this week in stupid: November 25 edition
Donny invites it, Rudy ignites it, and so much more ...
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.
sunday: pee freak says what
Little Donny Fuckface gets accused of a lot of weird shit. it’s said that he craps into an adult diaper. that he wears a girdle, and has lifts in his shoes. that he wears a desiccated beaver pelt stapled to the top of his big dumb pumpkin head.
if any of this bothers him, he doesn’t let it show — but there’s one thing that gets right under Trump’s skin and stays there: the pee tape.
the silly dipshit is obssessed with it. he hassled Comey about it. and he never shuts the fuck up about it. he brings it up in every speech. here’s Trump, last Sunday in Iowa, insisting to an audience of bewildered potato farmers that he never ever paid Russian prostitues to pee on each other.
“‘he was with four hookers,’ do you think it was good that night to go up and tell my wife, ‘it’s not true, darling, I love you very much. it’s not true.’ actually that one she didn’t believe, she said ‘he’s a germaphobe, he’s not into that, you know? he’s not into golden showers,’ as they say, they call that. I don’t like that idea. I thought that was going to be a big problem, but that one she was very good on. she said, ‘no.’”
but the one thing you have to remember about Trump is that every denial is a confession.
methinks the moron doth protest waaaaaay too much.
monday: conspiracy loon says what
folks, Maria Bartiromo has done her own research, and she’s finally gotten to the bottom of this covid business.
“is there a chance that China released this virus on America intentionally? disrupt the country, get Donald Trump out.”
we’re loving this theory, Maria, because it makes perfect sense to us: China deliberately killed millions of people around the world, including in its own country, because Donald Trump.
and there was nothing Trump could do, explains the nitwit sharing the screeen with Maria.
“President Xi was telling Donald Trump ‘everything’s ok,’ and Donald Trump was repeating what President Xi said.”
because “credulous dope who believes every fucking thing our adversaries tell him” is exactly the quality you want in a world leader.
tuesday: racist says what
“they have concluded that Vice President Harris is not capable. when her IQ gets to 75, she should sell.”
fun fact: everything that comes out of Louisiana Senator Not That John Kennedy’s mushmouth makes more sense if you put “I’m not racist, but…” in front of it.
let’s try it with the above quote.
“I’m not racist, but they have concluded that Vice President Harris is not capable. when her IQ gets to 75, she should sell.”
ohhhhhhh, now we understand what you mean, Senator.
wednesday: shitbags say what
on Thanksgiving Eve, there was a tragedy at our nothern border: a car, traveling at high speed from the US into Canada, crashed and exploded in the middle of the Rainbow Bridge.
the entire wingnut outrage-industrial complex rose up and screamed in unison: IT’S A TERRORIST ATTACK ON AMERICA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RUN AND HIDE!!!!!!
never mind that there were no facts available, or that the car was traveling into Canada.
Fox News was the first to screech about it:
“source?” what was the source? one of the shrieking voices in Sean Hannity’s head?
here’s just one example of the hysteria: esteemed Texas Senator Fidel Cancun ramped up the fear-mongering in a tweet that, three days later, he still hasn't deleted:
every Republican came crawling out of the woodwork to blame Joe Biden for enabling a completely imaginary event.
the screech monkeys were practically pissing their pants with joy that a border incident appeared to have happened on Sleepy Brandon’s watch.
what kind of shithole American openly roots for a terrorist attack?
thursday: inebriated trainwreck says what
hey Rudy, whatcha doing?
“my podcast, why?”
cool fireplace, bro.
“you were fooled, right? actually it’s not a real fireplace. it’s just a backdrop I put up on my TV.”
no shit, sherlock. a chimpanzee could have figured that out in two seconds. it looks phony as fuck. and guess what, drunkie: your stupid head looks like it’s on fire.
“wait, how did you get in here? Noelle, call security.”
Noelle Dunphy doesn’t work for you any more, you addlepated tosspot. remember? she quit and then sued you for sexual assault.
“so many lawsuits, how am I supposed to remember which one is which? [passes out, drunk]”
friday: asshole says what
nothing good ever comes from a paragraph that begins “Brian Kilmeade was on Charlie Kirk’s show,” and this one is no exception.
Brian was on Charlie’ show to shill for his new book, and also to tell everyone to shut the fuck up and stop whining about slavery.
“without slave owners we don’t have a county.”
to which we say:
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
have a non-stupid weekend, everyone.
In my personal canon, the pee tapes are real, but I don't want proof. Proof denies faith, you see. I believe they are real, but I don't care whether or not it's ever proven because it's a comedy gold mine - or urine river - as is.
Because a Black woman in America can graduate from college and law school, pass the bar, get elected San Francisco DA, get elected California AG, get elected Senator, and get chosen as VP and win the election with an IQ of less than 75.
Riiiiiiggghhht.