this week in stupid: September 7 edition
JD flubs it, MAGA clubs it, and so much more...
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.
monday: greetings, earthlings
Monday was Labor Day, and Couchfuck McGee handler’s came up with the genius idea to send him out to a picket line so he could pretend to care about America’s laborers — except they forgot about the part where JD can’t manage the slightest human interaction without fucking that shit up.
oh look — who should JD run into but Democratic Rep. Marcy Kaptur, who puts her hand out for a fist bump. what does JD do? try to shake it, that’s what.
hello, fellow carbon-based life form, allow me to greet you in the accepted Earth manner.
tuesday: that’ll show ’em
here’s a big ball of what the fuck: after ranting about Amazon’s ‘election interference,’ this woman then sledgehammers the shit out of an Alexa Dot.
“I’m not a big Amazon person myself, but I’m going to film a little video for you, telling you how I really feel. stay tuned. take two: Amazon’s Alexa Dot, bye-bye. election interference. I felt so strongly, I had to get a big sledgehammer. let see if I get it. fuck you, Amazon.”
here’s what’s got MAGA’s knickers in a twist: apparently, if you ask Alexa “why should I vote for Kamala Harris,” it gives you reasons. this is a bridge too far for MAGA, even though — free clue — Alexa is a dumb fucking AI that’s programmed to answer questions.
I swear, Donny’s cultists are such fragile children.
but ace work here, MAGA — truly. you’ve smashed a device that you’ve already bought and paid for. that’s really sticking it to Amazon.
by the way, I typed “why should I vote for Kamala Harris” into the the Space Nazi’s AI, Grok. lookit what I got.
don’t nobody tell MAGA, we don’t want them sledgehammering their phones and devices.
or do we?
wednesay: still on emission from god
hey, Julie Green’s back! to catch you up, this self-styled “MAGA Prophet” routinely shoots the shit with God. Julie writes down all the good stuff that God tells her, and then reads it back to her flock.
here’s Julie’s latest, in which God — who for some reason refers to Donny Convict as “my David” — is apparently trying to get a message to Donny, but Team Trump keeps throwing up roadblocks.
“my David, you’re not listening to the right strategists about how to end this war with the establishment. only listen to me. I have sent prophets with my words. some of your most trusted advisors have been keeping them from you. and they’re trying to keep you from hearing more from me. my David, you’re a fighter. you have great strength. this knowledge I have for you, and the words and the strategies that I have for you are far beyond what you have heard. and what I have for you is guaranteed. it will crush your enemies rapidly. you’re missing something, and you know it. this is the missing piece, and it’s me, says Lord. I am what you need. I am what this nation needs. open your heart and let me fully in, so you can win, sayeth the Lord.”
I have a question: are any of these prophets who can’t get in to see Donny named Julie, by any chance?
“excuse me, Mr. Lewandowski, there’s a woman who calls herself Julie the MAGA Prophet on line one.”
“oh god, not that crackpot again. just hang it the fuck up.”
Julie is really overthinking things here. pro tip: if God wanted Donny Convict to be president, he would right now be president. that’s literally how omnipotence works.
thursday: it’s a Couchfuck two-fer
oh look, JD Vance apparently has a podcast or something.
“I care about the things I care about. I think you may very well hear dogs howling right now. which is — I’m actually home today, which is good, but our dogs often howl at ambulances passing by, because they’re idiotic, but whatever.”
wife person, why are the small creatures making mouth-sounds at the whoop whoop going on outside? it is because they are tiny-brained and stupid? please help me understand your earthling customs.
once again, I have questions. isn’t JD Vance a hedge-fund millionaire? why does JD’s home look like the stockroom of a Dollar Store?
what’s with the signs behind JD? did he print them out five minutes ago and scotch-tape them to his ugly-ass bookshelf? how about some production values, bro?
can Couchfuck not do even one thing right? what a weirdo.
friday: new Kamala scandal drops
here comes the Washington Post with the latest dirt on Kamala.
“We were able to witness her leadership firsthand,” the former staffers wrote in a letter, attesting to Harris’s behavior on and off camera. “She is an extraordinary leader of great character.”
wait, isn’t that a good thing?
no, it is most certainly not, insists the WaPo. in fact, it sucks all ass, because check out this fuckery: Kamala expected her White House staff to be good at their jobs.
But in interviews, former staff who signed the letter acknowledged it also addressed one of Harris’s perceived weaknesses as a candidate and elected official: her demanding management style. People who have worked for Harris say her interactions with staff can resemble a prosecutor prying details from a witness, asking pointed questions about everything from her schedule to policy briefings.
the horror. can you believe this monster has the utter temerity to ask pointed questions about the shit people put on her desk? who does she think she is, the Vice President of the United States or something?
so unfair.
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
“Emission from God” shows awfully fine craftsmanship in the wordsmithery department.
JD Vance is always going to be strange. To the end of his days. Soulless, but uniquely incapable of imitating human thought and expression. Like a cult acolyte priest for a cult he has no idea about but for whose ceremonies has learned the moves.
Can’t have a bossy woman running things.