three cheers for Defiant Democrats like JB Pritzker

it’s time to stand up to Donny’s clown-car caucus

last week, after the lowest-information voters in the universe clownfucked themselves into a second Donny Convict presidency, it was heartening to see Democratic leadership stand up to announce that ‘we won’t obey in advance.’

Governors like California’s Gavin Newsom, IIllinois’ JB Pritzker, and Massachusetts’ Maura Healey announced they would be ‘Trump-proofing’ their states, and also actively blocking any attempt by Donny’s Playskool Gestapo to use local law enforcement to round up and detain millions of immigrants.

yesterday, JB Pritzger reiterated his pledge to defy.

“we also want to make sure that there isn’t a violation of peoples’ rights with raids, for example, that are done in coordination with local law enforcement — on people who are, frankly, holding down jobs and have been in this country for many, many years. we think that’s improper, and in Illinois, that’s not something that we would condone. there’s been some talk about using other states’ National Guards, red state National Guards, to somehow come into a blue state and try to enforce these new, Stephen-Miller-inspired rules, and that’s something that we’re just not going to accept.”

good. we’re going to need a double-shitload of leaders like JB — because for the foreseeable future, it’s going to be Defiant Dems vs the Confederacy of Sewer Clowns.

yesterday, Donny nominated Botox-Gone-Wrong-Poster-Boy Matt Gaetz to be Secretary of Driving Teenage Girls Across State Lines for Drug-Fueled Orgies.

no, wait. that can’t be right. let me check my notes again.

oh fuck, it’s a thousand times worse that than. Donny nominated Gaetz to be Attorney General.

so, a guy who was investigated by the DOJ and came within a whisker of being indicted for actual crimes is now — if Donny gets his way — going to head the DOJ. that’s almost as unimaginable as a convicted felon and adjudicated rapist being elected president. we really do live in the worst possible timeline.

it’s fucking maddening when our side picks a guy like Merrick Garland who slow-walks investigations into legit crimes — because he’s oh-so-careful to avoid the appearance of being political — and then their side installs a toady who, the second Donny screams at him to arrest Adam Schiff, will start polishing his handcuffs.

did you notice how no one saw Gaetz’s nomination coming? everybody — Democrats, Republicans, the media — was blindsided about the announcement. he wasn’t on anybody’s list of possible candidates. in fact, the speculation had been that Matthew Whitaker — the Big Dick Toilet Salesman who was Donny’s Acting Attorney General after Jeff Sessions was forced out — was the likeliest choice.

by the way, I’m not joking about Matt Whitaker selling Big Dick Toilets.

In November 2014, a Miami Beach-based firm, World Patent Marketing, announced the “marketing launch” of a “MASCULINE TOILET,” which boasted a specially designed bowl to help “well-endowed men” avoid unwanted contact with porcelain or water. “The average male genitalia is between 5″ and 6″,” the firm’s press release said. “However, this invention is designed for those of us who measure longer than that.” In the same release, World Patent Marketing also touted the recent appointment of “Matthew G. Whitaker, former Iowa US Attorney and Republican candidate for United States Senate to the company’s advisory board.”

Arnold Palmer was not available for comment.

anyway, Matt Gaetz has zero qualifications.

Gaetz, a 42-year-old congressman from Florida, has zero qualifications for being the highest law enforcement official in the land. He has never been a government attorney, never been a judge, never taught law or burnished his legal standing in any way.

oh, here’s a fun true fact about Botox Matt:

Trump’s pick for Attorney General, Matt Gaetz, has been unable to practice law in Florida three times over the past five years due to failure to pay dues and failure to affirm compliance with trust account rules.

a deadbeat scofflaw is just the kind of bro you want as America’s top law-enforcement dude.

so why did Donny seemingly pull Gaetz’s name out of a hat?

I have a theory, and I’m not alone.

it’s both a loyalty test, and a fuck you to Senate Republicans.

the Senate GOP gathered yesterday morning to pick a new Majority Leader. Donny’s hand-picked candidate — the MAGA-friendly Rick Scott — was soundly defeated in the first round of voting.

not minutes later, everyone’s phones blew up with the announcement that Big Botox Matt was to be Donny’s AG.

why? because Donny, handed a ketchup bottle by the ever-helpful Space Nazi, hurled it at the wall and shouted well fuck you, then, enjoy confirming Matt Gaetz — because that’s how fascism works when Dear Leader is an impulsive, thin-skinned grievance-baby.

so, will the GOP obey in advance and confirm the most-unqualified AG pick ever? let’s ask Senator Markwayne Mullin.

thanks, Markwayne. you’re a real profile in courage.

ok, let’s ask Senator Susan Collins.

“I’m sure that there will be a lot of questions raised at his hearing.”

oh great, Really Concerned Susan’s going to ask questions — and then announce with great fanfare that Matt Gaetz has learned his lesson and he’ll never drive teenage girls across state lines for drug-fueled orgies again.

oh, and speaking of those ahem allegations of drug-fueled orgies —

A report from the House Ethics Committee investigating allegations of drug use and sex with a minor was due to be released in days. Although he was reelected just last week, Gaetz resigned immediately after Trump said he would nominate him, thus short-circuiting the release of the report.

Lisa Murkowski is a hard no.

When an NBC reporter informed Alaska Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R) of Trump’s pick, her reaction was a simple, “Wow.” Asked for further comment, she said, “I just said, ‘Wow.'” She then told reporters she doesn’t see Gaetz as a “serious” pick, adding, “We need a serious attorney general. I’m looking forward to the opportunity to consider somebody that is serious. ….This one was not on my bingo card.”

GOP Rep Mike Simpson speaks for all of us.

Rep. Mike Simpson (R-Idaho) was slightly more explicit; when asked for his reaction by a HuffPost reporter, he said, point-blank, “Are you shittin’ me?”

this would all be hilarious if it weren’t totally fucking terrifying.

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Chuck Fucking Todd can fuck off all the way to Fuckoffistan — and when he gets there, he can keep fucking off until he achieves escape velocity and heads towards the sun.

“These confirmation hearings may just save cable TV for the short term.”

yup, the shitcanning of democracy may be a terrible thing for Americans, but it’s going to be awesome for ratings.

fuck you, Chuck.

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from the Department of You Can’t Make This Shit Up, here’s some news that broke as I was finishing up this post.

The fate of far-right website Infowars will be controlled by the Onion after the satirical news site emerged as the winning bidder of Wednesday’s private auction of the media company founded by conspiracy theorist Alex Jones.

The auction win gives the Onion control of Infowars’ website, archive, mailing list and production equipment, among other assets, ending Jones’s control of the media company after 25 years.

so, a story about the Onion that sounds like something from the Onion.

this may be the weirdest thing you read all day — but don’t count on it. Donny hasn’t announced any of today’s Cabinet appointments yet.

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.