this week in stupid: October 26 edition

Lara Trump miscounts it, Donny Jr. dismounts it, and so much more...

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.

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sunday: lineage, how does it work

folks, Donald Trump Junior has a crucial fundraising message about his father-in-law, Donald Trump.

wait, his what?

seriously, bro — lay off the Bolivian Marching Powder, it’s rotting a hole in your cortex. now, I get it — life can get confusing when your plastic inflatable ex-girlfriend is older than your second stepmother, but how fucking hard is it to forget that your dad is your dad?

remember your father, Donny? of course you do. he’s the guy who smacked you to the ground when he came to pick you up to go to a baseball game, and you weren’t wearing a suit.

“Don Jr. opened the door, wearing a Yankee jersey. Without saying a word, his father slapped him across the face, knocking him to the floor in front of all of his classmates,” Melker writes on Facebook. “He simply said ‘put on a suit and meet me outside,’ and closed the door.”

now, I know what you’re going to say: but Uncle Jeff, Donny Jr. didn’t write that fundraising email. some low-level campaign drone was repurposing a Lara Trump email and did a hasty cut-and-paste job.

well, I have two things to say to that:

one: well, that’s just as fucking stupid. don’t these people know how to hire proofreaders? and two: I’m never going to pass up a solid-gold chance to rag on Cokey McSniffles.

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monday: what th—

now, here’s an important message from the Hellenists.

Blacks should support slavery. Christians and Jews are who tore us apart. We used to protect you, feed you, and give you honest work; but they forced us to abandon you, out into the cold, and treat you not as friends, but as enemies. Come home, slaves. We have work to do.

*blinks in astonishment*

okay, look. I could spend way too much time explaining that Hellenism is an ancient Greek religion that — astonishingly enough — is still practiced today, evidently by some very racist weirdos.

I could even waste more space explaining that the people the Greeks enslaved were not exclusively Africans. the Greeks enslaved whoever they happened to conquer, mostly the nation-states that bordered Greece.

I’m not going to do any of that. I’m just going to skip ahead to the community note under that tweet — because it sums up how we’re all feeling right now, in seven very concise words.

best. community. note. ever.

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tuesday: life in these indeterminate number of united states

get ready for a lesson in counting from Lara Trump.

“these poll workers, we’re going to have lawyers in all the major polling locations across the country. we have lawsuits in 81 states right now.”

now, before you climb all over Lara with your smug, liberal ‘how fucking dumb do you have to be to get the number of states wrong’ attitude, consider this:

Lara’s dealing with a lot of shit right now, man. cut her a break. she’s the head of the RNC, and she’s got numbers up the yin-yang: she’s got 4 siblings-in-law from 3 different women. she’s got millions of donor dollars that have to be split up by god knows how many of Donny’s lawyers. she’s got a caravan with 2,000 illegals on their way to the border right now, to vote for Kamala. there are 52 playing cards in a deck. there are 9 planets (don’t you fucking dare argue with me about Pluto) — and who even knows how many moons they all have. there are 30 major league baseball teams, 57 varieties of Heinz, and 31 flavors at Baskin-Robbins.

with all that going on, how the fuck is Lara supposed to keep track of some arcane, complicated thing like how many states there are in America?

leave the poor woman alone, you monsters.

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wednesday: demons to the left of me, demons to the right

the god-bothering zealots have been warning us for months now about the apocalyptic shit-show to come, if Kamala wins the election. spirits! jezebels! demons! human sacrifice! dogs and cats living together! mass hysteria!

good friends, Lance Wallnau — the homey who has God on speed-dial — is back, with a brand-new message of gloom and doom.

“in spite of the January 6th insurrection fiction that was sold to you, Republicans and conservatives aren’t really the rioting crowd. the left is. their NGOs are funded. and if Trump wins, boom! there will be instantaneous manifestations of demons all over the country.”

wait, so we get demons if Kamala wins, and we get demons if Donny wins? then what’s the fucking point of voting? and, while we’re on the subject, how well-funded does an NGO need to be, to get their own demon? are we talking thousands of dollars? millions? can demons be timeshared?

on top of all that, let me point out the obvious: if God wanted Donny Convict to be president, right now he would be president. that’s literally how omnipotence works, duh.

God doesn’t need elections. remember ‘let there be light’? God didn’t take a vote on that. he hand-waved that shit, and boom! — manifested.

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thursday: so many witch hunts, so little time

if you’re a resident of Boones Mill, Virginia, you’re probably aware of Trump Town.

Trump Town is yet another of these stores that exist only to separate the cultists from their money — but honestly, if you’ve a hankering to waste your hard-earned on the stupidest shit imaginable, where else are you gonna go?

The most spectacular specimens are in the back right corner: pairs of silvery, veiny metal testicles hanging from a ring and wrapped in protective clear plastic. “That’s Trump’s balls,” the store’s owner, Whitey Taylor, explains. The smaller set costs $75, the larger, $125. They’re heavy.

there are two things you need to know about this ball-slinging entrepreneur, Whitey Taylor. first, he’s running for Mayor of Boones Mill. second, he seems nice.

Donald “Whitey” Taylor was arrested Tuesday afternoon at the Trump Town USA store on Bethlehem Road, which he owns.

He’s charged with three misdemeanor counts of assault and one count of indecent exposure.

According to court documents obtained by WDBJ7, one woman claimed that on September 26, Taylor called her to the back of the store where he exposed himself and requested oral sex.

Court documents show the second woman claimed that, on October 15, Taylor grabbed her arm and shoved his hands into her pants, while restraining her from escaping.

Taylor’s own balls are evidently as big and veiny as the metal ones he sells, because he had a uniquely Trumpian reaction to his arrest: to shout FAKE NEWS and call it a witch hunt.

Taylor said he believes the timing of these warrants is politically motivated.

“Unfortunately in America you are guilty until you are proven innocent and anybody can go get a warrant for anybody at any time,” he said.

Taylor said he plans to file his own charges against the women, including for embezzlement and is scheduled for arraignment next week.

yeah, because that strategy worked so well when Dear Leader used it agaist E. Jean Carroll.

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friday: ugh, this fucking fuck

speaking of he seems nice, check out this super-fun thing that Ohio GOP Senate candidate Bernie Moreno actually said.

“as a dad of two girls, it’s about having that girl be able to be raped, and having the rapist force her to have an abortion, all without your consent as a minor.”

yes, I know. I watched it, too.

let’s parse this abomination.

what seems to be bothering Bernie in his I-sure-as-fuck-hope-it’s-hypothetical scenario is not that this teenager is ‘able to be’ raped, but that she might not be forced to carry her rapist’s baby to term.

and what the fuck does “able to be raped” mean? Moreno makes it sound like this girl won a prize.

what the fuck is wrong with Republican men?

full disclosure: this isn’t a current video. it’s about a year old. I’m highlighting it today because it’s maddening that this vile troglodyte is running neck-and-neck with Democrat Sherrod Brown.

ugh.

Ohio, please defeat this ass-clown and send Sherrod back to Washington.

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saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

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