this week in stupid: September 28 edition

God reveals it, Comer deals it, and so much more...

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.

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monday: new Deep State scandal drops

let’s start the week off right and check in with MAGA Prophet Julie Green.

Julie’s deal, you’ll recall, is that she has regular sit-downs with God Almighty, during which she’ll write down all the juicy shit he tells her. here’s the transcript of this week’s ethereal coffee klatch, in which Our Heavenly Father warns of a Deep State plot to influence the election.

“they will set off earthquakes. they will set off volcanoes and insane weather. they will set off political windfalls. they will set a political windfall. they will set off the markets in a catastrophic fall. the oceans are roaring and a tsunami will be reported — not only a natural one, but a political tsunami wave will hit your enemies like never before. Putin will make an announcement that will destroy this establishment’s propaganda, and their plans against him, and the United States. I told you there are foreign leaders against you. but there are foreign nations that have leaders that are supportive allies. the reign of my eagle shall bring down the globalists. Putin’s next moves will shock the world. he has truths that your enemies thought they had killed and buried.”

I have a question: does God not understand how omnipotence works? what the fuck am I supposed to do about a Deep State so powerful that it can set off volcanoes? write them a strongly-worded letter?

can’t the Almighty just wrinkle his nose like Samantha in Bewitched and think the Deep State out of existence? why is it always we humans who have to do all the heavy lifting?

come on, bro. it’s right there in your name: “ALL MIGHTY.” do us a solid and be all proactive for a change.

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tuesday: new Kamala scandal drops

God must have been feeling lonely this week, because it wasn’t just Julie Green he reached out to. apparently he also phoned up evangelist Mario Murillo, just to shoot the shit.

“but this is the first time that I have been able to talk about this word from God that I’d received, and I want to give it to you. the first point is, she is a daughter of lies. she has fabricated an incredible amount of her entire life. she is set for the destruction of this country. and I believe that the first phrase I got was ‘daughter of lies.’ the second phrase that I got was ‘we will not come back from this.’ you see, we’re gonna survive. under Trump, we are going to survive the Bidenomics. we’ll come back from it. I believe we’ll even come back from the deficit. but what Kamala will do will finish us off. we’ll be done.”

must I repeat myself? what part of omnipotence does God need explained to him?

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wednesday: new Kamala scandal drops

God must have slept in on Wednesday, because there are no reports of him speaking to anyone — so we’ll just have to check in on the dude who has daily conversations with the barking noises inside his own head.

I’m talking about Comer Fudd, Chair of the House Oversight Committee. Jimmy Comer is hella incensed that Ukranian President Volodymyr Zelensky appeared on the same stage as Kamala in Pennsylvania — and he’s going to get to the fucking bottom of this dastardly deed if it’s the last thing he does.

so, where is Jimmy getting his evidence that taxpayer funds were used? well, to quote directly from one of the voices inside Comer’s head:

BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK!

oh, look — the very next day, Zylensky appeared with Donny Convict at Trump Tower.

Vlod sure looks super happy to be there, doesn’t he? no word on whether Comer Fudd will be investigating who paid for Zyl’s tickets to New York.

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thursday: new Kamala scandal drops

folks, Fox News found object Jesse Watters has the scoop on Kamala: she’s just a big baby.

“someone whispers something into her ear, fine, do it. no thought at all. Harris is having a bad day, watch out. Kamala Harris is like a child. she hasn’t put a single thought into anything, and says whatever it takes to get a cookie. she doesn’t share. she tattles. and on top of that, she’s mean.”

projection much, Jesse?

yeah, this story checks out. remember all the times Kamala threw ketchup bottles because someone gave her bad news? remember how Kamala demanded that she get twice as much ice cream as everyone else? remember when she tweeted I HATE TAYLOR SWIFT?

oh wait, that’s wasn’t Kamala who did any of that shit.

and by the way, I wasn’t making up that business about the ice cream.

so, to recap our week so far: Kamala is part of a Deep State plot to alter the weather, but she’s also a “daughter of lies,” and she’s Zylensky’s travel agent — and on top of that, she’s a big baby.

this fucking woman, what’s she going to do next?

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friday: new Deep State scandal drops

oh my god, Julie Green was right! the Deep State is manipulating the weather! how else could a massive hurricane form in the Gulf of Mexico?

yeah, that’s it, geniuses. it’s a conspiracy. there’s no other rational explanation for huge hurricanes.

you know, I was watching this guy on the Weather Channel who claimed to be a some kind of quote-unquote “scientist” and he was droning on about rising ocean temperatures and I was all SHUT THE FUCK UP, EGGHEAD, I’m doing my own research here. I get my information from Catturd on the internet.

but it’s the National Weather Service for the win, because they had the best possible response to yet another numbnuts who obviously prefers to do his own research.

after some rando Brainiac demanded to know WHAT’S YOUR SOURCE?, the NWS simply replied “us.”

oh, and by the way —

because who needs a National Weather Service when you’ve got ‘MAGA Prophets’ like Julie Green getting their weather reports directly from God?

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saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.