this week in stupid: October 12 edition

Nosferatu sprays it, Three Toes brays it, and so much more...

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.

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monday: got e-coli?

oh, look — the roast-your-ballsack-and-guzzle-horse-paste gang is on a brand-new health kick: raw milk.

fuck that pasteurized shit, they’re telling us. moo-juice fresh from Bossie’s udders is so much healthier than the store-bought kind, because— actually, I have no idea what the imagined benefits are, and I don’t care.

drinking raw milk is basically playing a game of Bacteria Roulette. Campylobacter, Cryptosporidium, E. coli, Listeria, Brucella, and Salmonella are just some of the fun organisms floating around in a glass of the stuff.

come on, people. Louis Pasteur figured this shit out over a hundred years ago — but try explaining basic science to the ass-clowns who use ‘you sound vaccinated’ as an insult.

so now Marjorie Three Toes Greene and her ilk figure they’re going to own the libs by sluicing back a glass of hot, fresh disease.

go for it, Marge — drink down a tall one for me. I’m so fucking owned.

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tuesday: what he does in the shadows

uh-oh, Jesse Watters and Nosferatu McGoebbels are drunk on raw milk again.

Jesse Watters: “we just have to address the elephant in the room. we’re getting a lot of texts from women about Miller and his appearances — and his appearance. our audience at Primetime believes you’re some kind of sexual matador. what do you have to say for yourself?”

Stephen Miller: “let me give some advice to any man that’s out there … if you’re a young man — it’s very important on election season — who’s looking to impress ladies, to be the alpha, to be attractive, the best thing you can do is to wear your Trump support on your sleeve.”

Jesse, are these women who are super hot for Stephen Miller in the room with us right now?

Nosferatu has forgotten to mention his most important dating tip of all: when meeting a potential fetus incubator for the first time, spray paint your head.

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wednesday: maybe not so mysterious after all

on Tuesday, the Sheriff of St. Lucie County, Florida, appointed himself a brand new deputy: Donny Convict’s number two failson, Eric. I guess that a lifetime of gobbling library paste is all the qualification you need to do some serious sheriffing down in America’s dangly bit.

well, God took one look at that fuckery and was all this aggression will not stand, man.

and so on Wednesday — the very next day — He sent a whole fucking series of tornadoes down to St. Lucie for some good ol’ Biblical wrathing. the sheriff’s office got the shit flattened out of it.

they say God works in mysterious ways — but sometimes, not so much.

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thursday: Hurricane Milton meets a blizzard of stupid

I can’t even with these fucking idiots. I keep asking myself, how do these numbskulls get the fork to their mouth without stabbing themselves in the eye?

the stupid, it burns.

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friday: god’s divine wrath, coming to a youtube channel near you

self-styled “MAGA prophet” Amanda Grace has a dire warning for the enemies of Little Donny Convict.

“and I will tell you this: over the next twenty-four hours is Yom Kippur, and the Lord does bring verdicts down in His court, and I am telling you this because I feel it, and Clay knows I don’t say anything unless I know it’s coming from the Lord. your enemies that have done this, those verdicts are coming down on Yom Kippur, in the next 24 hours, against them. God is bringing those verdicts down. I am telling you this, this is happening over the next 24 hours … these verdicts are coming down on scrolls, and the Lord is going to send them into the United States of America.”

there really is no end to these MAGA prophets who somehow manage to have both a youtube channel and their own personal hotline to God. how does the Lord even have time to hold all these coffee klatches with fringe weirdos like Amanda Grace and Julie Green and Mario Murillo and Robert Henderson and on and on and on? isn’t He busy, y’know, running the universe?

I wonder, do Julie Green and Amanda Grace ever inadvertently ring up God at the same time? oh shit, Julie, Amanda’s on the other line. can I in My infinite wisdom get back to you? okay thanks, you’re a peach.

anyway, I’m not so sure that God is playing for MAGA’s team these days. yo Amanda, have you taken a look at the St. Lucie County Sheriff’s Office lately?

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saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

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do you have a nomination for This Week in Stupid? email me at jefftiedrich@gmail.com. thanks!

folks, a word on a different subject before I let you go: we’re doing some quarterly fundraising at my other venture, The Smirking Chimp. I’m leery of even mentioning it because if you’re one of the people paying to support my own writing here, you’re already doing god’s work and you’re already doing more than enough to help out. but if you’ve got five dollars that you absolutely wouldn’t miss and you do feel like supporting the Chimp, well, that just makes you twice the hero. the donation link is here, or you can go straight to paypal if you need no further convincing. and if you don’t care to donate, that’s totally cool, too, and we will not speak of this again. in fact, we never had this conversation. thanks for listening and that’s it from me for now.