this year in stupid: 2023 — part 3
a three-part look back at the dumbest shit that happened
as another stupid year comes to a close in America, let’s remember some of the lowlights.
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October 1: uhhhhhhhhhh
on Sunday, future convict Donald Trump held a hate-rally in Iowa and his dimwit worshipers clearly brought their A-games. here we have some fringe-channel right-wing reporter catching up with three staunch trumpanzees, and their repartee is something to behold.
“what are you looking forward to hearing today?”
“what do you want Trump to do in a second term?”
it’s a shame that Joe Biden’s hellish economy is in such poor shape that these three hard-working Americans — the salt of the earth — are being forced to share one brain cell.
stock up on Xanax early, it’s going to be a long fucking campaign season.
October 4: a new kind of shotgun wedding
so, this happened:
His plan involved shooting a blank from a revolver into the air to signal to the roughly 200 people gathered on Saturday that the outdoor ceremony, which he was officiating, was about to begin. But when Gardner cocked back the hammer of the gun, it slipped, and the homemade blank that he had used, which was closed off with glue, fired from the Pietta 1860 snub-nose revolver that he had borrowed, he said.
As the bride was about to walk down the aisle, what was supposed to be a day of love in Denton, Neb., turned into one of unexpected panic: The wedding officiant accidentally shot his 12-year-old grandson in the shoulder.
wait, that’s not the stupid part — that’s the tragic part.
this is the stupid part:
Despite the shooting, Gardner finished officiating the wedding.
just another day in the United States of Guntopia.
October 10: not familiar with the source material
Nancy Mace broke new ground in performative fucknuttery on Tuesday, when she proudly pranced about the halls of Congress with a big scarlet A plastered all over her shirt.
why was she doing this? because woman, that’s why. Nancy was having a Big Mad because some of her fellow R’s were displeased by her vote to oust Kevin McCarthy.
Nancy wants everyone to understand that she is a woman who will not be pushed around — and there’s no better way to get that message across by making yourself the object of ridicule.
who the fuck let her do this? does her own staff hate her? did none of them take her aside and explain the plot of The Scarlet Letter to her, and that the A stands for adulteress?
October 18: this t-shirt goes up to eleven
cool t-shirt, bro, what’s it all about?
“never surrender to the tie-runny.”
what is Trump doing here on the shirt?
“this is his mug shot.”
so that was taken when he surrendered to the authorities to have his picture taken.
*confused pause* “huh? it says ‘never surrender’ but —”
is that on the back? is the ‘but’ on the back? let me see the back.
“I think it’s just Trump.”
it’s just Trump. so where is the ‘but’ part? that’s implied?
I timed it. holy shit, that pause before the “huh?” is a full five seconds. that’s hall-of-fame-level slack-jawed befuddlement right there.
it’s up there with …
October 19: BURN HER BURN HER
as a person old enough to receive medicare, I am officially excused from knowing anything at all about Taylor Swift. I’ve never heard her sing. put a gun to my head, I couldn’t name one of her songs. I probably couldn’t pick her out of a lineup.
the only thing I know about Taylor Swift is that she drives wingnuts insane with rage, and that’s good enough for me.
folks, did you know that Swift is a witch?
apparently, Taylor said this:
“I've been watching videos of you guys in the theaters dancing and prancing and recreating choreography, creating inside jokes, casting spells, getting engaged, and just generally creating the exact type of joyful chaos we’re known for.”
and that was all the howler-monkeys needed to get out the torches and the pitchforks.
dear readers, I hate to tell you this, but I have proof that Taylor Swift is a witch.
she turned me into a newt.
and oh, by the way, it’s millstone, not milestone, you dozy dimwit.
October 22: feel the Pencementum!
“hey Myrtle, who is this guy?”
“how should I know, Fred?”
“can’t a guy wait for his prescription in peace? why is he talking?”
“be polite, Fred, he seems nice.”
“hey Myrtle, isn’t this the guy from the gutter cleaning commercials on TV?”
“now that you mention it, Fred, he does look familiar.”
“oh shit, he’s going to try to sell us a time-share, isn’t he.”
