim Jordan is the worst possible pick for Speaker of the House. let’s us count the ways.

one: Jim Jordan fucking suuuuuuuuuucks.

nobody likes Jim Jordan. he’s so unpleasant. he never speak in a conversational tone of voice — everything a high-volume spittle-flecked barrage. the only reason he’s in office in the first place is that his district is so heavily gerrymandered that it resembles an amoeba splattered against a wall.

it’s like they drew the map by going door-to-door and asking the voters of Ohio, “would you vote for this dipshit?” Jordan would never win a fair election against a normal human being.

two: Jim Jordan doesn’t give a fuck about governing.

Jordan has been a US Representative since 2007. that’s sixteen years. in all the time, do you know how many bills Jim has authored? take a guess. I’ll give you a hint: it’s a number between zero and zero.

what the fuck does Jim Jordan do with his days, when he’s not sticking his unpleasant face in front of a camera?

does Jordan even know how a bill becomes a law? does he even care?

Jim Jordan is a hyperpartisan shitbag. as Speaker, would he ever going to reach across the aisle for anything? no, he would not.

three: Jim Jordan doesn’t give a fuck about the law.

back in the 1990s, Jim was a wrestling coach at Ohio State University.

it was a totally awesome time for everybody. oh wait, no it wasn’t. it was only an awesome time for the team doctor who was molesting Jordan’s wrestlers. “Coach Jordan,” asked the students, “can you please do something about all the sexual assaulting?” Jim pretty much told them that he hadn’t seen anything and then chased them out of his office.

nice guy, eh?

four: Jim Jordan lives in a spite-fueled fantasy world.

Jim Jordan has no idea what goes on in the real world. he has no idea what average Americans want or need, and he has no interest in finding out.

Jim knows what he knows, and no one is going to change his mind. that’s because he’s a charter member of the Wingnut Grievance Bubble, that enclosed feedback loop where lies, repugnant behavior and harebrained notions are amplified and go unchallenged.

Jordan has no interest in the truth. he has no interest in evidence, or proof. all he cares about is having his stupid insipid face show up on Fox News night after night.

finally, five: Little Donny Fuckface is endorsing Jim Jordan for House Speaker.

why would Trump do this? something smells fishy as fuck here. what handshake deal did they make? is it something about the 2024 election? what kind of fuckery did Jordan agree to? because you know that Trump doesn’t do anything for anyone unless he gets something in return.

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Jim Jordan is perfectly suited to be a shit-flinging back-bench nihilist. he’s arrogant, he’s ignorant, he’s dumb as fuck, and he has the supreme confidence of a mediocre white man. but please, don’t let this asshole anywhere near the Speaker’s gavel.

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now it’s time for some schadenfreude quick hits

— failed casino operator Donald Trump never shuts the fuck up about how his smelly vermin-infested Florida golf motel is worth a thousandy godzillion dollars.

fine, says Florida Rep. Jared Moskowitz, if Trump thinks his crappy motel is worth that much, let him pay property taxes on that amount — and so Rep. Moskowitz has written a letter to the Palm Beach County tax appraiser.

“Between 2011 and 2021, you value the Mar-a-Lago property between $18 million and $28 million,” Moskowitz wrote in the letter to the Palm Beach County appraiser.

“Mar-a-Lago was listed as worth $490 million in financial documents given to banks,” he wrote. “If the property value of Mar-a-Lago is so much higher than it was appraised, will you be amending the property value in line with the Trump family’s belief that the property is worth well over a billion dollars?”

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— noted election integrity expert Rudy Colludy’s life continues to fall the fuck to pieces. on top of all the criming and the buffoonery and the sexual assault, it seems that Rudy is also a bit of a tax evader, and the IRS has finally caught up to him.

A property owned by Rudy Giuliani in Palm Beach, Florida, has been placed under a federal tax lien by the Internal Revenue Service as he owes more than a half-million dollars in unpaid income taxes, according to a court filing.

The tax lien for $549,435.26, which was recorded in Palm Beach County on September 1, is the latest sign of Giuliani’s financial struggles as he faces millions of dollars in legal bills amid a number of lawsuits and criminal charges. The former New York City mayor has publicly mentioned in court his struggle to pay for mounting legal fees and adverse court decisions, while even more are expected to pile up in the future.

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— part-time chopped-foam pillow salesman and full-time conspiracy moron Mike Lindell is a fucking deadbeat who is being sued by the lawyers he won’t pay.

In a new court filing, MyPillow Chief Executive Officer Mike Lindell's lawyers claim the right-wing conspiracy theorist and his company are “months behind” on legal bills, and that they “can no longer afford to represent him,” NBC News reports.

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— let’s give the final word to Letitia James, because Letitia James fucking rules, and she absolutely refuses to take shit from anybody.

“the defendants like to act as though this case is very complicated, when in fact the fraud they committed is simple. Donald Trump often calls his business ‘perfect’ and ‘beautiful’ — but it’s clear that when it comes to running a company, he doesn’t care about real numbers or facts. he is more interested in personal attacks and distractions. the reality is: under our system of law, the facts matter, and we will continue to make our case in court.”

the facts matter. finally. fuck yes.

folks, a word on a different subject before I let you go: we’re doing some quarterly fundraising at my other venture, The Smirking Chimp. I’m leery of even mentioning it because if you’re one of the people paying to support my own writing here, you’re already doing god’s work and you’re already doing more than enough to help out. but if you’ve got five dollars that you absolutely wouldn’t miss and you do feel like supporting the Chimp, well, that just makes you twice the hero. the donation link is here, or you can go straight to paypal if you need no further convincing. and if you don’t care to donate, that’s totally cool, too, and we will not speak of this again. in fact, we never had this conversation. thanks for listening and that’s it from me for now.