this week in stupid: September 16 edition

Boebert gets groped, Don Jr. gets doped, and so much more ...

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.

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sunday: Ron Johnson has a whale of a tale

windmills. you see them everywhere, and they’re so cute and picturesque.

but Republicans know the real deal with windmills — they’re a goddamned menace to society.

recall how Donald Trump was first to blow the whistle on these pernicious fuckers, warning us about how they cause deadly noise-cancer.

now we can thank noted marine biologist Ron Johnson for shining a light on the oh-so-innocent windmill’s more insidious aspect: they kill whales.

how does Ron know this? he says he saw it on Fox News.

check and mate, squishy environmentalists.

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monday: meet America’s newest power couple

Lauren Boebert is well-known in the halls of Congress for being the pinnacle of class and breeding. when she’s not politely debating her colleagues on the finer points of constitutional law, she can be found schooling her staff on the proper use of a salad fork.

Lauren and her new beau were in Denver to take in a performance of Beetlejuice The Musical. security footage shows the couple searching for Lauren’s lost contact lens. Lauren is subtly checking to see if it fell between her boyfriend’s legs, while he checks to make sure it didn’t fall into the modest neckline of her tasteful evening gown.

afterwards, they thoughtfully left the performance so that the pregnant woman in the seat behind them could have an unobstructed view of the stage.

ha ha, just kidding! low-rent trash-basket Lauren Boebert and her dipshit date were completely disruptive, singing, vaping and getting way too handsy with each other, for which they were summarily tossed the fuck out of the theater for being a public disgrace.

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tuesday: porntime story hour with John Kennedy

when your colleagues across the hall have already shown Hunter Biden’s penis on live television, what can you possibly do to top that?

Louisiana’s own Senator Not That John Kennedy has an answer: read hard-core pornography on live television.

I’m not sure exactly what point the senator was making — something about WhAt aBoUt ThE cHiLdeReN, but get ready for a wild ride.

Kennedy’s narration starts, “I got a new strap-on harness today. I can’t wait to put it on you. it will fit my favorite dildo perfectly.”

there’s lots more after that, but I’ll leave you to click the video if you want to hear it.

now I hear you asking: Uncle Jeff, why doesn’t someone take John Kennedy’s dramatic recitation and overlay it on top of the Boebert gropefest video?

ask and ye shall receive (thanks to twitterer Kaylan_TX):

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wednesday: hail to the commander in cheat

listen, I know you’re going to be shocked to hear this, but the guy who cheated to get into college and cheated to get out of Vietnam and cheated on his wives and cheated on his taxes and cheated students at his scam university and cheated donors to his fake charity also — I hope you’re sitting down — cheats at golf.

here’s Donny Four Indictments kicking his ball into the cup, which if you’re not familiar with the rules golf, is illegal as fuck.

and the stupid shit probably recorded it as a hole-in-one on his scorecard.

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thursday: a stunning lack of self-awareness

Individual-1 Junior has a complaint.

he wants to know why it is that when Hunter Biden gets nailed on a minor gun charge, it’s his name that trends on not-twitter.

gee, I don’t know, Don, maybe it’s because every time you’re seen in public you’re obviously whacked out of your skull on some combination of god knows what, gibbering like a loon.

as opposed to your nemesis Hunter B., who made the effort to clean himself up.

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friday: just say the n-word out loud, Greg — we know you want to

2023 marks the 50th anniversary of hip-hop, and noted musicologist and Newsmax host Greg Kelly went on the air with a touching tribute to America’s diverse musical heritage.

ha ha, fooled you again! what Greg Kelly really wants you to know is that hip-hip is loud and aggressive music made by scary black people, and oh — Kamala Harris is black, too.

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saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

have a non-stupid weekend, everyone.