this week in stupid: October 19 edition
Donny wets it, DeSantis sweats it, and so much more...
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.
monday: fake human fakes a trash pile
lizard-creature-from-outer-space Ron DeSantis strapped on his ill-fitting human skin suit for an outdoor press conference — probably so he could blame two hurricanes in one week on all the woke.
there was just one teensy little problem: Treasure Island, the site chosen for the presser, just didn’t appear to be all that storm-damaged.
what the chrome-plated fuck? cried Ron, I can’t stand in front of some clean-ass street. get me some trash. you two dipshits in the hardhats — FIND ME SOME FUCKING TRASH.
oh wait, actually there was a second problem: someone switched on the camera for the livefeed too early, showing workers creating a bogus trash pile in the middle of a fairly normal-looking street.
we have no idea who would blow the whistle on Lizard Ron’s fakery, but we’re betting it was some communist drag performer who did it because of all the woke.
tuesday: Democrats, the root of all evil
Donny Convict held a hate-rally at the Calhoun Ranch in Coachella Valley, which is right smack in the middle of the desert in southern California.
the cultists had to park five miles from the ranch, and from there they were bussed to the rally site.
now here’s the part where the story gets super fun — because when the rally was over, the cultists were all where the fuck are the buses to take us back? are we supposed to walk back to our cars, five miles in the desert heat?
spoiler alert: the answer was yes. Donny had left them stranded. he doesn’t give a fuck about his cultists. he pulls this shit this all the time.
Hundreds of Trump supporters were left stranded in the freezing cold at an Omaha, Nebraska rally Tuesday night, with some even hospitalized for hypothermia.
but try explaining Dear Leader doesn’t give a fuck about you to the cultists. no, the motley crew of brain surgeons and rocket scientist who were standed at Coachella immediately figured out who the real culprit was: the mayor of Coachella — a Democrat. yeah, it’s him. he did it, because … because … well, because reasons, that’s why. because he’s nefarious — and criminal.
I swear, Donny’s got the cultists so goddamned hornswaggled that if he brought out a firehose and sprayed diarrhea all over his worshipers, half of them would be all “mmm, yummy!” and the other half would be all “fuckin’ Democrats, why did they do this?”
wedneaday: have a little perspective, ladies
hey, everybody! it’s America’s tipsiest judge, Jeanine Pirro — and right now her righteous anger is as elevated as her blood-alcohol level.
“the most important issue for women is the economy, followed by abortion, followed by immigration. when you put the economy and immigration together, it beats abortion by 32 points. so what you’ve got here are women — sure, they’re concerned about abortion — but if they were educated a little more than just this crazy dictate that comes from the Democrat women, they would understand that a lot of this isn’t as protected as it is.”
got that? maybe if you dumb broads were as educated as Judge Boxwine here (Albany Law School, class of 1975), you might get it through your thick skulls that the very real prospect of bleeding out in an emergency room pales in comparison to MIGRANTS EATING THE DAWGS.
thursday: shootin’ the shit with the good lord above, as one does
another week, another MAGA prophet. evidently God’s got all the time in the world to chew the fat with any number of these religious whack jobs. here’s Kat Kerr, who apparently not only has God’s cell number, but Donny Convict’s, as well.
“I know that Trump has heard me tell him. I have told him basically what was going to happen, basically what was going to happen the day he was shot when he texted me from the platform twenty minutes before that time, and God told him that whatever happens today don’t be worried about it, I’ve got your back.”
once again, I have questions.
one: so, we’re supposed to believe that Donny texted this rando from the stage at his Butler rally? how often does he do that?
two: so, did Kat tell Donny he would be okay, or did God tell Donny? because Kat can’t keep her story straight. it changes from one sentence to the next. or — wait, are Donny, Kat and God all on the same text chain?
third, and this is the most important question of all: if God has Donny’s back, and is watching out for him twenty-four-seven, why the fuck does Donny need a Secret Service detail?
Donny’s been gouging the Secret Serice for years, charging them triple and quadruple the going rate for rooms at his vermin-infested golf motels.
think of the money America could save if God would enlist some angels to take over from the Secret Service. and He probably wouldn’t even care how much Donny charged them for rooms. God’s got more money than … well, God.
come on, my omnipotent dude, do us a solid.
friday: sit on this
just in case anyone had forgotten just how much of an ignorant imbecile Donny Convict is, he stopped by Fox & Friends to refresh everyone’s memories.
“Lincoln was probably a great president, although I’ve always said, why wasn’t that settled, y’know? it doesn’t make sense, we had a Civil War.”
Donny’s been peddling this self-aggrandizing horse shit for years. why didn’t Lincoln just negotiate? to hear Donny tell it, if he had been the Old Railsplitter, he’d have phoned up Jefferson Davis and cut a deal.
yo Jeff? Donny here. listen up, ya crazy lug, why don’t we compromise and meet halfway? just give up half your enslaved. you can keep the all others. you’re in? beautiful. I’m sending you an autographed copy of the Art of the Deal. you’re welcome. love ya, babe. we’ll do lunch."
Fox News doesn’t give a shit that Donny vomits out these crazypants fever-dreams. they don’t care if Donny lies to their viewers.
there’s only one thing Fox doesn’t want Donny to do: pee all over their nice white couch.
seriously. let’s zoom in on that clip.
holy forking shirtballs, they’ve got old Leaky McDiaper sitting on an incontinence pad.
some Fox News line producer must really hate Donny. those things do come in white, you know. or does Donny bring his own?
UPDATE: I’ve been shown a more complete video that shows Donny folding up his overcoat and sitting on it. so it’s not an incontinence pad. but you’ll never convince me that Donny didn’t sit on his own coat and use that as a home-made incontinence pad.
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
do you have a nomination for This Week in Stupid? email me at jefftiedrich@gmail.com. thanks!
hey everyone — I've had to update my Friday entry. it now ends with this clarification.
"UPDATE: I’ve been shown a more complete video that shows Donny folding up his overcoat and sitting on it. so it’s not an incontinence pad. but you’ll never convince me that Donny didn’t sit on his own coat and use *that* as a home-made incontinence pad."
fun true fact: decades ago, when she was Westchester County's District Attorney, tipsy Jeanine was part of my extended social circle. all I'm saying is that I may or may not have gotten drunk with her at least once