“now Fred, remember what the doctor said about your blood pressure.”
“don’t worry about my blood pressure, Myrtle, this guy is putting me right the fuck to sleep.”
October 25: speaking of useless parasites …
there’s stupid, there’s really stupid, there’s totally fucking stupid, and then there’s Susan Collins.
hey Suze, has Donald Trump learned his lesson yet?
October 31: it’s like taking candy from a hacky ideologue
wingnuts have one tired joke that they can’t stop making every Halloween, and it goes something like this: I’m confiscating my kid’s candy to teach her about the evils of socialism/taxes/liberalism/whatever.
here’s Individual-1 Junior wearing out this joke’s welcome back in 2017:
it’s hard to believe that father-of-the-year Don Jr. is now a divorced adulterous substance abuser.
this year it was convicted felon Dinesh D’Souza’s turn to bore us all to tears.
wait a minute, does D’Ipshit actually believe that there are children who skip Halloween out of laziness?
shut the fuck up, Dinesh.
here’s a fun thing you can do next Halloween: take your kid’s candy and donate it to Donald Trump’s legal defense fund, so you can teach little Virgil Jr. a lesson about what a gullible rube you are.
November 2: what’s a crappy lawyer like you doing in a courtroom like this?
Thursday was Individual-1 Junior’s day to testify at the Trump Family Big Fraud Fuckery Trial, and he wasted no time at all making everyone cringe.
and exhibit B: what the fuck is this?
is he … flirting with the parking garage lawyer? ew.
does Cokey McSniffles think he’s in a bar at 1:30 in the morning? did he just invite Alina to sneak off to the bathroom to snort a few rails and, y’know, do whatever?
November 6: sporkpocalypse!
it’s a Marjorie Three-Toed Meltdown!
Marge, still carrying a grudge over being booted the fuck out of the Freedom Caucus, and stinging from last week’s failure to censure Rashida Tlaib, is out for blood.
Marjorie Taylor Greene already suggesting Speaker Mike Johnson 'should be ousted'
Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) is taking aim at her party's new speaker of the House, Rep. Mike Johnson (R-LA).
we also learned another fun thing about Congresswoman Sporkfoot:
Greene has resorted to a playbook familiar to any woman who survived high school: She’s telling GOP colleagues, according to lawmakers, that Boebert is a “whore.”
One Republican lawmaker, who has heard Greene use that word multiple times to describe Boebert, told The Daily Beast that Greene has been at this campaign for some time.
“Calling her a whore, that’s not new,” this GOP lawmaker said. “She’s been doing that for a while.”
pro tip for Georgia voters: if you elect a clown, don’t act surprised when you end up with a fucking circus.
November 8: wut
holy shit, what the fuck is that maniac Joe Biden up to now? he’s unleashing bears?
oh wait, it’s Fox News. you had us going with the Cyborg Obama thing, but we’re not clicking on this bait.
go home, Jeanine Pirro, you’re drunk.
November 12: keep on fucking that chicken, Ronna
hey, remember a couple of weeks ago, when Republicans ran on a platform of forced birth and got totally fucking slaughtered at the ballot box? that was pretty fun, right?
it really does take a special kind of stupid to be on the wrong end of that electoral drubbing and conclude that we need to be forcing birth harder.
Republicans were all over the Sunday shows this past week, talking about how they can absolutely win by shouting even louder about how much they want to take away women’s rights.
here’s Ronna McDaniel on Meet the Press:
“I’m proud to be a pro-life party. we can win on this message. the American people are where we are, and they want common sense limitations, they want more access to adoption, we want to make sure that there are pregnancy crisis centers. these are things we can win on. but we have to talk about it, and you can’t hide in a corner and think that abortion’s not going to be an issue.”
a personal plea to every Republican who refuses to stop fucking this particular chicken: yes, keep right on at it. never stop.
enjoy getting reamed at the polls next year.
November 23: inebriated trainwreck says what
hey Rudy, whatcha doing?
“my podcast, why?”
cool fireplace, bro.
“you were fooled, right? actually it’s not a real fireplace. it’s just a backdrop I put up on my TV.”
no shit, sherlock. a chimpanzee could have figured that out in two seconds. it looks phony as fuck. and guess what, drunkie: your stupid head looks like it’s on fire.
