this year in stupid: 2023 — part 1
a three-part look back at the dumbest shit that happened
as another stupid year comes to a close in America, let’s remember some of the lowlights.
note: I didn’t start compiling “this week in stupid” until the middle of March, so we’re going to pretend that the first ten weeks of 2023 never happened.
also note: this is a long post. some email apps — gmail in particular — may truncate it. if this happens to you, click “view entire message” or “view in browser” or go here to see the entire post.
March 15: Marjorie Three Toes plays “are you dumber than a bag of dirt” and loses
long story short: border agents found a bag at the border. they opened the bag. it was full of dirt. end of story, right?
WRONG.
Marjorie Taylor Greene, synapes struggling mightily to connect with one another, dove head-first into the situation and refused to take “it’s a fucking bag of dirt, Marge” for an answer.
Congresswoman Sporkfoot remains stubbornly convinced that the bag of dirt is actually an “explosive device” left by “the cartels,” and so she spent the day arguing with the chief of the border patrol. it was a story so stupid that even Fox News had to debunk it.
March 19: drag performers beat the shit out of proud boys
oh, this is going to be a fucking piece of cake, thought the proud boys. let’s go to one of these Drag Queen Story Hours and fuck their girlyman shit right up.
the proud boys made one tactical mistake. they chose a Drag Queen Story Hour in New York City.
spoiler alert: things did not go well for the proud boys.
in their own words: “I came here to help, not get the shit beat out of me.”
but, the shit beat out of them is what they got, by men wearing dresses. and the icing on the cake? the proud boys got fucking arrested, too.
welcome to New York, jackasses. not so proud now, are you.
March 23: pudding-gate comes for Ron DeSantis
very cool, very normal, very relatable and definitely-not-a-lizard-creature-from-outer-space-wearing-an-ill-fitting-human-skin-suit Ron DeSantis would very much like you to know the he absolutely does not and would never ever ever ever ever use his weird how-do-these-work human digits to dig delicious snack food out of a cup and use those same fingers to guide this yummy nutrition into the noise-hole on his what was that called again? oh yeah — face.
perfectly normal.
March 30: area moron gets indicted, can’t spell indicted
Jesus wept. actually, Jesus didn’t weep. Jesus laughed his balls off as Donald Trump took to his shitty app to complain about getting indicated.
April 2: 60 Minutes beclowns itself by treating Marjorie Three Toes Fuckface like a serious person
who thought this was a good idea?
I mean, what in actual fuck?
In it, Stahl asked Greene about her claim that Democrats are pedophiles. Greene didn’t back down.
“I would definitely say so,” she said. “They support grooming children.”
legitimizing this woman is stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid. hall of fame stupid. extinction-level event stupid.
the good news: it was a fucking loser in the ratings. it was the television equivalent of a Mike Pence candidacy. nobody on the right was going to watch 60 Minutes and no one on the left is going to tolerate Sporky on their screens. so who ended up watching it? almost nobody.
April 10: piss guzzler stoked for chance to meet Donald Trump
meet Christopher Key.
Christopher Key drinks his own piss.
Key is also a QAnon dipshit and an anti-vaxer. and Key has a bone to pick with Donald Trump, because in Key’s piss-soaked mind, Donald Trump is not sufficiently anti-vax.
Key was so angry with Trump that he entered a “win a dinner with Donald Trump” contest in the hopes that he would get a chance to tell the former president off in person.
the contest had a $500 entry fee, which Key eagerly paid.
but of course these “dinner with Trump” contests are scams. there’s never a winner. Key could have pissed on five hundred-dollar bills and eaten them and gotten the same result.
enjoy your piss, Chris.
April 17: this fucking idiot
ugh. how does this unreliable fuckface even have a following.
April 18: Oklahoma sheriff and county officials get all misty-eyed while reminiscing about lynchings
if you pitched a movie about an Oklahoma sheriff and his county cronies openly discussing how much they miss the good old days when you could lynch a black man just for looking at you funny, and then threw in some dialog about hiring a hit man to kill annoying reporters, you’d get thrown out of every studio in Hollywood, because that shit is way too over the top to be believable.
except for the part where it actually happened.
oh dear.
April 24: Missouri’s brand-new ‘trans snitch hotline’ gets spammed all to fuck
the government of Missouri had a bright idea: transgendered people aren’t being persecuted enough. let’s make it easier to single them out for abuse. and so they created a web form where concerned people complete fucking busybodies could rat on their neighbors.
decent citizens everywhere had a better idea: let’s fuck this war crime right into the fucking ground.
and so they flooded the hotline with bogus reports. and it was fucking glorious.
pranksters flooded the snitch form with so much hilarious garbage that it had to be shut down.
more like this, please.
May 1: gay porn isn’t this gay
sometimes the fan art produced by Donald Trump’s worshipers reveals more about their own subconscious desires than they realize. wait, did I say ‘sometimes’? I meant every fucking time.
but leaving the obvious subtext aside, what the fuck is going on in this image?
Donald Trump is wearing brown trousers with a torn knee, but he has his underwear on over his trousers?
I have more questions, but I don’t think there are any answers.
May 4: the stupidest fucking moron in the entire history of the universe and the greasiest lawyer in the entire history of the universe can’t get their stories straight
Donald Trump melted the fuck down on Thursday and claimed he was rushing home from his trip to Ireland because he needs to “confront this woman” in court.
asked if this was happening, ace lawyer Joey Taco Penis replied “no.”
but don’t you wish it were true? I would pay serious money to watch Trump completely lose his shit under oath on the witness stand.
we could probably eliminate the national debt by selling tickets to it.
