this week in stupid: October 11 edition

Charlie rides it, Donny hides it, and so much more...

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

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monday: would you know my name, if I saw you on a horse in heaven

if you’ve ever wondered ‘what’s the scoop on the afterlife,’ get to know evangelist Kim Robinson. she runs a website called ‘Heaven is Real and Fun.’ Kim’s whole deal is that she has regular sit-downs with the Almighty, and he gives her the straight poop on what goes on inside those pearly gates. for instance, did you know that cats in heaven do not have sharp claws, or shed hair? come on, that’s fucking awesome.

don’t you wish you could talk to God? forget it, talking to God is for closers.

so anyway, the Big Guy in the Sky apparently runs some kind of ethereal streaming service or whatnot, and he’s been showing Kim his heavenly home movies, starring Charlie Kirk.

“this morning, when I was praying and going over my notes, and you know, reading this, [begins to cry] the lord showed me that [sniffles] he showed me Charlie in heaven, and like I said, I don’t know anything about Charlie, but I saw Charlie this morning, riding on a horse, with Jesus, and Jesus has given him like a horse ranch. he has a ranch. and he has all these animals, and I just feel like Charlie loved horses. and right now, this morning, he was on these horses, and he’s riding in his horse ranch, with Jesus. and I’m just like, isn’t that amazing.”

oh come on, really? Saint Chuck and the Lamb of God, bronco-busting besties in heaven? that sounds just a wee bit outlandish, doesn’t it?

because I’m a responsible journalist and everything, I needed to fact-check this claim. so I did a google image search on “Charlie Kirk in heaven,” and it turns out that indeed, the misshapen garden gnome and the prince of peace have become great buds up there in the hereafter.

awww, just look at these two friends-for-afterlife snugglebunnies.

the Great Google Machine wouldn’t lie, would it? of course not. but when I did a google image search of “Charlie Kirk on a horse in heaven,” I got bupkis. zip. nada.

so now I’m beginning to suspect that Kim actually might be full of shit.

look, I’m no expert in the afterlife, but I’d like to believe that wherever Charlie Kirk is now, he’s flipping a skateboard into his own nuts, Pete Kegstand-style.

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tuesday: what kind of Cao?

you remember Hung Cao. he’s the Republican who, in 2024, unsuccessfully ran for Senator from Virginia.

there are four things you need to about Cao. the first is that overgrown toddler Donny Convict thinks the name ‘Hung Cao’ is super fucking hilarious.

the second thing is that Cao is a little, um, off. he ran for Senate because, quite frankly, somebody needed to do something about all these witches.

“there’s a place in Monterey, California called Lovers Point. the original name was Lovers of Christ Point. but now they took out the Christ, it’s become Lovers Point — really, Monterey is a really dark place now, a lot of witchcraft and the wiccan community has really taken over there, and we can’t let that happen in Virginia.”

here’s the third thing about Wytchfinder Cao: he hates the shit out of drag queens. here’s Cao covering himself with glory during a campaign debate last year.

“when you’re using a drag queen to recruit for the Navy, that’s not the people we want. what we need is alpha males and alpha females who are going to rip out their own guts, eat them and ask for seconds.”

‘rip out their own guts and eat them’ — doesn’t that sound like the kind of over-the-top hyper-macho clownfuckery that would come out of Pete Kegstand’s mouth?

well, that leads us quite naturally to the the fourth thing you need to know: the juvenile Dipshit-in-Chief who thinks ‘Hung Cao’ is a hilarious name just appointed this unhinged freak to be his Undersecretary of the Navy.

“Thank you President Trump for appointing me as Under Secretary of the Navy and Secretary of War Hegseth for swearing me in and putting me to work. Ready to lead our Sailors and Marines.”

oh, wonderful. for once in his entire stupid life, Donny didn’t hire a flunkie because he looked good on Fox News. no, he this time picked the dude whose name makes him think of a big-dick bovine.

worst. timeline. ever.

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wednesday: ugh. just ugh.

here in the good old US of A, we’ve got every kind of racism. there’s casual racism, there’s systemic racism, there’s overt racism — and then there’s whatever the fuck this is.

far-right Christian nationalist pastor Brian Sauvé: “let’s stay that somebody was coming in to our church and they were black. would they be eligible for membership in our church? yes. of course they would. but would they be permitted to participate in, embody, and practice what I would call ‘black culture’ generally in our church? the answer is absolutely not. why? because the things, the characteristics that mark black culture, they are evil, murderous, violent, bestial people. they steal, they kill, they destroy, they look like Satan.”

holy shit. yeah, I’m sure black people are lining up around the block to join this asshole’s bigoted church.

I can’t even, so let’s just go straight to the palate cleanser.

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thursday: the sounds of silence

now let’s enjoy six-hundred-and-forty-nine-year-old Chuck Grassley forgetting how electricity works.

[ten seconds of silence, as Grassley’s mouth moves, after which Lindsey Graham reaches over and turn on his mic] “I forgot to turn on my microphone. let me start again.”

I know, that’s pretty fucking funny — but let’s cut Chuckie Gee a break. as you know, he was first elected to the Senate in 1782 — and the US Capitol building wasn’t electrified until 1910. you know what they say about old dogs learning new tricks.

I gotta tell you, though: those ten seconds, when Chuckles was flapping his ancient gums and no sounds was coming out — those were the most peaceful ten seconds of my entire life.

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friday: the further adventures of some fucking idiot

some fucking idiot woke up Friday morning and found out the hard way that the Nobel Committee doesn’t dole out prizes to authoritarian shitnozzles.

so the fucking idiot wouldn’t talk to the press while he dejectedly waddled to the helicopter that would take him to Walter Reed Hospital for his medical exam.

after his check-up, the fucking idiot’s press office farted out some ludicrous fairy tale about how he’s in excellent health — and naturally, the media dutifully reported it as if it were true. oh, and also that the emperor has beautiful new clothes.

next, the fucking idiot shat out some completely insane 504-word post in which he threatened a ‘massive increase’ in tariffs on goods from China.

which caused the stock market to crater.

the fucking idiot then showed up 40 minutes late for his own press conference, and blithered incoherently.

the fucking idiot — who we’re assured is in ‘perfect health’ — fell asleep while standing up.

the fucking idiot announced he would be giving ethereal horseman Charlie Kirk the useless hunk of tin that used to be known as the Medal of Freedom.

the fucking idiot once again demonstrated that he neither knows nor cares how numbers work.

and you knew the fucking idiot couldn’t get through the presser without whining about not getting the Peace Prize. he claimed he deserved it for making eight ‘transactions of wars,’ whatever the fuck that is.

and not one reporter stood up and asked ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’

how fucking idiotic is that?

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saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

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do you have a nomination for This Week in Stupid? email me at jefftiedrich@gmail.com. thanks!

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here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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