“wait, how did you get in here? Noelle, call security.”
Noelle Dunphy doesn’t work for you any more, you addlepated tosspot. remember? she quit and then sued you for sexual assault.
“so many lawsuits, how am I supposed to remember which one is which? [passes out, drunk]”
November 24: asshole says what
nothing good ever comes from a paragraph that begins “Brian Kilmeade was on Charlie Kirk’s show,” and this one is no exception.
Brian was on Charlie’ show to shill for his new book, and also to tell everyone to shut the fuck up and stop whining about slavery.
“without slave owners we don’t have a country.”
to which we say:
November 26: whatever it is, I’m against it
hey Siri, show me a perfect encapsulation of conservative ignorance and intolerance wrapped up in a tidy 28-second video.
“and what is critical race theory?”
“well, I’m not going to get into the specifics of it because I don’t understand it that much, but it’s something that I don’t … what little bit that I know, I don’t care for.”
“and what have you heard that you don’t like?”
“well, I’m not gonna … I … I … you know … I don’t, uh … I don’t have that much knowledge on it, but it’s something I’m not … that I don’t care for.”
stand up and take a bow, Fox News, ace job turning an entire generation of impressionable doofuses into angry jackasses who hate what they’re told to hate and never ask why.
November 30: new Biden scandal drops
oh my god, this is the worst thing to happen to America since Obama wore a tan suit.
Fox News has the goods on the latest foul deed to come out of the Biden Crime Family.
are you ready for it? here it is:
Sleepy Joe drank a milkshake with a straw.
what a nancy-boy. what a goddamned wimp.
everyone knows that real men consume liquids with gusto. toss your head back and fucking guzzle that shit, honcho.
just ask that apex exemplar of masculinity, Donald Trump.
December 5: day one dipshit
91-count felony factory Little Donny Diaperstain held a Fox News town hall, hosted by Chief Trump Apologist Sean Hannity.
Hannity dutifully did his job, which was to gently lob softball questions right down the middle of the plate.
“you would never abuse power as retribution against anybody.”
Donny did his job, which was to completely muff it, in the stupidest way possible:
“except for day one.”
ah yes, the Day One Dictator, which is definitely a thing we’ve seen throughout history. remember how Pol Pot and Josef Stalin both famously promised to be one-day-only dictators?
of course you don’t.
the super fucking hilarious part is that every other Fox show had to take Trump’s moronic brain fart seriously. here was the crawl on the Fox Business channel throughout the following day:
“Trump can dictate me on day one,” mumbles Jeanine Pirro, passed out face-down in her mashed potatoes.
December 12: a fool and their money are soon Trump supporters
holy shit, Day One Diaperload is so shameless — or broke, or both — that he’s now selling off pieces of the alleged shitty suit that he wore to his Georgia arraignment.
PT Barnum famously said that there’s a sucker born every minute. but if old PT had lived long enough meet a Trump worshiper, he’d have revised that to “every ten seconds.”
because, sure as shit, you just know that these stupid tatters of cloth are going to sell out in a heartbeat — if they haven’t already.
Trumpsters, can we talk for just a minute? how fucking dumb are you? if you actually think you’re going to get a snippet of an actual suit Trump wore, and not some random piece of blue cloth that Trump’s pool boy picked up at Walmart, I have six bankrupt casinos in Atlantic City to sell you.
December 18: we were so poor we had to enslave granny
McYokel has been carrying a grudge for the last 158 years, and he’s not afraid to tell you all about it.
you see, this dude’s family was too poor to own slaves. they totally missed out on that sweet, sweet getting-rich-off-the-forced-labor-of-people-you-own thing.
“do you know how much a slave cost back then?”
December 22: jingle bells, Donny smells
there’s a rumor going around that to stand downwind from Little Donny Fuckface is to risk getting a pungent noseful of overripe diaper.
#TrumpSmells trended on not-twitter all of Friday.
is it true?
well, check out these photos. like the man says, we report — you decide.
have a non-stupid New Year’s Eve, everyone!
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