May 11: very stupid bloviators yodeled out of existence by very smart protester
I confess, I don’t know who these congresspeople are. I lifted this video from a tweet by Brian Tyler Cohen.
what I do know is that they’re your typical garden-variety Republicans, yammering on about their precious border wall.
behind them is … well, let’s just say that not all heroes wear capes. some of them yodel into a megaphone. and our hero is unrelenting. the dipshit Republicans are overmatched and eventually give up.
Unknown Yodeling Hero, a weary nation offers its thanks.
I have a question for the commenters: is the woman on the right trying to stifle a laugh?
May 15: Canada is here and it’s coming to fuck your shit
wingnuts are the gift that keeps on giving. every day they find something new to get worked up about. it doesn’t matter how totally fucking ludicrous it is. one day it’s mermaids. another day it’s … Canada?
yes, Canada.
on Tuesday, the entire wingnut outrage-industrial complex had a complete fucking meltdown over the Canadian province of Alberta becoming America’s 51st state.
never mind that the entire story is a nothingburger that revolves around a half-dozen no-influence Canadian crackpots with a poorly-followed twitter account.
you do you, wingnuts.
May 21: can’t you feel the DESANTISMENTUM
oh my god, Ron DeChickenfucker is so goddamn awful at campaigning. he lacks any basic ability to form a connection with actual human beings.
here’s Ron stopping at a diner to rub elbows with potential voters — the kind of bread-and-butter thing that even folks running for dogcatcher instinctively know how to navigate.
“what’s your name?”
“I’m Tim.”
“ok.”
brilliant. just brilliant.
keep fucking that chicken, Ron. it’s what you’re good at.
June 1: Chuck Grassley says the quiet part out loud
to say that 137-year-old Chuck Grassley’s most-lucid days are behind him would an entry in the understatement hall of fame.
on Thursday, the 145-year-old senator made an appearance on Fox News to whine about the terrible deeds of the Biden Crime Family and ended up out wandering in the weeds and saying the quiet part out loud:
“… and we aren’t interested in whether or not the accusations against Vice President Biden are accurate or not …”
tell us something we don’t already know, Chuckers.
June 5: brainless congressman speaks out against mindless dancing
untreated neurological disaster Paul Gosar appeared at a gathering of far-right conspiracy doofuses and accused China of using TikTok to promote — I shit you not — “hedonism and mindless dancing.”
worst gritty reboot of Footloose, ever.
June 13: meet the discount q-anon shaman
Tuesday was arraignment day, and the massive protests that Trump hoped for never materialized. but the whole day wasn’t a total loss, because we got to meet this fine fellow:
what in the actual fuck?
all the clever protesters, the ones who would have taken the time to create a fur cape and a horned helmet and paint their face — those guys are making license plates in prison right now.
all we have left is this bargain basement bozo.
June 22: just two well-adjusted dudes out here having a perfectly normal one
when I was a kid, way back in the 1960s, we had one billionaire: J. Paul Getty. and you almost never heard about J. Paul Getty — he was rarely in the news — because he was content to fuck off and do whatever you do when you’re the world’s only billionaire.
fast forward to today. the world is overrun with fragile man-child billionaires who are constantly in your face, demanding to be paid attention to.
Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg have challenged each other to a cage match. why would they want to do this? I’m guessing it’s because imploding the fuck out of yourself in a deep ocean capsule was already taken.
June 19: the curious case of the disappearing juneteenth
fun true fact: in 2021, Joe Biden signed legislation making Juneteenth a national holiday.
funner and truer fact: a year earlier, in 2020, Ron DeSantis signed a proclamation making Juneteenth a Florida state holiday.
I’d love to show you that proclamation, but I can’t, because DeSantis removed it from his web site, because being a racist asshole is more on-brand for Ron.
June 25: Bongo Danny gets bounced
hey, aren’t you noted conservative douchebag Dan Bongino?
shut the fuck up
what’s happening here, Dan?
shut the fuck up
isn’t this the Cucina restaurant in Palm Beach?
shut the fuck up
pretty fancy restaurant, isn’t it, Dan?
shut the fuck up
it looks like they’re throwing your ass the fuck out onto the sidewalk
shut the fuck up
what’cha do to get tossed, Dan?
shut the fuck up
have a great day, Dan.
shut the fuck up
tomorrow: this year in stupid, part 2 of 3
You had it right. If you pitched ANY of these ideas to a Hollywood producer, you’d get laughed at. The GQP is a clown car, engulfed in flames, tearing across a broken down railway trestle with a trunk full of diesel fuel and fertilizer. What could possibly go wrong?!??
OMG I am rolling on the floor laughing. What a great way to start ending a year full of really crappy awful stuff, which is to be continued, but meanwhile, we have high humor here to lift your spirits and an ex president who the entire world is hearing smells bad, you know, like doodoo bad. And the nice thing about this is like the thing you can't unsee, the bell you can't unring. There's no going back from this and from now on forevermore, there will be articles and stories and even books about Donald Trump including that he smells like shit combined with hair gel and strange face makeups and doodads. He is now that guy who smells stinky and you just know this is going to bug him more than most things because he does know, he can't even mention it because it will live bigger if he does and will enter comedy routines all over the world instantly. He will be laughed at for stinking. hahahahahaha I can't wait.